(Minghui.org) After I read the article “Don't Look at the Problem with a Human Heart” published in Issue 559 of Minghui Weekly, I felt that I would like to share my experience on this topic.
My husband passed away due to sickness karma. Looking back at the days that my husband and I experienced on our cultivation paths, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I felt so regretful.
My husband and I were both veteran practitioners who started to practice Falun Gong before the persecution started. During this early period of personal cultivation, he understood the Fa at only a shallow level, but he did break through many difficulties and tribulations, and let go of many human attachments.
In the Fa-rectification period, like other practitioners, he stepped out to expose the evil's persecution, clarify the truth and validate the Fa. In his job, he had to visit thousands of families. He clarified the truth to everyone he came into contact with. When he was reported to the police or when the 610 Office and the leaders from his work organization pressured him, he managed to come through it and didn't give in. He required of himself to do everything according to the Fa principles of Truth-Compassion-Forbearance. He worked hard and accepted no bribes. His clients and supervisors praised him highly. He was awarded “Model Worker” in his organization and at the provincial level several times.
Everyday people believed that my husband was a firm believer in Dafa. Many practitioners also thought that he was a genuine cultivator. Though he had a tiring job in which he had to walk five to six hours every day, he didn't stop practicing the exercises or studying the Fa for a single day. Cultivation, however, is a serious matter. In the Fa-rectification period, the Fa sets a higher standard for us, not like when we first started, where we only restricted ourselves superficially.
My husband was an impetuous person, though he had changed a lot after practicing Falun Gong. In the years before he died, he fell into a trap of thinking that he was quite diligent because he did the three things quite well. However, he didn't pay much attention to the cultivation of xinxing and he found it difficult to let go of his attachments in many of the tribulations he came across. When the persecution first started, we had different ideas on where we should distribute truth-clarifying materials. At one time, he was so angry with me that he kicked the door and almost broke it. Our son was busy playing and became slack in cultivation, but my husband pushed and dragged him, and forced him to practice the exercises. Our son cried and wanted to give up cultivation several times.
My husband was very kind and compassionate when he was saving sentient beings. He spent all his savings on truth-clarifying materials and hardly spent any money on himself. One hot summer day, he had walked for about four to five hours sweeping and became very thirsty. He came across an ice cream shop and walked back and forth in front of the shop three times. In the end, he didn't buy even a bottle of iced water to just save one dollar. I admired him from the bottom of my heart because he was so diligent in saving sentient beings.
But my husband didn't know how to look within and cultivate himself. On many occasions he managed to calm himself down because he thought he was a practitioner and should not behave like an ordinary person. However, he actually didn't discover his attachment or human notions nor did he try to get rid of them. Many times he didn't require himself to meet the standard of the Fa. So tribulations accumulated.
One day, the water charge collectors came to our home to collect the fee. Many of the households were on a capped price because the water fee was cheaper this way. My husband wanted to have the capped price for our home as well. He had discussed this with the collectors several times but they refused to let him have the capped price. On this occasion, he was not able to control himself and he flew into a rage. He wouldn’t let me give the money to the collectors, but I did. He then ordered them to give it back to me. They were so frightened that they left in a hurry.
At that time, I was not in a good cultivation state either. I often looked outside, rather than inside. I looked down upon my husband because a lot of his behaviour was not in line with the Fa. I often criticized him and lost many opportunities to improve myself.
My husband asked me to buy him a pair of pants one day in March 2006. I went out and bought some fashionable pants. He became so angry with me and accused me of having a deviated mind. He went on and on for several hours. I realized that indeed I had deviated notions. He was angry all day. The next day when he mentioned this matter, he still couldn't control himself and reprimanded me for a long time. I was writing an experience sharing article. I listened without saying anything until I was not able to put up with it any longer. I cried. I tore up the article I wrote. He was a bit shocked and realized that he was wrong. He pieced together the paper with tape and said to me: “If I interfered with your cultivation, then I committed a crime. I don't know why I couldn't control my temper.” After a while, he lost his temper again about the pants. At 6 p.m. when I was sending forth righteous thoughts, I saw with my third eye that two old force gods appeared before me on the right side. One of them pointed his finger at my husband and said to me contemptuously: “Look at him!” Instantly I realized that evil was not worthy of persecuting practitioners. I constantly sent forth righteous thoughts until the old force gods disappeared. At 12 a.m. that night when I was sending forth righteous thoughts, I saw a sharp dagger about six inches long right in the middle of his pillow with the tip facing upwards. I was a bit shocked. That was where he placed his head when he lay down on the bed. I sent strong righteous thoughts to dissolve the evil. But my husband didn't think seriously about this matter.
