Searching Inward After Falling Down--Becoming Diligent With More Righteous Thoughts
(Clearwisdom.net) I am 46 years old, and I started practicing Falun Dafa in November 1996. During the past six months, I felt that I had clarified the truth to all the people whom I could and even others who were not so easy to clarify the truth to. Thus I only do two of the three things, namely studying the Fa and sending forth righteous thoughts. But I still couldn't do even these very well. When I study the Fa every day, I get very sleepy after a few pages, and I often feel murky and dizzy when sending forth righteous thoughts or doing the sitting exercise.
Around March 14, 2009, I started to suddenly feel cold or hot. I felt dizzy and could not sleep much at night. Three days later, the symptoms got worse. I could hardly sleep at night. I sent forth righteous thoughts every day and looked inward, but could not find the real reason.
The situation got worse day by day. By March 22, my eyesight became blurry and my hearing deteriorated severely. On March 23 when I went to work, many colleagues mentioned that my facial color looked awful, and my manager told me that I looked like someone who had passed away at work.
At around 9:00 p.m. on March 25, my sister, brothers-in-law, and brothers came and took me to the hospital. The exam showed that I had severe diabetes and symptoms of diabetic ketoacidosis, pneumonia, and an enlarged liver, and I failed all the liver transaminase tests.
The first three days I was in the hospital, I did not understand why I had these illnesses. I had never been hospitalized in all my life. In over ten years of cultivating Falun Dafa, I hadn't taken any medicine or injections. Everyone thought I was physically healthy and diligent in my cultivation. I always thought being ill was other people's problem. Why did I have such a serious problem? Was it because Teacher had given up on me because I didn't cultivate well? Was it because I had lost my Falun? Was it because the Fa never existed.... Finally, I decided to stop thinking of anything and just let nature take its course.
On the ninth day in the hospital, I stopped coughing mucus with blood and I started feeling better. I searched inward. I believe that the crucial shortcoming in my cultivation was that I didn't do the three things well, especially clarifying the truth and saving sentient beings. If I don't do the thing that is most important for Dafa disciples, namely saving sentient beings, how can I call myself a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple? My understanding is that at the end of Fa-rectification, the requirements for Dafa disciples are very strict. It is like walking across a single-planked bridge, as you could easily fall off, even lose your life, if you are not solid enough. I had done so poorly. If it weren't for Teacher's mercy, I may have already lost my life.
Two days later, I had another round of tests. The results showed that my liver and lungs had recovered to normal. The doctor was surprised. I knew what was going on. Teacher saved me. Teacher did not want to leave a single disciple behind, including someone like me who appears to be diligent, but in fact did not do well. Thank you, Teacher!
On April 16, the doctor finally agreed to let me go home after I asked repeatedly. I stopped using all the medication on that day and vowed to say goodbye to the past. I am no longer a diabetic patient. I am a Dafa disciple and I want to be a true Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple.
When I was in the hospital, I thought to myself, "How much damage have I caused to Dafa, Dafa disciples, and everyday people by staying in the hospital? How can I clarify the truth to people and save sentient beings?"
The day I left the hospital, I got on the Internet and carefully read fellow practitioners' experience sharing. Among them, one practitioner wrote about his work, which was almost identical to mine. I was shocked and grateful. My work is related to Chinese Communist Party (CCP) administration. Because I have a strong sense of responsibility, I always want to do well no matter what I do. Usually before one thing is done, another thing is waiting for me. Although the work is all that fake and useless work from the Communist Party, the work still takes a lot of time to do well.
I was very busy at work and had to put in extra hours in the evening and on holidays, so I was always exhausted by the time I got home. I frequently got tired when I studied the Fa. In the past, I never realized this so I gave it some thought. Without my knowing, my head was full of the evil party's culture and the CCP work. There was less and less Fa. I think that was the excuse the evil factors used to persecute me and why Teacher could not help me.
I now spend thirty minutes every evening sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate evil factors in my dimensions, and ask Teacher to please strengthen me.
I am now healthy and feel energetic. I feel better than before I went to the hospital. I don't have any symptoms of diabetes.
I used to worry that clarifying the truth would become difficult, but it was actually easier than before. I feel that when my righteous thoughts increased, the results of clarifying the truth improved. I am doing the three things better than at any time in the past. In addition, I discovered and eliminated many attachments that were hidden deep and hard to find. I am thankful to Teacher.
These are my limited understandings. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.