(Clearwisdom.net) It had been a long time since I participated in group exercises. Sometimes when the alarm sounded, I just turned it off, thinking I was still sleepy, and it could wait for five minutes. But one hour passed, then several hours passed. So I finally gave up trying to wake up and slept in. Or I would think that it was too cold outside, and I could do the exercises the next day. The next day was a repetition of the previous day. Something was wrong here. I knew that I must eliminate this laziness. But no more than two days later my attachment to ease and comfort emerged again.
Sometimes I really wanted to go out and do the exercises, but once I thought about the cultivation state of fellow practitioners on the site I felt very bad. When they did the exercise or sent forth righteous thoughts, their hands were lopsided. They looked drowsy; some even snored. I could see it and feel it, with or without my eyes open. I was deeply troubled by this and could not calm my mind to do the exercises or send forth righteous thoughts. That is when I stopped going and when things started to go wrong with me. I didn't even go to our weekly Fa study, because I thought nobody was in the correct state of mind for experience sharing as a whole. I had pointed out others' omissions, but I ended up feeling that I had been unfairly treated. I thought this person not a genuine practitioner or that person was too attached to something.
Then my small alarm clock stopped working. Changing the battery did not fix it. I realized that something was wrong with me. This had happened before. In the past, after looking within, the alarm clock always repaired itself. Only when I could not get the clock to work this time did I remember to look inside myself.
Finally, I found the reason to be my mentality of showing off. I always thought that I studied the Fa well and my enlightenment ability was good. No matter what I do, I've always put myself in the center and accused others of not reaching the standard, putting strict requirement on others, but not on myself. Actually, pointing out other's shortcomings is a good thing, but I was unable to be understanding or tolerant. When I pointed out others' attachments, my heart was not pure; the tone of my voice was unkind. Unconsciously, I was validating myself. Although I have realized this problem, when something came up I forgot about it. That ego started to become inflated.
Master said the following words:
"Right now, whether Dafa disciples are validating the Fa as a group or clarifying the truth as individuals, all of those are what Dafa requires. As long as Fa-rectification requires it, you should do it well, and there's no room for negotiation. And don't get conceited because of your roles, and don't think you're different from others. You're each a particle. And in my eyes nobody is better than anyone else, since I scooped all of you up at the same time. (Applause) Some are more capable when it comes to one thing, others with another--you definitely shouldn't let your thoughts run wild based on that. You say that you have such great abilities and so on and so forth, but that was all bestowed upon you by the Fa! Actually, it wouldn't work if you failed to attain that level of abilities." ("Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
After reading this Fa paragraph I was deeply ashamed. In the past I felt very good about myself. I could recite the Fa after I read it. I could even memorize all of Zhuan Falun. Technical things were easy for me after reading the instructions. I wrote well, too. I seemed to know what people's thoughts were and what they wanted to say before they said it. When others thought ill of me, I sometimes felt unjustly treated. But I still maintained a high opinion of myself and totally forgot that Master had arranged all of these for the purpose of cultivation! Although, on the surface I didn't show off my strong abilities, my words strongly reflected that unconscious mentality. I did not treasure, nor completely understand, how to use the abilities Master had given me to clarify the truth well, to completely eliminate all evil elements, and to know how to validate the Fa better. I was blinded by the show-off mentality, until I suddenly awakened.
"Whether it is your supernormal abilities or your Unlocking of Gong, you achieve them through practicing cultivation in Dafa. If you put Dafa in a secondary place and put your supernatural powers in the primary place, or as an enlightened person you believe that what you understand one way or another is correct, or if you even regard yourself as being great and beyond Dafa, I would say that you have already started to stumble. It would be dangerous and you would become ever worse." ("Lecture Six" in Zhuan Falun, March 2000 translation version)
In the past when I read or recited this part of the Fa I didn't think it had anything to do with me, because I believed that I didn't have supernormal abilities, nor had I reached complete enlightenment. Now I realize that it was an issue of disrespect for the Fa and Master. I found the root cause of my degeneration. I turned around at the brink of danger.
Looking back, it was scary that I was so deluded. When I went back to the practice site my mind was calm, and I felt joyful after looking inside! Once I let go of that ego mentality, that "me" became suddenly small, became very, very tiny! I will study the Fa more and study the Fa well.
This is only my current understanding. Heshi! Thank you!
