I Learned How to Look Inward
(Clearwisdom.net) One day, practitioner A said that recently the practitioners in our Fa study group were very diligent. Every day, they would go to the market together to clarify the truth and persuade people face-to-face to quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). They did very well, and many people agreed to quit the CCP. I felt bored hearing this because of my jealousy. I am an office worker, and I could not spend as much time on clarifying the truth. I felt that I was falling behind the others. The more I thought this way, the more jealous I would get. I even thought, “If they go out every day to clarify the truth, they will be arrested sooner if not later.” When I had this thought, I was shocked. Why would I have a thought like this? It was terrible. Jealousy can really make people lose their senses.
It's no wonder why Master said in Zhuan Falun,
“If jealousy isn’t eliminated, all the thoughts you’ve cultivated become fragile.”
I could not be like this -- I am a Dafa practitioner. If I do not have time to clarify the truth, I can send forth righteous thoughts to support my fellow practitioners. That evening, I spent a longer time sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate my jealousy. Afterward, I felt relieved.
Being in this cultivation state, I felt really upset. Gradually, I searched inside to the innermost part of my heart and in the process, I recalled something.
In 2003, I was arrested and yielded to the persecutors. After I yielded, practitioner A was arrested too. At that time, the policemen did not allow her to sleep. The following morning at breakfast, practitioner A sneaked in a nap. After I saw her sleeping, I thought, “Break out of here if you are capable of doing it. How can you just sleep here?” At that moment, I hoped those evil people would make her wake up. As I expected, some collaborators saw her. They forced her to stand up and face the wall. Again, I thought, “I have yielded to the evil and fell down. I don't want you to reach Consummation either. We will be the same, then.” It was a terrible thought; years later I still feel great remorse when thinking about it. Why did I have such an evil thought? Wasn't that the same thought as the old forces? Later, that practitioner gave in and I felt good while gloating over her failure. Now, I realize that jealousy is terrible. It can destroy me as well as others, and it may lead me to go to the opposite side.
After I found my human attachment, I tried to eliminate it from my heart. That night, I had a dream of a tall peach tree and many peaches. I wanted one, but I could not reach it. There were two rotten peaches under the tree, but I did not want them. I picked up a rotten peach and threw it at the tree. It knocked down a big peach from the tree. After I looked at it, I realized it was a crystal-clear lotus. It was so delicate. Carefully, I looked and it was just like a lotus. After I woke up, I realized how compassionate Master was: after I truly looked inward, Master gave me a lotus!
The next day was Sunday and I needed to go to Fa study and read Minghui Weekly for practitioners. I did not want to go. I thought, “I do not have much to share with the others, nor did I persuade people to quit the CCP. I won't go.” Then I thought, “I should go. I am the only young person in the group. I should not be selfish. Reading Minghui Weekly to them, sharing my experiences and insights, and helping others is helping myself.” So I went to the group Fa study. At the time, many elderly practitioners shared their experience of persuading people face-to-face to quit the CCP. I tried to remain peaceful, tried not to envy them, and used my righteous thoughts to support them. Afterward, I was peaceful, lighthearted, and a bit delighted. I was not jealous of them.
After several days, practitioner B came by often to share how she looked inward. By then, I had realized some of my attachments. I was too embarrassed to tell her because I was afraid that she would laugh at me. One morning I thought, “Fear of being laughed at is a human attachment.” Afterward, I wanted to share with other practitioners and expose the filthy thoughts in my mind. I then thought, “Do not say it. You know yourself and that is enough. Gradually, you will do better. People will laugh and say you are so bad after cultivating for many years.... Don't say it.” For the sake of my of pride, I was confused by my attachment and refused to expose my selfishness. Instead, I talked about something superficial and pretended to be diligent.
After I realized my human thoughts, I opened my heart and communicated with practitioner B. In my mind, I examined all my attachments. I discovered that I had the attachment of fear. I was afraid that I would not reach Consummation. After I read online articles by practitioners as to when the Fa-rectification would end and how all Dafa practitioners would go to heaven, I was subconsciously afraid that I would be left behind in the human world. I thought about how fellow practitioners were much more successful than I was at distributing materials and helping people quit the CCP, and I was terribly afraid that I would be left behind. So out of this fear of not wanting to be left behind, I had all kinds of selfish thoughts as I went about clarifying the truth: to improve myself, to accumulate mighty virtue, and to cultivate my way back. When other practitioners wanted to learn how to print and make truth-clarification materials, my selfish notions of wanting to accumulate mighty virtue were hit upon. I did not want to teach them. I was afraid they would take away my opportunity to accumulate mighty virtue. (Suddenly, I realized why I couldn’t persuade others to quit the CCP. With my selfish mind and very little compassion, how could I save other people?) After I looked deeper, I found the biggest and ultimate attachment behind all of my attachments, which was to use Dafa to achieve what I wanted. I saw how Dafa and Master are omnipotent, so I did the three things as Master required, but only to use Dafa to achieve my own goals. After I saw how dangerous this kind of thinking was, I made up my mind to rid myself of it.
Do not worry this new year, Master. I will put down my filthy thoughts and do the three things well with a pure mind.