Cultivating Away a Selfish and Cold Heart
I have been unwilling to see my cold and numb heart. I am cold to my children most of the time. I have a special way of dealing with them, saying things like, "As your mother, I must teach you. The way you do things is not right. Don't argue, and do things this way." I used lots of reasoning and quotes in my scolding. However, the consequence was that my children would point out that I did not care about them and that I was not considerate of others. Their critiques not only did not make me look within, but instead made me feel very upset and that they were being unfair.
I also had words for my fellow practitioners. To those practitioners who are very active in doing truth-clarification things and who ask others to do more truth-clarification, I would say, "Everyone is cultivating for oneself and not doing it for others, so why do you consider yourself better than others and complain about and ask things from others?" At that time, I was not thinking from the standpoint of fellow practitioners and also not thinking of being responsible to sentient beings.
To those practitioners who are being held in labor camps and prisons, I also showed a lack of any concern. Although I sent righteous thoughts and clarified the truth, I totally failed to do things as required by Master, "The next person's things are your things, and your things are his things." (Teaching the Fa at the Washington D.C. Fa Conference, July 2002). I even used Master's Fa to defend myself,
"So for Dafa disciples, no matter how harsh this period of history that we're going through is, there's nothing to grieve over. What we're thinking about is saving sentient beings, and you should fulfill [the aspirations of] a being who came for the Fa and the significance of your coming here. So we have nothing to regret, and what awaits Dafa disciples are all wonderful things. The saddest is those people in the world who've been persecuted and the old forces themselves. Their ending is what's truly sad." (Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Washington D.C. Fa Conference)
I thought, if my family members were now being held in prison, I would definitely feel differently.
I used the "mother figure" mentality to cover up my mistakes and used the wonderful future of Falun Dafa practitioners to defend my lack of compassion. I feel very ashamed. I have made the resolution that I must cultivate away this selfish and cold heart of mine. Master is waiting for me to cultivate well and my sentient beings are waiting for me to cultivate well. I must be diligent in cultivation.