(Clearwisdom.net) During November and December of 2007, I thought I should calm my mind to really study the Fa well; thus, I planned to stay at home for a few days. I sat in the double lotus position and started to study the Fa. By the third day, I had reached a point where I wanted to recite all of Master's lectures. The Fa is so precious. When I continued and studied further, suddenly the cultivation path that I have taken in the past eight years unfolded before my eyes. I realized I had traveled a path of validating myself for the past eight years. All the uncomfortable words that fellow practitioners had said to me also appeared before my eyes. I saw that I had rarely looked within, instead, I usually felt that I had been wronged. Sometimes, even when what others said was correct, I had felt that their words were grossly unjust. Sometimes my tone of voice had made it clear that I didn't allow others to disapprove. When we exchanged our views and shared, I would often talk about how we should do things, and wasn't concerned about the abilities or endurance of other people. I had often pointed out the faults of others and how others had treated me unfairly.
When I saw this, I felt deep regret in my heart. I kept asking myself: When I heard the suggestions that others gave me, why didn't I search within? Why didn't I look within myself while I was in the midst of conflicts? If I had truly been searching inward, I wouldn't have been on the road of validating myself for eight years! I felt so terrible inside my heart, that I walked back and forth. I walked for two days. At the same time, I also felt very afraid, I thought to myself, "If Fa-rectification ends now, where will I go?"
I organized my thoughts for a moment: The first thing I needed to do was to get rid of all the opinions in my mind about fellow practitioners, and send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate all the bad thoughts in my mind. I told myself that I must search within myself unconditionally, that when I encounter conflicts I should just look within myself.
Then one after another, the conflicts came!
One occurred after a fellow practitioner was rescued. Fellow Practitioner A said, "Let's have an experience sharing meeting and the main topic would be looking within, to find where we didn't do well which caused our fellow practitioner be arrested." Everyone arrived on time. When Practitioner B sat down, he started saying that A was at fault here and there; when he finished talking about Practitioner A, he talked about Practitioner C. I thought to myself, there wouldn't be anyone talking about me today. To my surprise, after a while, Practitioner B switched the topic, and spoke to me. He said, "Let me give you a suggestion; your attachment of validating yourself is too strong. When you fixed the computer, you really showed off, as if others don't know as much about it as you do." I said to him, "I have realized that, I have the attachment of validating myself, and I am cultivating myself to get rid of it." However, even though I'd said it calmly and rationally, I felt wronged inside. Yes, on that day, when I fixed the computer, I solved the problem quickly, and I felt happy and started to show off. But right after I said a few words, I realized that it was an attachment, so I talked about my attachment and exposed it to the others. Now I felt that because I had talked about it by myself, Practitioner B used it as an excuse to accuse me. I felt so wronged inside that I almost cried. On the way home, the attachments of feeling wronged and not wanting others to talk about me kept surfacing. My main consciousness kept saying, "This is arranged by Master," so I realized it's an opportunity for me to upgrade myself. However, I still felt wronged inside. I thought, "I must grasp this opportunity. First I need to thank Master. I gestured "Heshi" to Master's picture and said, "Thank you, Master! I will definitely get rid of the attachment of showing off." After this, the attachment of feeling wronged and not wanting others to talk about me disappeared. All the bad thoughts in my mind were gone. It was as though nothing had happened.
