Breaking Through My Obstacle - Unwillingness to Study Zhuan Falun
(Clearwisdom.net) As the Fa-rectification process moves forward, I have acquired a better understanding of the Fa and my responsibility as a Falun Dafa practitioner. I have accomplished the three things Teacher asks us to do, especially clarifying the truth, as I work at a truth clarifying materials production site. Once while reading the book Zhuan Falun on a public bus, I was illegally arrested and detained in a brainwashing center for more than six months. Although I was not affected by any brainwashing techniques used by the 610 Office, and protested the persecution by clarifying the truth, I didn't understand why I had to suffer the persecution. I was able to understand the reason after leaving the brainwashing center with the help of strong righteous thoughts and help from my fellow practitioners. I enlightened to the understanding that I had been doing Dafa work and studying the Fa with strong human thoughts. I had not understood the Fa from the perspective of Dafa, but with human attachments. I also fostered my own attachment to fame and showing-off in the tide of Fa-rectification.
After I realized my problems, I felt very ashamed. Although I had cultivated for so long, I still had not really cultivated myself well. I felt that I was very diligent in my cultivation, however in reality, I didn't understand the importance of studying the Fa well, even though Teacher emphasizes this again and again. I usually experience interference when I study the Fa, especially when I study Zhuan Falun. It seemed impossible for me to focus on reading even one single paragraph. In an attempt to solve this problem, I even transcribed Zhuan Falun twice. While transcribing, my brain felt numb. To transcribe one sentence, I had to read that sentence again and again. Even after I finished transcribing, I still didn't have much understanding of the contents and my situation changed very little. I failed to treat this as thought karma and indulged it. For a long period of time I preferred to study Teacher's new lectures instead of Zhuan Falun. Although I felt I put my whole heart into cultivation after beginning to practice Falun Gong, I studied the Fa with human attachments. I didn't understand the Fa based on the Fa and studied with human attachments. I now realize that my fundamental attachment is seeking Dafa with human pursuit. This attachment was a deeply hidden obstacle that I did not see even after many years of cultivation. Since I lacked righteous thoughts regarding this attachment, I experienced interference, and cultivation was difficult.
I obtained the Fa in July 1997. When I was very young, I enjoyed looking at the night sky and listening to fairy tales. After I grew up, I liked to think about the true meaning of life. After I was introduced to Dafa, I felt that Dafa was in accord with my own personal pursuits and so I began to practice Falun Dafa. The "miracles" of Dafa gradually brought many of my family members into cultivation. We were studying the Fa, practicing the exercises, sharing cultivation experiences and promoting Falun Dafa together. Life was full of joy and my happiness could not be expressed with human language.
However, after the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began the inhuman persecution of Falun Gong in July 1999, I felt my heart ache. For the next three months I had great difficulty deciding what I should do, and then finally I went to Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong. As a result, I was illegally repatriated, detained, and monitored for a long time. I didn't understand why the government was doing this. At that time I did not have a deep understanding of Teacher and Dafa and could not think rationally. In those days, I felt I had no way to appeal for the injustice, and a single day felt like a whole year. I didn't want to eat or drink. Although I did not know exactly what I should do, I strongly felt I should do something. So, after successfully eliminating the monitoring by my work place and my family, I accompanied fellow practitioners on a walk to Beijing to appeal for Falun Gong again on February 28, 2000. We endured many hardships and shared our cultivation understandings with other practitioners we met along the way. Those coincidental encounters with other practitioners allowed me to feel Teacher's painstaking arrangements for us for the first time. During the journey I observed human society without emotion and let go of many human attachments. After walking for only eleven days we were stopped by the police and detained.
Although Dafa was rooted deeply in my heart, my understanding of the Fa largely remained at the level of human understanding and feeling. I couldn't understand many problems based on the Fa. In addition to neglecting Fa study during the persecution, I didn't cultivate myself well. I had human sentiment about Dafa and so I was often confused. The more I became attached to human feeling, the less I could concentrate on studying the Fa, and thus I could not break through the delusion. I tried to understand the Fa with my human attachments and so was off course in cultivation for a long time. I learned from fellow practitioners, but not from the Fa. I knew that many things I did and said didn't agree with the Fa, but I always looked for excuses from the Fa to hide my attachments. My health was getting poor also. I had been mistreating Teacher's great compassion.
I didn't wake up until I read Teacher's "Touring North America to Teach the Fa." Thereafter, I started thoroughly looking within. For the first time in my cultivation, I strongly recognized that the "self" I had formed in my life had been seriously blocking me from truly obtaining the Fa. This was also the first time I realized what a serious matter cultivation is.
After realizing that the "self" was the real thing blocking me from assimilating to the Fa, I started making changes from within. I started reciting Zhuan Falun. I sometimes felt my thoughts were not righteous. When the interference was very strong, I had to recite sentence by sentence. No matter how slow my reciting was, I never gave it up. Now I have recited Zhuan Falun twice and started on the third time. At last I broke through the blockage of not being willing to study Zhuan Falun, experienced the happiness of studying the Fa, and conformed to the requirements of the Fa. I had mistaken my human feeling toward Dafa as my steadfast belief in Dafa and my human unyielding character as righteous thought. I previously had not understood that only thoughts from the Fa are righteous thoughts.
After I really knew how to cultivate, my xinxing improved rapidly and my environment improved too. I gradually realized the feeling of Master's words, "The Buddha-light illuminates everywhere and rectifies all abnormalities." (Zhuan Falun) Now, I can do the three things with a much cleaner mind.
I repeatedly thought about why I had improved so slowly even after putting so much effort into my cultivation, and why the block toward Fa study was so substantial. The following is a summary of what I found out:
1.) I had not tried to understand the true meaning of the Fa from the bottom of my heart. I always compared myself with other practitioners around me and felt that I had very advanced education and was able to quickly understand the Fa. So I didn't give up this attachment to fame for such a long time. The fact that I had an advanced education did not mean I had better enlightenment quality. My ability to quickly understand the surface meaning of the Fa might actually have blocked me from realizing the true meaning of the Fa.
2.) Whenever I read the problems pointed out by Teacher in the lectures, I first told myself that I had or had almost reached the standard, but I didn't think that Teacher was pointing out that problem to me. I was not looking at what I haven't done well and trying my best to improve myself.
3.) I was strongly self-centered and did not always consider others first. Although I followed the Fa-rectification process, my basic understandings were not correct and caused some damage to Dafa.
Teacher has taught us:
"If every one of you can understand the Fa from the depths of your mind, that will truly be the manifestation of the Fa whose power knows no boundary-the reappearance of the mighty Buddha Fa in the human world!" ("Cautionary Advice" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Only when we conform to the Fa and give up selfishness can we take on the mission of a practitioner during the Fa-rectification period, save sentiment beings and cultivate ourselves more diligently.
"Xinci Yimeng" (provisional translation: "The heart is compassionate and the will is strong").