My husband's brother called him one day in early April when he was off work. His brother asked him to join them playing Mahjong at their mother's house. (My husband used to gamble a lot before he started to practice Falun Gong. He stopped, but didn't give up his fundamental attachment, so when family members got together, he played with them.) He knew he shouldn't go but still he went without hesitation. He said this would be the last time and then he would then give up Mahjong. I didn't want him to go and whined about it: “Why don't you measure everything according to the Fa? How do you cultivate? If you want to cultivate, cultivate seriously. If you don't want to cultivate, then go, and don't mention cultivation any more.” (I said this too seriously and was not mindful of his acceptance. I am very regretful.) I tried to force him to change using human means, which can't help practitioners at all.
Master said in Zhuan Falun: “There is no constraint between this qi and that qi.”
His brother called again. He promised him he would come over immediately. Continuing our argument and to justify his leaving, he elaborated on what I said and said loudly: “From now on I will give up practicing – but that is because you forced me to give up. I will do whatever I want to do. I will go out to look for girls. You wait and see.” Though he left, I could sense that he felt guilty in his heart.
The next day when he came home, he was regretful and was somehow different. He said he had made a mistake. But cultivation is not child's play. The evil took advantage of his loophole and started to persecute him. Three days later, his nose bled heavily while he was at work. It bled five times within 40 days and each time it bled heavier than the previous time and lasted from half an hour to six-and-a-half hours. The last time he fainted. But eventually, with the help of practitioners and Master's strengthening, he got over it.
His health, however, deteriorated after this incident. He looked pale and had difficulty walking up stairs and coughed all the time. He felt helpless in this prolonged state of sickness. At the end of 2006, he continued to cough, he discharged blood in his urine, his whole body became swollen and he suffered from insomnia. It was nearly Chinese New Year. His colleagues suggested that he go to see a doctor. He knew he should not go, but he was heavy hearted. I tried to share with him but he didn't say much. Every day he sent forth righteous thoughts. One week before he passed away, I saw his eyes and I was shocked – I knew he was going to die. My mind went blank at the time. I started to send forth righteous thoughts day and night to negate the evil's persecution, but the evil's interference was huge and I felt extremely sleepy those days.
Things became worse due to the old forces' arrangements. Two days before the Chinese New Year, my husband asked me if I could let him relax during the Chinese New Year. I was not happy but I didn't know how to persuade him not to. He played Mahjong for three days.
On the third day of the Chinese New Year, when he returned home and had to climb the stairs, his legs became stiff. He extended his arms motioning to me to drag him up. I flew into a rage and scolded him: “So you go out to play. I will not drag you.” I saw him painfully standing there, but I turned and walked away. When I finally helped him up the stairs, within 10 minutes he suddenly passed away.
For all these years, whenever I looked back at the cultivation path that we had walked, I would always think of the moment that my husband extended his arms to me and asked me to drag him up the stairs. I couldn't control myself sometimes.
Cultivation is a very serious matter. My husband left this world with much regret. He played a negative role and hindered many people from coming to know the Fa. We didn't genuinely cultivate ourselves. We took the tribulations as ordinary people's discomfort. We only wanted to have a good result but didn't cultivate ourselves during the process. The tribulations became bigger and bigger and in the end became unsurpassable. Master has arranged the way for every practitioner to a full completion. My husband elevated slowly and didn't negate the old forces' arrangements, thus he passed away when the time came.
I sincerely hope that Dafa practitioners who are doing things according to their human hearts can get rid of the superficial form and genuinely cultivate themselves. Practitioners, please do not miss this opportunity of a million years, and be worthy of sentient beings' trust.
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