Eliminating My Attachment of Pursuit at the Root

(Clearwisdom.net) One morning I had two dreams, and the first one was about my house. It did not have real walls, but many trees that acted like walls. As the trees grew bigger and wider, they occupied more space in the house. Thus, the house became smaller and smaller. In my dream the trees were growing very fast. I was anxious because soon the trees would take up all the indoor space. Then, I had the next dream: I was walking in a mountain when I was tripped by a tree root and fell into a hole next to the tree. Some people pulled me out of the hole, and then, I saw that several tree roots were growing out of my feet. One root even climbed to my head. A person who seemed to be a practitioner was helping me to scratch off the roots from my forehead.

I woke up, and I felt the dreams were telling me something really serious. Obviously, Teacher was pointing out to me that I had some big problem. I felt that the first dream was telling me that I had some kind of attachment that made my heart's capacity to forbear smaller and smaller, and almost my entire body was blocked by it. Maybe Teacher used the second dream to tell me to look for this attachment at the root.

I recalled that Teacher said some people were having many problems because they could not get rid of their fundamental attachments. I started to think about why I was practicing Falun Dafa. It was because I saw hope when Teacher said that he was "Truly Guiding People Up to High Levels" (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun). The thought of cultivation is something to shake "the world of ten directions." It is not an attachment. I started to look deeper inside myself.

I asked myself why I wanted to leave the Three Realms. When I was young, I had felt that the human body was a burden and one could not put up with it if the body was cold or tired. When I grew older, the affections between man and woman made me wish to totally avoid those people in my next life. Also, my health was bad. I suffered from arthritis for a long time, so my initial thought of cultivation was based on avoiding pain and staying away from my own karma. I had realized this and dealt with it when studying the Fa in the past. I knew that I needed to endure the pain and pay back my debts. This attachment was no longer there. Then what was wrong with me? I did not know and went to talk to some fellow practitioners the next day.

That evening, I read "Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students." Teacher said,

"Material interests are necessarily the driving force for lives of the past, who are selfish. The world's people just live for and are driven by self-interest."

All of a sudden I knew. One of my fundamental attachments was that I wanted to give up small interests in the human world for bigger interests. I wanted to leave the Three Realms to avoid the suffering in human life and have more joy and fortune. I had noticed this before, but I treated it as the attachment of pursuing comfort. Actually, it was a hidden pursuit for self-interests: I could give up human skills, but only in exchange for the divine power of Buddha Fa, and I wanted to suffer loss and endure pain so that my virtue, the white substance in the other dimensions, would not be lost.

The dream made me realize that this kind of invisible thing could do more damage to our righteous thoughts. Such self-interests do not appear as money or some material items. Those monetary or material interests are easy to detect and therefore easy to get rid of. On the other hand, the wrong thoughts about the Fa's principles are difficult to recognize. For example, I had an attachment to "no pain no gain." Sometimes, when my xinxing was raised, I started to think I would probably have less pain during the sitting exercise, and I watched to see if my skin became prettier, or my white hair changed to black. All these thoughts were trying to gain something from Dafa. Sometimes I did not even have righteous thinking when doing the three things. When I was tired, I would think "however much you sacrifice is the amount you will gain" without a pure thought of hurrying up to save people. Because I had never focused on this problem, not only did I not eliminate this thought, but I also gave it opportunity and room to grow.

I started my cultivation to avoid the pain of living in the human world. At first I was not looking to get good things. After about a year of cultivation, I read many practitioners' articles on validating the Fa. They mentioned that Dafa enabled crippled people to walk, the blind to see, the mentally challenged to become smart, and those with deadly diseases to become healthy. Also, the wonderful scenes in other dimensions that practitioners saw in tranquility and their supernormal abilities stirred up my attachments of competition and greed. At first I did not wish strongly to have my diseases cured. It was not because I had a higher xinxing, but rather because I did not expect it to happen so easily. Seeing that other practitioners were healthy but not me, I gradually started wishing for things. I knew my diseases were due to my karma and I had to endure pain to pay them back. But I still wished that my pain would be lessened when my level raised up.

Falun Dafa is a dual cultivation of mind nature and longevity. Therefore, our bodies can undergo significant changes. Everyone can feel it in some way. Some practitioners may have some supernormal abilities, too, but those abilities are given to them to eliminate the evil during this historical period. Therefore, mentioning these supernormal abilities in practitioners' sharing is necessary, and their purpose is good.

On the other hand, this may disturb one's mind. And once it is disturbed, people might start pursuing such things. It was especially challenging for those practitioners who started cultivating the Fa after the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began persecuting Falun Gong in 1999. Because their personal cultivation was happening at the same time as the Fa validation, it was easier for them to lose their way if their cultivation was not solid. This kind of pursuit is not easy to see. For example, when seeing one's cheeks become rosy, a woman may start wondering whether her skin will become fairer, too. If her skin looks better, she may wonder if she will look younger; and when she looks younger, she will wonder if she will become more beautiful. If she can walk fast without any pain, she will start to think about being able to fly.

