(Clearwisdom.net) For a long time my physical health was under attack and the surface manifestation became really bad. I struggled but couldn't find the problem. My practice was in jeopardy.
In April 2007, I went back home after many years of being destitute. I broke through a lot of interference; however, some practitioners thought that it wasn't safe for me to go home. They spread the word that other practitioners shouldn't contact me and so on. Except for one person, almost all the practitioners I used to have contact with stopped seeing me. I was expelled from the group.
I felt angry and my attachment of hatred arose, but I tried not to let it show. My physical health became worse during this time. I had a fever every several days, and my wound enlarged. I kept on studying the Fa and looking inward. Sometimes I did find a few problems, but I always felt that they weren't the fundamental problem. For a long time I was lost. I also had a strong attachment. When I found that practitioners didn't want to have contact with me, I would not seek them out. The thought "don't see her" continued to be in my mind. Hence, I shut myself off from other practitioners. I told myself I had Teacher and the Fa, and it was not a big deal that other practitioners wouldn't talk to me. I could practice alone as long as I did the three things.
I was dragging myself around and my wound hurt. Every day I went out to clarify the truth, studied the Fa, and sent righteous thoughts when I returned home. I realized some Fa principals and eliminated a few attachments. However, I wasn't feeling clearheaded and my mind wasn't wide open like it used to be. I felt depressed and I knew something was seriously blocking me. I thought of a practitioner whom I hadn't contacted for several years. I wanted to talk to him, so I called him up. He gladly told me he would come to my house at 7 a.m. He didn't come until 8 p.m. When he saw me, he immediately told me he almost hadn't made it to my house that day. He felt so sleepy after he got off work that he couldn't get up! Nothing like that had ever happened to him before. He wasn't going to come but then he realized it was the evil trying to stop him from seeing me. He made up his mind that he was definitely going to see me. I was awakened by what he said. The evil was keeping practitioners from each other! The old forces used another practitioner's attachment to isolate me from him. For a practitioner without that attachment, the evil did its best to stop him from contacting me. I suddenly remembered something that had happened before. The only practitioner who maintained contact with me once came to my house to take care of me for two nights because I had a fever. During those two nights, there manifested something that looked like me and it tried to choke her. She was scared and screamed. This made her not want to see me anymore. I suddenly became clear minded that the evil wanted to totally isolate me and destroy me. I would NOT let that happen!
Quickly, I forgave those practitioners who had isolated me and was not angry anymore because I clearly saw how the evil had used practitioners' attachments to isolate us and try to destroy us one by one. I couldn't be angry at the practitioners who did not know what had happened. Instead, I would eliminate the evil. My mind became tranquil.
The evil didn't stop persecuting me. Twice, my life was in danger. One time I called a practitioner and told her what had happened to me and what I had enlightened to. She told me it was correct that I had let go of my attachment of being angry, but since we practice compassion, I should also talk to the other practitioners and let them see their attachments as well. I refused to do that and thought that the others would see their attachments when they were ready. In fact, I was not being responsible for others and was thinking only about my own improvement. Thus, I continued to do the three things and did not have much contact with other practitioners. The idea of one body became vague. I felt at ease at the time. My improvement was based on personal cultivation.
Several days ago I had a dream that I remember clearly. Looking in a mirror I saw piles of nits (lice eggs) in my hair. I flipped my hair up and found there were many lice. There were so many of them sticking to my hair that they formed a thick shell. I was disgusted and immediately picked up a brush to brush the lice away. I heard them falling to the ground. After I woke up, I looked at the dream on the surface and thought that I needed to eliminate a lot of bad thoughts. The next day I had a fever again and it got so bad my arm pits and shoulders became swollen. I also got very angry with my brother and other practitioners for ignoring me. I felt sorry for myself and all I could think was that I should just die so I wouldn't be a burden to others. I began thinking that I was a burden to my family because I was always sick, I was a burden to other practitioners and brought them trouble, and I was a burden to Teacher and made Teacher worry about me. I really wanted to die and end it all. I kept crying. As I cried and cried, I realized that something was wrong. None of the thoughts were mine! How could I go along with them and acknowledge them? That was what the evil wanted. I negated those thoughts.
