(Clearwisdom.net)
Because I was attached to the qing between husband and wife, I was affected for a long time before I woke up.
My husband and I met each other through practicing Falun Gong, and we had both practiced Falun Dafa for many years before our marriage. At that time, I felt delighted that I was able to conform to everyday people's conditions, but was also able to exchange views with my husband, and we helped each other in practicing Falun Gong and validating Dafa. In regards to our daily life, I thought it would be pretty much the same; as a practitioner, as long as one practices well, his or her shortcomings can be improved. I did not consider attachments behind these thoughts as big issues, and felt that anyway, getting married is also a matter in everyday society. For example, my husband talks very little and is not good at speaking intimately. I thought that he would slowly come to understand me more. However, practice is serious, and indulging any attachment may allow the evil to take advantage, but I have indulged this attachment to emotion for nearly three years.
After marriage, our life was very simple. Later we had a child and had to face some matters that we had never come across. There were elderly and young ones to look after in the family, and many things to consider. My husband speaks little, and I always felt he did not show consideration for me. I got angry and complained to him, but it was useless. When I talked too much, he simply replied in one sentence, "Look inward." But I did not see him finding anything from looking inward. My resentment grew, and I regarded it as his problem. I also knew I had an attachment but did not think it was the key and continued to ignore it.
Teacher said in the article, "Realms,"
"A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion. With no discontentment or hatred, he takes hardship as joy." (Essentials for Further Advancement)
I could not concentrate when I studied the Fa and I knew I was unqualified as a benevolent person due to my resentment. I knew that time was now so precious--I should not spend energy on these matters and feel confused. However, I looked outward all along and even found excuses for myself. Teacher said,
"In ancient China--in the entire world, actually, as Western society was the same--men knew how to treat their wives, and were considerate and cared for their wives; and wives also knew to be considerate of their husbands--that was the way yin and yang coexisted." (Lectures in the United States)
I thought as long as he could be more considerate, even say more pleasant words, care for me more, then it would be easy. Even ordinary people know how to do such simple things, how could I make him understand? When my mindset was slightly better, I thought it was probably caused by his character. A wife should also care for her husband, so I showed him some articles about husband and wife relationships written by everyday people, but he said he did not have time to read them.
When my state was not good, all the messed-up thoughts emerged. For a while I felt he did not want to live with me, and I became more and more angry. For a while I told myself to let it go, not to lower myself to his level, and ignored him. For a while I thought I probably owed him from a previous life. Eventually I saw this as a grievance, and I wondered why he treated me like this. Then another thought emerged: "This person treats me sincerely. He is not bad to me because he treats everyone like that, and is not especially unkind to me." After I had this thought, I was very embarrassed, because clearly this was an attachment of emotion. This is so selfish, and is exactly (the kind of notion) that needs to be abandoned. However, my heart still was not at ease. I still expected him to be a bit better towards me. If he was, then there would not be a conflict. Why couldn't he improve just a bit? Anyway, there will still be a bit of qing, since we practice in everyday society. Because I still wanted a human life, my mind fell to the level of an average person, and I sought a solution on a human level. I looked outwards, and the more I looked outwards, the more aggravated I felt. It was useless. I was disturbed by human notions, as if I was being pulled, dragged and towed by a certain substance. I had to exert great effort to calm myself down when studying the Fa.
I also complained to him, hoping this would help him to straighten out. Again my husband changed the topic and asked me if I had been studying the Fa well recently. When was the last time I systematically read through nine lectures of Zhuan Falun? I realized the seriousness of this issue and had regarded it as a trouble all along, but I did not truly relate it to my Fa study and practice. Moreover, this mental state actually affected my Fa study. Therefore, I was reluctant to admit mistakes and disregarded what he was saying. I decided to leave him alone and study the Fa first.
After I read two lectures with deep concentration, I confirmed that this condition had lasted for a long time. It was my tribulation, so what should I do?
A day later, suddenly a thought emerged during my Fa study: "I must want those feelings, but I can't obtain them, so isn't this suggesting that I should improve myself? This is a matter for my cultivation, so why do I also blame him? What should I do, let the attachment go? What else could I do?" Alas.
The discontentment in my heart lasted for a long time and then suddenly disappeared. At that moment, I saw the line of the characters that I had just read flashing through as blood droplets. I was deeply grieved and burst into tears. I do not know how much painstaking effort Teacher has put forth because of this attachment of mine--the price was too high. After nearly three years, I was able to change this notion. I did not know how to recognize the visible and invisible losses caused by wasted energy and time, because I was in the maze and not able to enlighten and see how large my attachments had become. No matter how regretful I am, there is no way to make up for my failings. Qing was not originally in my life, since the place that I came from does not have such a thing--why should I want it? I seemed to understand it quite well when I talked about it previously. However, when I encountered it, I could not let it go because I had delayed confronting it for so long. I indeed did not make a good showing and disappointed Teacher.
The following day, my husband called. We hadn't spoken for a long time. He talked about his recent situation and asked about my situation. I knew that what I truly lost were actually bad attachments.
Several days later, I again read Teacher's Lectures in the United States:
"In ancient China--in the entire world, actually, as Western society was the same--men knew how to treat their wives, and were considerate and cared for their wives; and wives also knew to be considerate of their husbands--that was the way yin and yang coexisted."
I suddenly understood that this description of the relationship between husband and wife in ancient times occurred during a time in society when morality was generally good. That form and state of yin and yang coexisting is not attainable by modern people, who put undue emphasis on their own feelings due to selfishness.
"But honest and kind were the ancients, Calm and balanced, fortune and longevity were their lot." ("Casting off Attachments" from Hong Yin, version A)
Only when people reach that realm can they experience that state. However, as a practitioner, we are not pursuing happiness in the human world, but improvement of xinxing. We shall not use the Fa to make requests of others. While we may take emotions lightly in our family, what should manifest is being more considerate of others.
Afterwards there were a few small relapses when the feelings of aggravation emerged. I instantly realized that qing had again reared its head, and I must get rid of it and not be moved too much by it. I know it is not easy to completely abandon qing, but because I turned around my notions, step by step, it will not be so difficult.
This is my limited enlightenment. Please point out any mistakes.
