(Clearwisdom.net) Before I practiced Falun Dafa, I held strong opinions and regarded myself too highly. I excelled in school and met all my deadlines. I was conceited and arrogant and never listened to others. In addition, I became enraged if anyone couldn't accept my opinion.
I began to practice Falun Dafa in the spring of 1995. Dafa showed me that I had to change into the opposite of what I was then. However, it was much more difficult than anticipated and I just couldn't make the grade because of holding on too tightly to many attachments. I was still arrogant, couldn't look within to find my tightly held notions, and still couldn't accept suggestions and criticism. I felt so ashamed when I saw other practitioners looking within and overcoming attachments.
Teacher always stresses that we need to look within, “looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”) As I continued to cultivate, I went from thinking I did not have a problem to being able to acknowledge my shortcomings and from not being able to look within to looking within.
1. Looking within When Facing Conflicts with My Parents
I never had a good relationship with my parents. I felt that they tried to oppose me and set traps for me that would result in my having to face difficulties. I kept missing the opportunity to improve my character problems and held deep regrets, reminding myself to do better next time. However, when I faced a conflict, I was still held in the thrall of emotions and couldn't look within. To avoid this, I tried to avoid my parents, but this didn't work as I expected. Even if I was alone, disagreements with my parents from the past kept running through my mind and annoying me.
One day I was hit with the thought that Teacher was trying to improve my xinxing. I realized that because I was a practitioner I was being tested until I passed the test! How could I give up my attachments by remaining aloof from the rest of the world? This was an attachment of pursuing comfort. By avoiding my parents, I couldn't let go of my anger and ego. It was I who had to make the effort and overcome what was holding me back.
As far as I could remember, I had never told my parents “I was wrong and I am sorry. Please don't be angry.” I couldn't forgive them for what they said in anger. If I weren't a practitioner, I would have broken off any relationship with them. I only wanted comfort and not once thought of respecting my parents. I just was of bad character and even worse than an ordinary person.
After I became a practitioner, I followed the principles of Falun Dafa. My angry thoughts changed to good thoughts when I thought of my parents and I tried to let go of emotions. I tried to be compassionate and kind towards them. They saw the dramatic change in me after I became a practitioner and saw the beauty of Falun Dafa. After all, my parents raised me and cared for me deeply. I finally realized all that my parents had sacrificed for all their children.
I introduced Falun Dafa to them. At first, they did not believe what I said. Later, they turned positive towards Falun Dafa and believed that Falun Dafa is good. However they did not read the Falun Dafa books, fearing that they would be persecuted. Then, after some time, they listened to Teacher's lectures and quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its affiliates. All this happened because of Teacher's immense compassion and selfless wish to save sentient beings.
I thanked Teacher for saving me, for letting me see the attachments in myself, for purifying me with the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and letting me assimilate into the Fa. Besides, I was grateful for the chance to enter the future universe and become an enlightened being. Every time I thought of all Teacher gave me my face was covered with tears and no words could express my gratitude.
2. Looking within When Facing Conflicts with My Sisters
1) Treating Elder Sister with Kindness
My sisters and I fought whenever we met. I was mean to my older sister because I looked down on her and thought she was dumb. After I started to practice, my attitude changed. I introduced Falun Dafa to her and surprisingly she was very willing to read the Dafa books. She learned the five exercises from the book The Great Consummation Way of Falun Dafa, and studied the Fa daily. It's been over ten years since she became a practitioner. When I was throwing a tantrum, she just listened quietly without talking back.
A while ago I saw her using sleeping pills. I got upset and said “Stop cultivating and give me the books. Did you read the books? Do you not want to cultivate?” She immediately answered, “I do. I read the books daily and do the exercise when I have time.” I immediately regretted what I'd said because I did not act like a practitioner and was not kind to my family. My older sister missed out on a good education, but she could read. In some ways she was a better cultivator than I.
I learned to be kind to my elder sister and told her about sending righteous thoughts and clarifying the facts about Falun Gong, and when Teacher publishes a new article, I make sure she gets a copy. We are getting along well now, thanks to Teacher's compassionate care.