At night I lay on the couch and closed my eyes. A thought arose, "Let me die to shock other practitioners and let them realize that they have problems and regret how they have treated me." Immediately I was shocked by these thoughts. I couldn't believe the evil did this! I started to firmly negate and eliminate all the bad thoughts I had and continued sending righteous thoughts throughout the night. The next day my wound still hurt. I continued to clear my thoughts, send righteous thoughts, and study the Fa. On the the third day I was still running a fever. I looked at the problem from another perspective. Only I realized what the evil was doing and only I was working on eliminating the evil. Other practitioners still hadn't realized the problem. So many practitioners had the attachment of not trusting some of their fellow practitioners that it formed a big gap for the evil to exploit and use to isolate us. Besides, in our area, practitioners generally form small groups of eight to ten people. One group was usually indifferent to what happened to another group. Hence, we often heard practitioners say things like, "Let's not go to this one's house or that one's house."
Also, when other practitioners were persecuted, some practitioners were reluctant to lend a hand, and some made comments that were not based on the Fa, condemning and excluding others. Practitioners often fell into the trap of criticizing others. When a practitioner proposed to send righteous thoughts to help those who were imprisoned, some practitioners were willing to help, but not all. They based their willingness to help imprisoned practitioners on personal preferences. They couldn't harmonize as one body. All these thoughts gave the old forces excuses to exploit our gaps. I didn't want to criticize other practitioners. I wanted to expose the evil and let everyone see clearly the situation so we could eliminate the evil. Now I realize that this was a big gap held by all of the practitioners and not just me. That was why my physical body was still being persecuted even though my mind was negating the evil. At the same time I realized that the dream was telling me that my mind was full of selfishness because I wouldn't tell others what I had enlightened to. My excuse was that I was "letting them walk their own paths." I had isolated myself from the whole body. No wonder I had felt depressed whenever I enlightened to a Fa principal or eliminated an attachment. I was practicing out of selfishness and had deviated from the Fa. I couldn't reach the standard required by the Fa; hence, the evil didn't stop persecuting me.
Since I saw that the evils were exploiting the whole body's gap and trying to separate practitioners, I decided to expose it and let all the practitioners see it and eliminate it. It was time to let go of self and jump out of the circle of selfishness, to open up, and to go back to the one body. I must protect the Fa by not allowing the evil to persecute practitioners and cause losses to the Fa. I must truly validate the beauty and the miracle of the Fa and hence save more sentient beings. My thoughts stopped there. I jumped out of bed, picked up Zhuan Falun and held it up. I thanked Teacher and promised Teacher that I would write down what I went through and put it on the Web to expose the evil and let practitioners see what had happened so that they could eliminate the evil. I said, "I will not allow the evil to isolate practitioners. I will do what I have to do so that my local area can form a flawless strong single body." Then I opened Zhuan Falun to page 61. The Fa on that page made me understand what compassion is. "Compassion" hit my heart and showed me the Fa principle of a higher level. I hadn't felt like that for a long time! At that moment my fever became worse. I knew the evil was struggling before its death. I didn't mind the fever. In less than two minutes, the fever withdrew like a fog slowly dissipating, and I felt energized.
Before I started writing, a thought frequently came to mind: "Don't write. What if your enlightenment isn't true and your physical situation gets worse again? You are going to look bad." I know the evil was interfering because it didn't want to be exposed. I told the evil it was definitely going down! I could clearly see how the evil was separating practitioners and I had to expose it. I had a good night's sleep and in the morning noticed the redness around my wound was gone. My thoughts were clear and I picked up a pen to expose the evil without hesitating.
My fellow practitioners, we are all Teacher's students, and we must not exclude or distrust each other. We shouldn't leave gaps for the old forces to trouble fellow practitioners and bring losses to the Fa. All practitioners should be able to communicate sincerely. No matter what happens, we should support each other with righteous thoughts. We should let go of self and not become like everyday people. Once our thoughts and actions form one body, the evil will be gone, and we won't have to worry about whose place is safe and whose is not.
Please point out any incorrect understandings
