An Attachment to Fame Brought Obstacles in My Cultivation
(Clearwisdom.net) I am a veteran practitioner. When I first started to practice Falun Gong in 1999, I only knew that Falun Gong was good, but I didn't know that it was a cultivation way. Only after I studied the Fa did I realize that I could cultivate upward as long as I studied Zhuan Falun, and that I could return to my original self. As soon as I realized that this was a profound, high level Fa, I devoted myself to the practice wholeheartedly. I studied the Fa and memorized the Fa. I was no longer interested in everyday people's things and wasn't even interested in work. I went to another extreme. I was ready to help others even before I practiced Falun Gong. I often helped the assistants to do some work at the practice site. Later on when more people joined the practice, we established another practice site. I was asked to be the assistant. Before the persecution started, the assistant's work was to organize the exercises in the morning and organize the Fa study group in the evening. During the day, practitioners went to work. I was conscious of self image when I was an everyday person and was quick and eager to work for others. Every day I was busy and felt that I was living a full life. I heard a lot of compliments from others. I had a lot of attachments and also had an attachment to doing lots of things. Those attachments were hidden deeply inside me, but I didn't realize them.
After the persecution started in 1999, I went to Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong several times. I was arrested and detained in the forced labor camp several times. Though I hadn't been "transformed", my attachments became more and more severe, but I didn't realize them. Fellow practitioners once pointed them out to me. Due to my strong attachments, I didn't even listen. Even worse was that I didn't want to see those practitioners who criticized me. I often reminded myself to look inward, but due to attachments, I didn't make efforts to dig out the roots of my attachments. In my subconsciousness, I always felt that I did more work than others and was more capable. I could do what others couldn't. I did a lot of things ahead of others. Whenever I heard some compliments from people, I felt that they were praising me. Whenever I heard criticism, I felt that they were criticizing other people, not me. These attachments became stronger and stronger. My righteous thoughts were not strong. When I sent forth righteous thoughts, most of the time I couldn't hold my palm upright. The evil then took advantage of my loopholes again. I was again arrested and detained in a forced labor camp for one year.
During my detention in the forced labor camp, because of my attachments, I didn't look inward. Instead, I complained a lot. I complained that I hadn't paid attention to the security measures and complained about the long-lasting persecution. I treated cultivation as an everyday matter. I didn't want to bear the suffering and in my heart, I kind of unintentionally compromised with the evil. I was thinking in my mind that the reason the evil still persecuted me was that I didn't want to cultivate to too high a level. The evil used other people's words to strengthen the attachments I was unable to get rid of. Other practitioners were saying that I was doing well in cultivation. (Because I didn't cooperate with the evil during several instances, they thought I'd cultivated very well.) Thus I was not balanced in my heart. I complained even more. The evil put these words into my mind: "How come you're still in the forced labor camp when you've cultivated very well?" In the dark den, because I didn't have strong righteous thoughts, the thought karma immediately came up as soon as I recited the Fa. I felt horrible and couldn't live well. Sometimes I felt it was unfair. I realized that there was still a little bit left in my cultivation to break through, but I just couldn't successfully make it.
After I was released from the forced labor camp, because I hadn't gotten rid of my fundamental attachments, I generated even worse attachments. I thought I was sent to the forced labor camp because I didn't do well. I didn't want to see other practitioners. This kind of attachment existed among those practitioners who had been detained in recent years. Practitioners saw me and worried about me. (Actually it was Master who worried about me.) Practitioners kept helping me study the Fa, send forth righteous thoughts and look inward. Here I express my thanks to those practitioners and even overseas practitioners who continue helping me. Every time I was persecuted, almost all Falun Dafa practitioners worldwide helped me and sent forth righteous thoughts for me and I could feel it. So even though I still had fundamental attachments, I didn't cooperate with the evil. After I looked within myself, practitioners pointed out to me that it was because of the heart of seeking a good name and fame that I didn't want to see other practitioners. This touched my heart. Master said: "Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa." ( "Cultivators' Avoidances" from Essentials for Further Advancement) At that moment, I realized how dangerous it was that my fundamental attachments had not been cultivated away after so many years of cultivation. This was a strong human heart. Ordinary people could do Dafa work as well. But I was a cultivator. If I didn't follow Master's requirements, didn't I damage the Fa and mislead ordinary people? This was an attachment that a cultivator must get rid of. Through Fa study, I found many other attachments such as the attachment of doing things, the show off mentality, competitiveness, jealousy, not trusting other practitioners, fear, etc. And there was the fundamental issue: my faith in Master and the Fa.
Through Fa study, I now know better the seriousness of cultivation and the difficulty of obtaining the Fa. From now on I will be more strict with myself and I'll conduct myself according to the Fa. I will try to get rid of all the substances of selfishness that come from the old cosmos. I'll try to assimilate to the new Cosmos. Though I haven't achieved that, I believe that I will through Fa study and with Master's help.