2) Eliminate Emotion
My younger sister and her daughter, a high school student who lives in a dorm, have practiced Falun Gong for more than 10 years. I frequently treated conflicts with them with human notions and did not look within.
I adored my niece. However, when she didn't listen to me, I lost my temper, did not care about how she felt and said many hurtful things. At times, I even berated her in front of my sister.
I gradually realized that my attitude was wrong. I was not kind, spoke ill of them and did not look within. I told my sister, “We should ask your daughter to study the Fa more so she can assimilate to the Fa. I was wrong and did not act like a practitioner.”
I interfered and when they didn't agree, I felt I was wronged and that they did not understand me. In fact, I held onto many human principles, including the attachment to family, seeking reward, arguing, being suspicious, being inconsiderate, saving face, vanity, fighting, and jealousy.
I needed to change and apologized to my sister and niece. Then, I said, “If it wasn't for Falun Dafa, I would have been hopeless. Dafa changed me and now I am able to acknowledge my faults.”
Teacher saved me and now I behave like a true human being. We all found our attachments and changed with Teacher's help.
Teacher said:
“As a human being, you are a good person only if you can follow this universe’s characteristic of Zhen-Shan-Ren. A person who deviates from this characteristic is truly a bad person. In the workplace or in society, some people may say that you are bad, yet you may not necessarily be bad. Some people may say that you are good, but you may not really be good. As a practitioner, if you assimilate yourself to this characteristic you are one that has attained the Tao—it’s just such a simple principle.” (Zhuan Falun)
I will carefully remember Teacher's words every minute of my life and try to progress diligently on my cultivation path.
3. Looking within When Interacting with My Husband
I also had xinxing tests when interacting with my husband. He has good moral standards, is a very responsible person, kind to the elderly and a hard worker. He is not a practitioner, but doesn't oppose my cultivating Dafa. He said, “I won't interfere with you, but don't try to force me to practice Falun Dafa.”
I accepted his stance, but worried because he wasn't interested in practicing Falun Dafa. I took every opportunity to talk to him about Falun Dafa. Then, I forced him to listen to me and would raise my voice when he ignored me. He said, “The book didn't say that you can force people to practice it! Didn't we agree that we don't interfere with each other?” He was correct, and I stopped pushing him.
In fact, he had read Zhuan Falun once in 2004. He also listened to Teacher's Fa Lecture in Guangzhou once. He said, “The book is very good. But you guys are not following its principles.” He was referring to practitioners who had been arrested.
This was a wake-up call and I earnestly did the three things, as required by Teacher, including studying the Fa diligently and improving my xinxing. I harmonized relations with my family and closed the loopholes that allowed the old forces to persecute me.
I clearly understand that it is inevitable to stumble on one's cultivation path. The key is whether one looks within when faced with problems. I admit that it is very difficult for me to look within.
At times I truly felt that the stubborn attachment to not admit fault was not my true self, but I just couldn't let go of it. I argued with my husband because I still had a temper and was very opinionated. During times when I behaved badly he said, “Are you a practitioner? Are you practicing Forbearance? You pretend that you are better than anyone but then what you do is worse than others do.” Or he said, “Others can cultivate to become Buddha but you can't!”
At those times, I realized that I didn't meet Dafa's requirements. Actually, Teacher used my husband to remind me of my shortcomings. The problem was that I only listened and then forgot about it.
Over and over again I fell back into my human ways of fighting. At those times, my husband said, "Now you are doing it again! Can't you say it nicely? With this bad temper, how can you resolve the issue? Your temper flares up any time you don't like to hear what is being said." I would calm down and not fight back. I knew that I did poorly and felt embarrassed. For a long time, I didn't dare mention cultivation to him, worrying that he would point out my problems.
I studied the Fa diligently and watched Teacher's Fa lecture video. Then I tried to look within. I first asked myself, “Why can't I look within? Why is it so hard to admit my fault? Only when I admit my mistake can I get rid of it. If I don't admit, I am covering it up. Who will be happy to see that? Isn't that like the old forces?”
