Muddling Through a Tribulation Makes It Harder to Overcome
(Clearwisdom.net) There have been large scale seizures of practitioners throughout China, and I was one of them. Our family material production site that we had been operating for years was destroyed, causing great losses. Under great pressure, I momentarily went astray in the brainwashing center and was almost destroyed. I know that all these things happened because I was covering my fundamental attachments and let the old forces take advantage of me. I have decided that I must completely and honestly expose my attachments.
I have serious attachments to emotion and lust and have made great mistakes in this regard. I also committed the huge sin of abortion to hide my mistake. To avoid persecution by the old forces, I wrote two articles and sent them to the Minghui website (Chinese version of Clearwisdom), exposing my attachments. But I knew that I purposefully made these articles very vague because I was afraid that local practitioners would read them. My intention in writing the articles was not pure. I was using an everyday person's cleverness to evade the truth, and it was not a sincere repentance, so those two articles were not published on Minghui. I was secretly delighted, thinking that, after all, I wrote the articles to expose my mistakes, it was not my fault that they were not published; I thought I only needed to make sure that I didn't make the same mistake again.
Over the years, the old forces have latched onto my attachments and used them, pushing me to slack off in my cultivation. I understood this but just didn't have the courage to completely and honestly expose these attachments. The old forces also used everything to magnify my attachments in this regards.
I became enthralled with watching Korean dramas whenever I had time, even though I knew that these TV dramas would enlarge my attachment to emotion. But I could not help myself. So I slid down step by step, to the point that I would imagine myself as the heroine in the Korean dramas. The old forces also saw my attachment. The year before last I met an everyday person over the Internet. He was very nice to me in the beginning. Later he started to make improper requests. I was very clear that this was arranged by old forces trying to pull me down, and I could have immediately cut off communications with him. However, I was enjoying that feeling and was dealing with it using an everyday person's cunning, so this lasted more than a year before I completely cut it off.
Since I was asking for the "demon of emotion," the old forces actually arranged for such a person to be next to me. We collaborate very well at work and he happens to be the kind of person that I like. My attachment to lust that was very deeply hidden was completely brought back, and eventually I almost made a big mistake. It was very painful but I did not have the resolve to cut it off, and I did not dare to tell anyone. This year I tried, but still could not escape from this. Master also gave me some hints in my dreams: I was chased by a man all over the place. Even though I disguised myself in a variety of ways, the man could always see through the disguise by just taking one look at me. Being desperate, I shouted that I practiced Falun Gong. I was thinking that if the evil authorities arrested me, then the man could not find me. After waking up I regretted it very much: Why did I not ask Master for help when I was in danger? Why did I ask the evil to arrest me?
I understood the hints from this dream very clearly, but when I returned to a relaxed environment I once again slacked off. I forgot that the old forces were keeping a close eye on me and I even forgot that I was a practitioner. Actually, I was not completely determined to get rid off my attachments. Instead, I tried to use an everyday person's cleverness to escape.
The old forces did not let me go, so I was seized and taken to a brainwashing center. To protect myself I wrote a repentance statement and many articles slandering Dafa and Master against my will. I also betrayed fellow practitioners and went astray in order to get out of the brainwashing center earlier.
While I was watching the Shen Yun DVD tonight, I suddenly enlightened that we came to this world not to enjoy life but to bear hardships. This is how we are allowed to pay back the karma that we generated over many lifetimes sooner and return to our true selves. Although I have been practicing Dafa for so many years, I have regarded pursuing comfort in everyday people's society as my goal. Actually, Master has talked about this issue very plainly in Zhuan Falun. Unfortunately I did not enlighten to it over all these years.
Here I wish to sincerely repent to Master: Because I have been unwilling to eliminate my fundamental attachments I have been unworthy of Master's compassionate salvation and enlightenment time and time again. However, beneficent Master did not give up on me and gave me another chance! I will not disappoint Master again, and I will be worthy of His compassionate salvation, and I will assist Master in Fa-rectification and follow Him to return home as soon as possible!