(Clearwisdom.net)
I began to practice Falun Dafa at the end of 1997, but I failed to clearly understand the Fa. After July 20, 1999 when the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began to persecute Falun Dafa, the leaders and the Party Secretary of my work place often tried to pressure me and my husband to give up practicing Falun Dafa. Since I failed to study the Fa well and did not have strong righteous thoughts, I slacked off in my cultivation. Originally, I planned to clarify the truth on the Internet, but instead I used the computer to play games. I also could not extricate myself from qing (sentimentality). The old forces utilized these weaknesses to persecute me. Though I recognized the danger, I still failed to break through by understanding the Fa. On the contrary, I tried to rely on human thinking and actions. As a result, I sank deeper and deeper into trouble. I felt miserable and hated myself. At the time, I even thought that there was no reason for me to live, and hoped that I could contract some kind of deadly disease and die. At the beginning of 2007, I began to experience symptoms of sickness. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer, which had already progressed to the middle stages, and I underwent surgery. Only after my operation did I begin to think calmly and rationally. If I died, where would I go? At what level would I be positioned? Hadn't I come to this world to learn the Fa? Should I really forget about Dafa and miss this opportunity of all ages? Moreover, my friends and relatives knew that I had practiced Falun Dafa. How would I redeem their negative opinions concerning Falun Dafa that my state must have caused?
I began to study the Fa diligently and rectified my behavior and thinking. Teacher said,
"In such cases there are only two choices: You either go to the hospital and thus give up on trying to overcome the test, or you completely let go of everything, behave like an upstanding and noble Dafa disciple who has no resentment or attachments, and leave it to Master to arrange whether you stay or go. When you are able to do that, you are a god. " ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles")
I went to my knees in front of Teacher's portrait and said, "Teacher, I was wrong! Please give me another opportunity. I came to this world not to live an everyday person's life, but to assimilate to Dafa. I must not give up passing that test. If I do that again, it will mean that I have abandoned my cultivation. From this moment on, I want to give all I have to Teacher. Even if I only have one day left to live, I will listen to what Teacher has said and follow Teacher. This is my only choice. Teacher, I don't want to lose this opportunity of the ages and I want to return home with Teacher!" (At the time my xinxing was based on the word "I", which appeared in every sentence.)
After returning to the cultivation of Falun Dafa, I studied the Fa, did the exercises, sent forth righteous thoughts and did the three things with all my heart. My righteous thoughts got stronger with each passing day. I looked inward and found that my understanding of the Fa was still at the perceptual level. I failed to enlighten to the more profound, advanced principles and deeper meanings of Dafa, as well as to the seriousness of cultivation. If we cling to distorted notions and attachments, and don't want to let them go, we will be aligned with the arrangements of the old forces, which take advantage of our loopholes. Therefore, I must utilize Dafa to rectify every thought in my daily life. Only by doing this could I thoroughly negate the arrangements of the old forces. At the same time, I began to redeem the negative influences that I brought to Falun Dafa. I wrote a statement quitting the CCP and delivered it to the Party organization. My statement and conversations with acquaintances included many examples, including how I returned to physical health, how my moral standards were upgraded, and how my family became more harmonious after I began practicing Falun Gong. I was forced to quit the cultivation of Falun Gong due to various reasons after July 20, 1999. I had experienced the wonders of Falun Dafa in healing, and if I had persisted in practicing Falun Gong, I would not have contracted any illness.
One month after my operation, the doctors found that the cancer cells shifted, and they requested that I undergo courses of chemical and radiotherapy treatments. My husband asked me to go to the hospital to receive the treatments. He is not a practitioner, and under the extended persecution of Falun Dafa, he adopted the attitude that I could not mention Falun Dafa in front of him. In the past when I clarified the facts to him or spoke about the "three withdrawals" (withdrawing from the CCP, the Youth League and the Young Pioneers), he refused to listen and became highly agitated. Now I understand that this reaction was due to my not being righteous and unable to rectify my own energy field. How could I expect to save sentient beings like that? Right now we are in the Fa-rectification period, and practitioners are trying hard to save sentient beings. My husband is one of those sentient beings, so he also needs to be saved. Whether or not things around me can be rectified depends upon the level of my xinxing. Only by firmly believing in Teacher and the Fa, gradually improving myself in understanding the Fa, and having righteous thoughts and righteous actions, can I rectify everything around me. I certainly can do it.