The same thing also happened to me in the Fa validation process. When calling people in China, I would think how great it would be if I could freeze the bad policemen or when I would have that grand compassion to melt away people's hostility. Even when I saw the clouds a little bit differently, I started wondering if the universe was about to change. When I saw a flash of light, I wondered whether it was a UFO. Even when I saw the plants in my yard, I would think maybe there were Udumbara flowers there, too.

All these thoughts were not just delusions. When they kept repeating, they amounted to a "pursuit." This material had taken root and grown in my daily life. Because it was hidden, I treated it as just "thoughts," "hopes," or "expectations." I did not eliminate them immediately. This attachment of pursuit then became stronger and stronger.

Continuing further, my next pursuit was to reach Consummation. That was my biggest attachment. Teacher told us the laws of the universe. He wanted us to know the true picture and the magnificence of the universe, but I viewed reaching Consummation as achieving a goal, still following some ingrained notion from the human world. This was just like Teacher said,

"Let's say there's somebody who has all the emotions and desires ordinary people do, and he's suddenly allowed to go up and be a Buddha. Think about it, could that happen? Chances are, he'd see how beautiful those Great Bodhisattvas are and start having indecent thoughts." (Lecture One, "Why Doing Cultivation Exercises Doesn't Increase Gong," Zhuan Falun)

Thus I unintentionally treated Dafa as a Fa with a purpose. Some people build bridges or construct roads to accumulate virtue. Maybe that person is compassionate, but his intention is not pure. Though I knew that a cultivator can only reach a higher level by cultivating and not through pursuit, and I also tried to cultivate my xinxing on the surface, I still had some hidden thoughts about pursuing my goals. This was cultivating with conditions. A true cultivator only thinks that a good being should just do this and live this way. He should not care about gains or losses in the human world, and he should be benevolent to all beings. He should assimilate to the universe's characteristics: Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance; and he should live by a higher standard.

Teacher told us many times not to pursue things. Pursuit itself is a bad thing, an attachment to get rid of, but I had never really thought about it clearly. I thought that goals and pursuit were coupled together, and having a goal was the driving force. My thoughts were from the wrong basis, and it was a completely human mindset, as other practitioners pointed out to me. At a higher level, there is no concept of "pursuit" or a "driving force." All these are just attachments, linking with desire and self-interest. Just look at the Chinese character for "pursuit." It has the meaning of chasing and trying to obtain. That's why I sometimes became anxious and impetuous. I know that I was rushing for success, but I did not realize that I was pursuing reaching Consummation so strongly.

I just read Teacher's description of everyday people who pursue self-interest,

"But look, I'm going to tell you: don't admire him. You have no idea how exhausting his life is --he can't enjoy his food, he can't sleep well, and even in his dreams he's worrying about losing out. And when it comes to his own gain, he'll dig his heels in over even the most trivial things. Wouldn't you say his life is exhausting? He goes through his whole life just living for that." (Lecture Nine, "Enlightenment," Zhuan Falun).

Previously, I did not feel that the passage was related to me. But this time when I dug into the root of my thinking, I realized that I was just like that. When I could not maintain my xinxing, I would think I had lost virtue. When I failed badly, I would think that I had fallen down a level. Sometimes when I went to bed, I wished I would have a good dream. I felt that I was living for Consummation, but I did not realize that the reason for my coming to the human world was to help Teacher to rectify the Fa, validate the Fa, and to save sentient beings. Though I kept doing these things, I treated them like tasks to be completed. Actually if we cultivate ourselves well, then our mission will be completed and of course we'll return to where we came from.

Why did Teacher ask me to dig into the root? Teacher said

"In religious cultivation in the past, Buddhists taught Emptiness--not thinking about anything, and entering the Gate of Emptiness. And Daoists taught Nothingness--having nothing, wanting nothing, and seeking nothing. Cultivators used to talk about, 'Putting the mind on practicing, not putting the mind on getting gong.' So you cultivate in a state of nonaction and just focus on cultivating your character, then you'll be making breakthroughs in your level, and you'll definitely have whatever you should. If you can't let go of something, isn't that an attachment?" (Lecture Three, "Wanting to Get Things," Zhuan Falun)

Because this is the basis for cultivation, we must pursue nothing and cultivate in a state of nonaction. If the basis is wrong, then one's entire cultivation is in trouble. Just like in my dream, I had used the wrong materials to build my house, and it would impact my entire cultivation.

Because my basis was not pure, I often had the attachments of pursuing Consummation, pursuing returning to my original and true self, pursuing compassion, and pursing becoming tranquil. But the result was what Teacher said

"How they busy themselves, building temples, worshiping, Knowing not their acts are all for naught" ("Acting with Intent," Hong Yin).

All these delusions and attachments of pursuit are from long-term selfish, self-centered notions. It is a very serious problem. I am digging them out today to completely disintegrate them. I also hope that other practitioners who have the same attachments will do the same.