(Clearwisdom.net) Greetings Master, Greetings fellow practitioners.

I’ve come to realize that it’s time for me to share with other practitioners the issues I’ve been facing in my cultivation during the past few years. The focus is on how I came to understand my fundamental attachment. It played a negative role in many ways with the Dafa projects in which I participated. I wouldn’t do any job of responsibility. I just helped out with the small things as support staff. I was always on the sidelines waiting for others to start a project so I could help them.

My fundamental attachment was a lack of self worth. I had always felt that I was undeserving of anything good or worthwhile. I felt that any bad situation was my fault, and I even asked myself how could I do something so important as to be a Fa rectification period Dafa disciple. I never felt that I was good enough.

My thoughts during cultivation had always been about letting go of attachments. I listened to every thought looking for attachments to eliminate. Over time I realized that this was an attachment in itself. I thought that if I could only let go of another attachment I would be a better person, and I would be worthy. I sabotaged myself by pushing others to reinforce how I felt about myself. I believed because of my lack of worth that I had for myself, that my life should be difficult, hard, and torturous, so I actually made my life difficult, hard, and torturous.

The only time that I felt like my true self was when I did the three things. I was focused and confident with all my thoughts in the Fa, and I knew that this is what I was meant to do.

I had never distinguished the difference between myself the everyday person and myself the Fa rectification period Dafa disciple - they are actually two different people.

When I started practicing Falun Dafa, my whole life changed. Not only did all my illnesses disappear but my life direction changed as well. I no longer acknowledge myself the everyday person who had illnesses. I see the real me - I am a Fa rectification period Dafa disciple.

In Essentials for Further Advancement II Master said,

"Dafa disciples are magnificent, because what you are cultivating is the ultimate Great Fa of the cosmos, because you have validated Dafa with righteous thoughts, and because you have not fallen during the massive tribulation. Dafa disciples’ doing Fa-rectification has no precedent in history. In the magnificent, grand feats of validating the Fa with rationality, clarifying the truth with wisdom, and spreading the Fa and saving people with mercy, each Dafa disciple’s path of Consummation is being perfected. At this great moment in history, every steady step is a glorious historic testimony, and is incomparably-magnificent mighty virtue. All this is being recorded in the history of the cosmos. The magnificent Fa and the magnificent epoch are forging the most magnificent Enlightened Beings." ("The Disciples’ Magnificence")

I am a part of this. I now hold my head high and follow what Master has arranged for me.

Sickness Karma

As a cultivator I had sickness karma, but I kept calling it cancer and an over active thyroid. It was in my thoughts all the time I was ill. At this stage, I didn’t see the difference between being ill and sickness karma but knew that I had human thoughts. This was before I distinguished my true self from myself before I practiced Dafa, who had lung disease, allergies, and chronic fatigue, who was dying. At this stage I couldn’t see the difference.

I was very secretive about the sickness karma. For the first 12 months I didn’t want anyone to know. My low self esteem told me that I deserved the sickness karma. I realized that by not sharing about these cultivation issues it would be difficult to break through this thinking. Slowly over the next six months I started to share my situation with practitioners.

I was looking for support. One day through my tears I shared my situation with a Chinese practitioner from Sydney. He said to me, "I am so sorry to hear this, so many practitioners are dying, you need to go to as many Fa Study groups as you can, every day if you can, and go to where you know there are practitioners practicing the exercises." It was exactly what I needed to hear. I cut back my hours at work and started going to the large group Fa study and another two Fa study groups in my area.

In Essentials for Further Advancement Master said,

“The human body is like the annual rings of a tree, whereby each ring contains sickness-karma. So your body must be cleaned from the very center.”

“This will continue until your cultivation reaches the highest form of In-Triple-World-Law (i.e., the Pure-White Body), when all of your karma will have been pushed out." ("Sickness Karma")

When I read this it all made sense, and I could see the difference between having an illness and sickness karma. I knew that Master was patiently waiting for me to enlighten to it.

Master is my support. He listens to me, he helps me enlighten, and he is always there for me. I no longer cultivate in loneliness because Master walks by my side. I put my life in Master's Hands and I have Dafa in my heart. Thank you Master!

This is my understanding at my level.