After Long-Term Conflicts with My Wife, I Finally Identified My Fundamental Attachments
(Clearwisdom.net) I used to be very bad at balancing family relationships, especially with my wife who is also a practitioner. I didn't pass the xinxing tests between us very well, and when conflicts arose, I didn't look inward. As a result, we constantly fought with each other. Sometimes I looked inward, but I only looked at the tribulations superficially, and sometimes I even thought I wasn't wrong at all. I discussed this problem with fellow practitioners many times, and they kindly pointed out that both my wife and I had some cultivation loopholes. Our conflicts became more frequent and more intense, and when we couldn't pass the test, we behaved even worse than ordinary people. Later on, as I kept studying the Fa and Master kept giving me hints, along with fellow practitioners' suggestions, I finally looked inward unconditionally and found my fundamental attachment. Since then, my wife and I have had no more conflicts. Now I want to share with fellow practitioners my experience in removing my attachments.
In the past, I thought my wife didn't study the Fa enough, didn't cultivate herself, and didn't do many things to validate the Fa. She was too attached to personal gain and taught our child “to be smart.” She cursed at people when she was angry. Because of this, I looked down upon her in my heart.
One time after I came home from grocery shopping, she was very angry, saying, “Who would want these vegetables? They've been chewed on by insects. Only a fool like you would want such vegetables!” I said, “I talked to the vendor because I wanted to clarify the truth to him. He agreed to quit the CCP after he understood the truth. As long as we can save people, it doesn't matter if we eat vegetables like this.” She retorted, “You only know you need to clarify the truth. Don't you want to live like a regular person? Why do you buy vegetables that look like this!” I continued, “I was following Master's requirement to save people, I wasn't wrong. If you don't go out to save people, then I will.” Neither one of us was willing to back off or show any respect for the other person.
Once a practitioner had problems with his computer and he asked me to help fix it. Before I left, my wife asked me to come home early because we were going to have guests that evening. I said I would and then left. It was already dark by the time I had fixed the computer. As soon as I got home, she said to me with a lot of anger, “I'll talk to you after the guests leave.” Later that night, she complained to me that I had gotten home too late, so she had had to do all the work of preparing dinner and entertaining our guests. She complained to me, “You promised me that you'd come back early, but you didn't keep your word. In the future, I won't allow you to go out at night. If you don't have any consideration for me, then I won't have any consideration for you.” I also got very angry. “Doing things for Dafa is more important. It doesn't matter if I get back a little bit late.” Then she became even more angry. “I'm so busy doing things at home so that you can go out to do Dafa things, why don't you consider my situation?” Afterward we had a big fight and both of us insisted on defending our own viewpoint.
When we had some problems involving personal gain, my wife often behaved like an ordinary person and said I was foolish. Sometimes when I was so angry that I couldn't maintain my xinxing, I told her, “You always curse at people like that. You know you are losing a lot of virtue. If you lose everything, how can you cultivate? The only times that you aren't angry or don't curse at people is when you are sleeping. There are no other cultivators like you!” Once my mother (a non-practitioner) heard us fighting and said, “Both of you are practicing Dafa. How can you act like that?” That really made me feel bad. I didn't maintain my xinxing and also acted so rudely. Sometimes when we couldn't resolve our problems, we went to fellow practitioners and asked them to decide who was right. Fellow practitioners pointed out our problems and kindly told us that both of us needed to look inward. Sometimes I knew that, as a practitioner, I shouldn't act like that and I really needed to look inward. If at the start of a conflict I could change my attitude and treat my wife with compassion, we wouldn't have any conflicts. But I wasn't able to keep this up for very long before we fought with each other once again. Sometimes I was confused: I had looked inward, so why did we still have problems? Ever since I had started cultivation practice, this had been the way we carried on our relationship, and I felt it was very hard for me to cultivate myself.
After I calmed down, I realized that my wife's behavior must be a reflection of my cultivation state. I decided to look inward unconditionally and to find my fundamental attachment. As long as I had the wish to look inward, Master gave me hints. When I studied the Fa, no matter which lecture I studied, the part I read always talked about how to look inward. I knew Master was talking about me.
“The tests for you to pass are in fact meant to remove your demon-nature. Nonetheless, from time to time you have used various excuses or Dafa itself to hide it, and failed to improve your xinxing while missing opportunities again and again.
Do you realize that as long as you’re a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across—even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are—to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated...” (“Further Understanding” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Master also said,
“Yet when we run into problems, we often look outwards—'Why are you treating me like that?'—and feel that we’ve been treated unfairly, instead of examining ourselves. That’s the greatest and most fatal obstacle for all living beings.” (“Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Singapore” in 1998)
Sometimes when she didn't allow me to do Dafa things, I thought that nothing was more important than Dafa. If she wouldn't allow me to do Dafa things, then she was interfering with me. I used Dafa as an excuse to hide my attachments. If I was able to do something, I also felt she had to do the same thing. I often forced my understandings on her; it did not matter whether she could accept them or not. I didn't consider her feelings. All I could see were her shortcomings, and I never noticed those things she did well. Actually, she has a lot of good qualities, and, because she was very supportive, I could spend more time clarifying the truth. When I was going here and there to validate Dafa and save people, she did the farm work and housework and took care of our child. When fellow practitioners came, she treated them with warmth and generosity. She has supported me and quietly cooperated with me to help me better validate the Fa and to save more people. Why didn't I notice all of this in the past?
There were several times when she had health tribulations. I didn't communicate with her, help her send forth righteous thoughts, study the Fa with her, or look inward myself. Instead, I blamed her for not studying the Fa enough and for not cultivating her xinxing. She was already in a tribulation, and my blaming her made things even worse.
When I was dealing with something, I didn't care what her opinion was, and I thought the decision I made was based on the Fa and I was right. If she didn't agree with me, then, in my opinion, she wasn't in line with the Fa. I insisted on my understandings and wanted to change her, but not myself. Every time I saw her, I felt uncomfortable. Unconsciously, barriers were being created between us and we were following the old forces' arrangement, creating obstacles for us to save sentient beings.
We practice cultivation as human beings, not as divine beings. As human beings, we still have a lot of attachments to be removed. Both of us are cultivating ourselves in Dafa, and we enlighten to different principles. Therefore, I should be tolerant of her attachments and communicate with her so that we can improve together. After I started to look inward, I found my own attachments. In the past, I always thought I had strict requirements for myself, but now I realize that I didn't truly look inward.
As I identified my attachments, I found my heart had broadened. I said to my wife, “I have found my fundamental attachment, which is to validate myself. I looked down upon other people and couldn't bear other people pointing out my problems. I always thought I was right, and I didn't consider other people's feelings.” After she heard this, she cried, “How come it took you so long to enlighten to this problem? That is indeed your problem, and you've finally found it. I've also looked within, and I realized I always cursed at you whenever I was angry. I shouldn't treat you like that, either. I'm also responsible for your attachments, because I also didn't have any consideration for you.” I said, “So both of us have functioned as a demon for each other. Since we've found our problems, let's correct them. In the future, let's cultivate more diligently together.”
After we looked inward, our fields became clear. We opened our hearts and sincerely talked with each other for a long time. Only if we rectify ourselves and harmonize our family can we save more sentient beings. Thanks to revered Master for compassionately reminding us time after time. And also thanks for fellow practitioners' help.
I welcome fellow practitioners to point out anything improper.