I Have Learned to Truly Look Inward
(Clearwisdom.net) I have recently run into different conflicts almost every day, during which the weak points of my xinxing become apparent in all aspects. Due to my limited level, and because I haven't paid much attention to internal cultivation since I started practicing, I have not remained undisturbed, and many attachments of everyday people, including my attachments to fame, profit, and personal feelings, have thoroughly exposed themselves while I overcome these tribulations. I have learned, however, to look inside!
Whenever there is a conflict, I no longer dispute who is right or wrong on the surface level as I did before. I no longer look for others' attachments or feel anguished, and I am no longer trapped in an endless conflict for a number of days to the point that I am unable to extricate myself, which then results in my becoming depressed, giving up on myself, throwing in the towel, and losing myself in a struggle against tribulation and pain. I--who was so obstinate and incorrigible and always looked outward in the past--have changed.
I really feel like I've been reborn, although others may not see the change. Only I am aware of it, but this change comes from the very depths of my heart. I continually keep uncovering my true being, rather than being attached to a superficial ego.
My method is as follows: When I run into a conflict that disturbs me, I look inside at once and ask myself, "What and how did I think and feel about it before the conflict? Was my thinking in line with the requirements of Falun Dafa? If not, why did I have the wrong idea? What was I attached to? How was it generated? Was it generated from notions in everyday human society?" Then I challenge myself: "Find the source of this wrong idea, and deny and eliminate it."
I no longer put myself down. Instead, I cling to an idea. That idea is that my life will be purified in Dafa and return to its beautiful and sanctified home. I believe that every conflict is arranged by our merciful Master in order to enlighten us to look inside. I need to seize every opportunity to look inward no matter which level I reach, and what I find after looking inside are all manifestations of my xinxing. When I face my true being, am I always considering which attachment have been exposed after the conflict today? Is it jealousy, fame, or the mentality of showing off? In the process of this examination, I find what I am subconsciously pursuing. As a practitioner, is it really what I should strive for? I will rationally ask myself, and then rationally answer myself, "No, it is a wrong notion formed when I was deluded by ordinary human society." Each time I realize this, I again cultivate closer to my true being.
I have been keeping a record of my cultivation experiences in the form of a dairy. This has made me very happy, and I have upgraded myself very fast since I learned to look inside. Just yesterday I realized something from one issue, and then I upgraded myself. Today, I found a new attachment in regards to another issue, and again had another realization, and again eliminated that notion. I can feel Master's intricate arrangements for our cultivation from instant to instant. I thank our merciful Master for his step-by-step elaborate arrangements for me. I will put all my efforts into cultivation. I finally have a true realization of Master's teaching:
"Whatever you experience during your cultivation--whether good or bad--is good, for it comes about only because you are cultivating." ("To the Chicago Fa Conference")
June 23, 2009