I did not refuse my husband's request to go to the hospital, but I kept strong righteous thoughts. That day in the hospital, my husband went to see the doctor while I sat in the car waiting. I thought that I had not lived up to the expectations of Teacher's compassionate salvation, nor to those of the sentient beings of my own world. I felt extremely sad, and tears kept falling down my face. Just then my husband came back, but he didn't say a word upon witnessing the scene. Afterwards he said to me, "Since you contracted the illness, I've never seen you cry, not even one tear. You are always happy when dealing with anyone around you, as if nothing has happened to you. You do the household chores as usual. You look so strong, and the doctors, nurses, patients as well as our relatives and your colleagues all admire you. Now, at a time when you are undergoing treatment, you shed tears. I am very much shocked."
Our cultivation depends upon our own efforts while the transformation of gong is done by Teacher. Dafa's power manifested itself on me. My examination showed that my hemogram failed to reach the standards required for chemical and radio therapies. My relatives opposed these therapies, and my husband's relatives also raised the same issue, asking him to respect my decision. I explained to my husband on the level that he could understand, the real source of illness, and the mechanism of cultivation in healing the illness. He listened attentively. That day, my husband suddenly held me, choked with tears. He said, "I am scared. I regret very much that at that time I did not support your practice of Falun Gong. You were in very good health. I believe that Falun Gong will help you to cure your illness. Now if anyone says that Falun Gong is not good, I will not accept it."
Thereafter, my husband seemed to have changed into a new person, and provided me with the best possible environment for my cultivation. He often reminds me to send forth righteous thoughts, and also began to help me with housework. When I clarified the truth to him, he would listen calmly. Sometimes he would ask me about my cultivation, and questions that puzzled him. He often browsed websites banned inside China to learn the truth, using software that can bypass China's information screening firewall. He quit the CCP and cooperated with me to help a relative who had been seriously corrupted by the CCP to quit the party.
My mother is 80 years old. After July 20, 1999, she also slacked off in her cultivation and indulged in playing Mahjong and taking health products. She was also keen on promoting the health products for her relatives. She acted like an everyday person rather than a practitioner. I gave her a stern warning, citing cases of practitioners who had not done well. We now study the Fa, practice the exercises, send forth righteous thoughts and clarify the truth together. My mother is quite diligent now. Some fellow practitioners said, "It must not be easy for people at your age to go out to clarify the truth everyday." My mother replied, "Does age really matter on the path of cultivation?"
I saw the power of the Fa and Teacher's compassionate salvation. Now, especially after watching the "Fa Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners" DVD, I understood the importance of looking inward. In clarifying the truth, my fear, attachments of competing and showing off, as well as self-verification all came to the surface. I haven't had any breakthroughs in clarifying the truth to strangers and still have a lot of attachments to remove. Although I feel that I do not have enough time and sleep very little, I still feel calm, fulfilled, and experience the joy of cultivation.
In passing this test of sickness karma, I understood that I must firmly believe in Teacher and the Fa. During the Fa-rectification period, the cultivation of practitioners is mainly directed towards saving sentient beings. Any serious sickness karma or tests which occur during this period are not arranged by Teacher, but are the result of those things we failed to do well and exploited by the old forces. We can completely negate the arrangements of the old forces only by steadfastly believing in Teacher and the Fa, earnestly studying the Fa, identifying our fundamental attachments and being determined to let go of them. I also understood that to cherish Dafa is to cherish our lives. This is only a description using human language, even though the comparison is not respectful to Dafa. How can a human life be compared with the Fa? We are so small, while Dafa is the fundamental source of all lives in the cosmos and firmaments. All the practitioners must respect Teacher and the Fa, resolutely safeguard the Fa, validate the Fa and not damage the Fa. Some practitioners have experienced serious sickness karma and did not pay enough attention to their actions. This caused misunderstandings or even resentment of Dafa among their relatives and colleagues. As a result, these people are now more difficult to save. Some practitioners who experienced severe sickness karma did not know to cherish the Fa; they scattered Falun Dafa books and articles and even mixed them with other household items. These practitioners do not know that they need to look inward in order to let go of their attachments, which resulted in bringing about negative effects. Some practitioners at the surface level were still clarifying the truth, but everyday people could not understand what they were saying. This is in essence damaging Dafa unintentionally, and it is distressing to see this. From the Minghui/Clearwisdom website, I learned that some everyday people know to cherish the Fa and not to discredit Dafa, let alone practitioners.
I read sharing articles from fellow practitioners daily, and I feel that they are doing well. They are doing a good job with their understanding of the Fa principles. They indeed have righteous thoughts and righteous actions. Articles like these help me immensely. During the process of writing this article, some of my attachments that need to be removed came to the surface. This included a sensitivity to my reputation, being afraid to deal with attachments I felt ashamed of, and being afraid that fellow practitioners might look down at me. I am determined to let go of all these attachments.
Please kindly help me to understand any shortcomings that I may have.
