Overcoming Attachments of Depending on Others and Fear
At the current Fa-Rectification stage, many practitioners have written experience-sharing articles and emphasized the importance of seizing this time to save people. But I did not always have a feeling of urgency. Sometimes I would have a feeling of urgency in my heart, but after a while I would go back to the old status. I did not cherish this time. I spent a lot of time sleeping, could not concentrate during Fa-study, did not pay attention to sending forth righteous thoughts, did not have a calm mind, and did very little truth-clarification work. I frequently dreamed that I was in a very dirty place and the place surrounding me was dark and dim. I saw that some practitioners could persuade thousands of people to quit the CCP, but I did not have a feeling about the importance of this and did not have the merciful attitude to save people. I persuaded only a very few people to quit the CCP, and I hadn't persuaded any people to quit the CCP for a long time. Recently I was very dissatisfied with my Dafa coordinator, and I nearly had a complete break with her. But compassionate Teacher did not give up on me. He always gives me hints, gives me chances, and uses fellow practitioner's words to remind me. With the help of practitioners, I looked inward and found my attachments of depending on others and fear, which had existed for a long time and had been used and magnified by the evil. This had caused my resentment toward fellow practitioners.
I participated in producing the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party and other truth-clarifying materials. But the materials were all distributed by other practitioners. I never distributed them myself because of fear. But I considered my work of making the materials to be my involvement in truth-clarifying work. Later for some reason, the coordinator did not have me produce Nine Commentaries anymore and did not often ask me to produce any truth-clarifying materials. At that moment, I did not look inward. Instead, I thought the practitioners were so selfish that they wanted to do more of the work in order to save more people to consummate their own world. What a dirty thought!
The coordinator asked me to clarify the truth in my local community. The community where I live does not have many practitioners, and the CCP also strictly monitors the community. Many people in the community knew that I practiced Falun Gong, as I was once persecuted by the CCP. But because of my fear, I did not distribute truth-clarifying materials to my local community. I only clarified the truth face-to-face to a few people, and sometimes I did not talk about the facts directly. I persuaded only a very few people to quit the CCP, and some other practitioners occasionally distributed truth-clarifying materials in my community. At this time, many people in the community had only heard the name Falun Gong and knew that Falun Gong was persecuted by the CCP. But they do not have any idea about what kind of group the Falun Gong practitioners are, and they do not know about quitting the CCP. Because of my attachments of depending on others, fear, and lack of compassion, I could not take the initiative to clarify the truth to my local community. I just depended on others and hoped other practitioners could take over for a while and help me to get rid of my attachment of fear.
I thought that I could first go to some place a little farther away to distribute truth-clarifying materials. Then after my fear was gradually diminished, I could start to distribute the materials in my local community. I told the coordinator that I wanted to distribute the materials at a place farther away with other practitioners. But the coordinator rejected this, saying, "I don't think that will be necessary. You haven't clarified the truth well right here. Why bother to go somewhere else?" I was shocked and did not know what to do. The coordinator did not let me distribute the materials at a far away place since I had the fear of distributing truth-clarifying materials in my local community. And the practitioners did not let me produce the truth-clarifying materials very often. So I did not have anything to do and did almost nothing for a few months.
The evil used my attachments of depending on others and fear to gradually separate me from other practitioners. At that time I did not look inward and did not realize that I needed to get rid of my attachments as soon as possible. I started to resent the coordinator. I thought she always wanted me to do something I was not capable of. I also thought that she was trying to get more merit for herself. I complained about the coordinator in my heart and felt more and more dissatisfied with her. I thought all she asked me to do was labor-intensive and time-consuming work which could not save people directly. But I did not realize my attachments were huge and were even amplified by the evil to generate additional attachments such as resentment. I did not want to work with the coordinator anymore. But compassionate Teacher still did not give up on me.
Then some practitioners said to me, "The coordinator is also a practitioner. If she does not let you to distribute the materials at other places, will you just give up? If you can gradually make progress, then you should do it as long as your intention is to save people. Please do not resent others or depend on others. Why do you have to depend on the coordinator? There are still some places that haven't been reached with truth-clarifying materials. You can just gradually cover those areas." The practitioners were right. Why did I depend on the coordinator? Why did I resent the coordinator when her arrangement did not satisfy me? Why did I have fear about distributing truth-clarifying materials in my local community?
So with these practitioners' help, I started to gradually distribute truth-clarifying materials. The first time I just put up some posters. The second time I just distributed a few materials. The third time I decided to distribute more and prepared more than 20 sets of truth-clarifying materials. It rained that day, and it was cold. Before I went out, I felt stomach pain. In the past, I always thought that as long as I felt cold I would have diarrhea. But this time I made up my mind and went out. I sent forth righteous thoughts, and I also asked Teacher to help me. When I put truth-clarifying material on the front door of a house, I saw a bright golden light flash by. I believed Teacher was encouraging me. When I distributed all the materials and went back home, my clothes and shoes were all wet. But I did not have a feeling of upset stomach anymore. Teacher always protected me. My fear was gradually diminished. Later during an experience sharing, the coordinator did not indicate at all that she would restrain me from distributing truth-clarifying materials in other places. My attachments of depending on others and fear had wasted a lot of time.
Right now I understand that any of our attachments will be used and amplified by the evil to restrain us from doing the three things well. When I prepared to write this experience sharing, I held resentment toward some practitioners again because of some other things. I still had the attachment of depending on others. I always wished other practitioners could help me to get rid of some tribulations. But those tribulations are just what I should understand and break through. Moreover, the attachment of depending on others will also amplify the tribulation.
I hope that practitioners who have attachments similar to mine will not always depend on others. Please get rid of the attachment of fear as soon as possible. Please hurry up and take actions to save people.
September 9, 2008