New Practitioner: I Learned How to Search Inward
(Clearwisdom.net) I started reading Falun Dafa books around mid-2009. I read Zhuan Falun, but my enlightenment quality was very poor. I didn’t understand what cultivation was, nor did I think of myself as a cultivator. After reading the book twice, I put it aside. But the words from the book kept coming to my mind. One day in December, I said to myself, “I want to cultivate.” My life changed after that.
For all of 2010, I knew I needed to read the books and study the Fa, but I didn’t really know how to cultivate. I knew why I should search inward, but I didn’t know how to. I knew that Dafa was good, so whenever I experienced interference, whether is was drowsiness while studying the Fa or difficulty breathing due to asthma, I could eliminate it with righteous thoughts.
Sometimes, when I especially didn’t want to study the Fa, I knew it was interference and would force myself to start reading. During that period of time, Teacher gave me hints. For example, when I was being greedy and didn’t want to share the cost of an exhibit, I fell down. As I am writing this, I feel very touched by Teacher’s protection and limitless mercy.
Clarifying the Truth Face to Face
In May of this year, I said to myself, “You tell everyday people how to break the Internet blockade and access the Minghui website (Chinese version of Clearwisdom), but you are afraid to do it yourself; what kind of Dafa disciple are you?” I felt deeply ashamed. So I got the software and could finally read the articles on the Minghui website. That was a milestone in my cultivation. As a result, my cultivation rose to a new level.
I spent a lot of time reading practitioners' sharing on Minghui. My first feeling was that I was far behind my fellow practitioners. When I read their articles, I tried to remember how they clarified the truth and the basic truth about Falun Gong. Because I cultivate by myself, I don't know any other practitioners. I hadn’t read many of Teacher’s lectures and articles, so I was not even clear on some basic information about telling the facts about Falun Gong. So I started to talk with people in public.
In the beginning, I didn’t know how to start. Although I had explained the facts to my family and friends, as well as taxi drivers, I still couldn’t speak to strangers. I kept encouraging myself. Slowly I was able to advise people to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its affiliated organizations—from one person a day to 16 people a day. I felt really good. However, sometimes my state was good, but not so good at other times. When I talked with people, I had human notions, too. I started to pursue and had an attachment to the number of people I was able to advise. Sometimes, after someone agreed to withdraw from the CCP, I did not clarify the truth about Falun Gong in depth. Later, I studied the Fa teachings after 1999, and I understood that the truth about Falun Gong must be clarified no matter what. Now I have let go of my attachments. As long as a person is willing to listen, I make sure that I tell him/her the truth about Falun Gong, regardless of whether the person has agreed to withdraw from the CCP or not.
Learning to Search Inward
I would like to express my sincere thanks to all of the practitioners who have contributed to the Minghui website. I have benefited greatly from those cultivation experience articles. I deeply understand the importance of writing about our cultivation experiences. That’s the motivation and reason for my writing down my experiences today. I also wish that all practitioners would pick up a pen and write down their understandings, as it would help many others.
Before I learned how to search inward, my tribulations at home were steadily increasing. My husband was against my practicing to start with. I had to study the Fa behind his back; otherwise he would get very upset. What I didn’t expect was that my mother-in-law would accuse me of deceiving her son by not telling him that I was unable to bear children before we got married, which was not true. Even my sister-in-law put pressure on my husband. I felt that I had to face pressure from everyone. During that time I held onto one thought: “No matter what, I will not give up cultivation.” I believed that all of the events were tests. However, I didn’t know how to cultivate myself, so my home environment kept deteriorating. My husband talked about divorce on and off. I kept resisting his suggestions to split up and my life was very miserable at that time.
After I read sharing articles, I realized that, no matter what, even when faced with the most unreasonable accusation, I must search inward. Teacher told us,
“Let me tell you that throughout the development of human society, not a single occurrence is coincidental.” (“Lecture at the First Conference in North America”)
I asked myself if my husband's accusations were true. When I looked inward, I saw my selfishness, laziness, etc. I still carried the notions and selfishness I had before I started cultivating. I realized that I never truly cared for him. I paid no attention to his work. If he said he didn't want any breakfast, I was satisfied to not ask him why; when he said that he would eat anything, I made minimal effort to cook. The food I made tasted worse and worse. When a cultivator behaves worse than an everyday person, how can she call herself a cultivator?
In addition, I was still selfishly using the excuse of not having enough time to study the Fa. Teacher said,
“It isn’t a problem for you to cultivate while conforming to ordinary human society to the maximum extent.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Eastern U.S. Fa Conference”)
I realized that a practitioner should do well with all his/her responsibilities in ordinary human society. A wife should do well what a wife should do, such as taking care of her family and husband. Teacher would never let us use Fa-study as an excuse or not follow the Fa of this level.
After I realized that, I was determined to get rid of selfishness. I started to make breakfast for my husband every morning. I noticed that he would eat everything no matter what I made. So I started to make soup for him, too. I felt that he became more relaxed. I saw a smile on his face again. He no longer talks about divorce, and now I can study the Fa and practice the exercises openly at home.
When it comes to my mother-in-law, I realized that I really hadn't done well before. I didn’t truly think about others. I didn’t cultivate my speech and would say anything without thinking. I didn’t respect her from my heart and looked down on her from time to time. I didn’t pay attention to details when I did things. When I realized all of this, I told myself to behave like a true Dafa practitioner. The opportunity finally came. On August 15 of this year, my husband and I invited his parents out for dinner. During the meal, I carefully looked after the elderly couple with a calm mind. After dinner, we took them home, and my mother-in-law said to me, “You didn’t eat much dinner. Why not eat something when you get home.” I knew she was being kind. The baggage in my heart was finally lifted. Although my mother-in-law didn’t call me, I knew that I had passed the worst part of my family tribulations.
Nowadays, I do my best to catch every thought that is not aligned with the Fa and rectify it. I tell myself that the thought is not mine. My life is within the Fa, and I would never think that way. I often write down the bad thought that I caught and dig deeply to find my attachment. I try not to let a single bad thought pass by.
I finally learned how to cultivate. I feel that my heart is getting bigger, and my compassion is getting stronger. I know now that cultivation is searching inward. I experienced the joy of searching inward. I want to say, “Searching inward is truly good.”
I have written down and shared my limited understanding. I only improved after I read the sharings of my fellow practitioners, so I deeply understand how important sharing articles are.