Teacher said:
“If you can manage to handle things calmly no matter how wronged you may feel, if you can remain unmoved and not try to come up with some kind of excuse for yourself, then with many things you won’t even need to argue. That’s because on your path of cultivation there is nothing that is by chance. So, when you get into a heated exchange and it stirs things up in you, or you get into a conflict over something that concerns your vital interests, perhaps the factors behind it were put there by Master. Maybe you only get upset when it’s a case of someone saying something that really provokes you or hits a sore spot. And maybe the person really did treat you wrongfully. But, those words weren’t necessarily said by that person. Perhaps they were said by me ... I want to see how you handle things at the time. When you butt heads with that person, it actually equates to butting heads with me ... That’s all for today. I can completely remove the material substance for you, but the habits that were formed are something you definitely have to remove—definitely, absolutely.” ("Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan")
I felt embarrassed because of my temper. Still, Teacher used his enormous mercy to point out my shortcomings. Teacher is so compassionate, but how come I cannot cultivate well? Will I be worth the vow that I signed with Teacher before? Will I measure up to the expectations of the sentient beings that set their hopes in me? Cultivation is sacred and serious.
4. Improving in the Work Environment
Because I had a high self-esteem, I hated people who were promoted through networking and behind the scenes game playing. I didn't show any respect for them. I only told the facts about Falun Dafa to the people I liked and ignored the others. I believed that those people were hopeless and should just wait to be eliminated.
A few days ago, a deputy manager came to our office to talk about work. Then he changed the subject and said that it wasn't wrong for Mao Zedong to begin the Cultural Revolution, but rather, it was needed at that time. I got angry and said, “It is only you who says that Cultural Revolution was not wrong. Mao said that Cultural Revolution should be held every 7 or 8 years. But, he died in the middle of the first one. The CCP also admitted that the Cultural Revolution was a 10-year disaster.”
No one spoke up. But, the deputy manager argued eloquently. He knew that I had been imprisoned ten years earlier for practicing Falun Gong, so he intentionally praised the CCP.
In the past, my attachment to competition would have made me counter him immediately. I might also have wished that he received retribution in my heart. But that day I was very calm. I recalled Teacher's words in “Don't Argue” (Hong Yin Volume III). I reminded myself that as a Dafa disciple, I should not be moved by ordinary people's words. I felt pity for him because he was so lost due to the CCP brainwashing.
Actually I had introduced Falun Gong to him before 1999. Not only didn't he listen, but also said that Falun Dafa was superstitious and refused to believe that goodness begets goodness and that evil will be punished. In the beginning of the persecution, he felt that he was right to support the CCP's position. After he was promoted to his current position, he paid more attention to the benefits that he could receive by agreeing with the CCP's way of thinking. I thought that I should send forth righteous thoughts and eliminate all that is evil in his environment.
I looked within after returning home. I realized that I still had a strong attachment to competition. It was because my field was not pure that it attracted his evil talk. Also I found that I forced others to accept my viewpoints. For example, I had read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party many times, and thus had a good understanding of the CCP's evil nature. I understood that those that remained beholden to the CCP would lose their lives once the CCP is eliminated.
Teacher came down to the lowest level of the universe, the human world. Facing the old forces and people with poor moral standards, Teacher still benevolently and patiently taught the universe's law in order to save sentient beings at all levels. On the other hand, my behavior was far from what Teacher expects of practitioners. I wanted to eliminate the bad people, those that didn't accept the facts about Falun Dafa. I know now that I can't hold this type of attitude.
In studying the Fa diligently my righteous thoughts are gradually improving and my heart of benevolence is growing too. I no longer hold hatred in my heart when I see the deputy manager. I now feel sorry for him and will look for an opportunity to clarify the truth to him. I believe that he will be saved, because each being is waiting to be saved by Dafa.
I am fortunate to become a Dafa disciple of the Fa-rectification period. I am only just saving people on the surface, the real savior is Teacher, is Falun Dafa.
I can't express in mere words my gratitude to Teacher. Only when we meet Teacher's requirements, will we have a bright future. Only when we remember to look within will we overcome all tribulations.