There was another instance when Practitioner A said that I said some bad things about her. I got really angry and spoke to her using offensive language without looking inside. After a few days, a few practitioners got together and discussed how to improve together. Practitioner A talked about me. She said that I was saying negative things behind her back. I felt I had explained everything clearly to her already, but she still talked about me in front of so many people. I wanted to ask her to tell the whole story, but I don't like to argue in front of large groups of people. I tried pretty hard and managed to tolerate it. After the meeting was over, I had originally wanted to reason with her again. However, a practitioner called her over and spoke to her, so I went home by myself. On the way home, I searched within myself thoroughly to see if I had actually said any bad words about her. After I searched for a while, I still couldn't remember when I had said bad things about her to someone else. But I knew the conflict could not exist accidentally. I thought, "Let me look within myself further." I asked myself, "No matter whether I talked behind her back or not, do I really think of her that way? When I looked inside, I found that my mind was filled with such negative thoughts about her. I thought, "Hey, nothing needs to be said. I had been adding so many bad thoughts and matter to her in my mind every day, how could she not know about it?" This conflict was helping me to cultivate my mind cleanly. I should not think negatively about others. In fact, these negative things were unrighteous thoughts, things I needed to cultivate away and get rid of.
One characteristic of a righteous being is that his mind is full of righteous thoughts. No matter whether toward a fellow practitioner, or anyone, or anything, the thoughts he generates are righteous thoughts. He would not always look at other people's shortcomings or even always use the mentality that goes along with the old force's persecution to think about things. In fact, this is a big problem. When I realized this, my anger suddenly disappeared; instead, I wanted to find her and hold her hands to thank her. At the same time, my heart was filled with thanks to Master. Master knew that I could tolerate being accused in front of many people. In order to let me recognize my shortcomings, Master had her talk about me in front of a lot of people, leading me to search within. I further understood the difficulty of the effort that Master has put forth to save sentient beings. I further realized that I must treasure each conflict, truly search within myself during the conflict, and look at the issue with righteous thoughts.
There was another time when Practitioner A suddenly wronged me. Even though I didn't say anything, I felt really unhappy inside, but I also looked within. However, I was always looking for right and wrong within the matter. No matter which way I looked at it, she was at fault and I was wronged! Therefore, inside I always felt it was unfair. I also believed that Practitioner A was not cultivating solidly. At the same time, Practitioner A and Practitioner B also had a conflict. It happened that I went to the village together with B. Practitioner B immediately started talking about the faults of Practitioner A. I didn't want to expand the conflict and create barriers amongst practitioners, so I stopped B. I didn't think of this as being righteous thoughts and righteous actions, but it helped me to understand one principle: that is, one needs to pay back whatever one owes. At the same time, I also knew how this tribulation was formed. I said to B and the other practitioners, "Stop saying anything. In fact, this is karmic retribution. Last year, we hurt her; this time, it is reversed. If we feel uneven inside, or even enlarge the conflict, then next time we will still run into conflicts. Let's look within, laugh the situation off, and stop it right here. Let's not repeat it again."
I realized that conflicts do not happen without a reason. They all happen for a reason. Therefore, when one is in the conflict, one should not argue within the issue; otherwise, one will get bogged down in the issue, get bogged down in right and wrong, true or false, without being able to pull oneself out.
In cultivating the heart, I have gone through a lot of suffering, and then I cultivated a little bit of forbearance. In the beginning of the year, a very big barrier formed between me and another practitioner. Cultivating away the attachments of feeling wronged, of sentimentality, and jealousy, I held back the tears and as I rode my bicycle, doing what I needed to do, for many days. I was happy and joyful while I did things, but after I finished taking care of business, the tears ran down and I could not stop them. No matter how hard it was to endure, I told myself, I must endure it; and not talk to other people about it. I felt if I talked about it, I would feel better inside, and feel delighted; however, the karma would not eliminated. Instead, I had created karma, and it's even possible that I had created barriers between practitioners. Therefore, I told myself to send forth righteous thoughts strongly to eliminate these human attachments. When I could not endure it, I would rather cry, but not complain to others about it. After I experienced this, I felt I was able to forbear somewhat better than before.
Experiencing all kinds of tribulations and tests, I find that I have changed. Now when I hear things other people say about me, I look within myself to find my own fault. I no longer need to tolerate it with tears in my eyes. Sometimes, when the attachments surface, I think to myself, "Put it down. What do I want to bring with me when I leave this human world? When I am able to let go of human attachments, I gain tolerance and compassion."
