Finding My Attachments and Changing My Everyday People's Thinking
(Clearwisdom.net) After I read the "Solemn Declarations" by
practitioners, I decided to write a solemn declaration because I had turned in
Dafa books and didn't prevent my parents from burning the books. However the
Minghui/Clearwisdom website did not publish the solemn declaration I submitted.
Then I noticed that Minghui published other practitioners' written declarations
that I helped submit. Later, I resubmitted my declaration, but it was again not
published. I couldn't find the reason for this and temporarily dropped the
Recently, I was involved in a project that required a certain skill. However, because for a long time I thought I held an attachment to this skill, I did not learn it. But when the skill was needed I felt ill-prepared and it was very difficult for me to be associated with this project. From this experience, I suddenly realized that I thought I was cultivating well, but actually I was evading everything that might eliminate my attachment. The method I used was the technique adopted in cultivation systems of the past, when a cultivator tried his best to inhibit those stubborn attachments and tried not to touch upon them, instead of genuinely getting rid of the attachments, as a Dafa disciple should do. I was walking the path that the old forces arranged for me. Now I truly realized that it was not because I took a tortuous path in cultivation that my declaration was not published, it was because I was not a Dafa disciple at all.
"They don't realize it at all; their intentions are deeply concealed. Nowadays people have become very crafty. People today know how to hide their attachments. And then they hide the hiding of their attachments. When I look at this kind of person I know it's really hard to save him. When I give him a hint about it, he himself doesn't even realize this concealment of the thing he uses to hide his hiding. What's more, when I point out his real problem--when my Law Bodies point out his real problem--he tries to deceive my Law Bodies, as if he were dealing with ordinary humans. He fakes it and says, 'Oh, I was wrong.' Then he again finds another cover to hide what he's hidden--he uses another cover." ("Teaching the Fa at the Assistants' Fa Conference in Changchun")
That is the core of all my problems. For a long time, I could not realize at all that I was covering up my deep attachments using a seemingly noble excuse. When facing tribulations, I told myself that it was a "test" and I "didn't care about" worldly profits. However, what I really cared for was whether I would be hurt. Dafa became my shelter and excuse to become disinterested in whatever the outcome might be. On the surface, because I never pursued anything, I was disinterested in whether I could gain anything or not. In actuality, I was evading the reality rather than confronting it. I often had expectations for things. For example, when I read fellow practitioners' experience sharing articles on how they negated the old force's arrangements with righteous thoughts and righteous actions, I wanted to be able to do so myself. When I failed to do so, I would tell myself I didn't have any attachment to it and did not care about the outcome. Deep inside, I was worried that what I cared about would be lost, so I tried to deceive myself into believing that I was not interested in it. It was not true cultivation. It was self-deception.
Before I became a practitioner, I pursued "perfection" among everyday people. I am quite nice-looking and I was a very good student at school. Although I was truant at times, I was able to quickly catch up because I was smart. In addition, I am good at physical exercises and I am a quick learner in many things. Because I have such advantages, I hoped to perfect myself. When I became a practitioner, I paid attention to doing well and thought I could manifest the goodness of a Dafa practitioner by doing so. On the surface, I was cultivating myself, but I was doing well for the sake of doing things well, for the sake of getting closer to the perfect image I had in my mind. I failed to assimilate to Dafa unconditionally and to get rid of human thinking. Once a problem arose, I would adjust my definition of "perfection" and try to do well based on my new definition. My attachment to fame often popped up. It was also because I had this kind of human notion.
I didn't recognize this problem for a long time. When it surfaced, I always tried to cover it up. When an attachment manifested itself and it was time to eliminate the attachment, I would imagine how I would behave otherwise or how I would be in another state if I didn't have this attachment Then I would conduct myself based on the "state" I imagined without the attachment. I seemed to be cultivating, but in reality, I was still deceiving myself. I didn't want to change myself fundamentally. Also, I didn't realize that this thought process was not my true self.
Another attachment I had and always hid was the attachment to seeking other people's recognition. When talking to other people or doing things, I always tried to be very considerate and caring, and I was able to see their needs. Oftentimes, I tried to avoid conflicts and helped others to resolve their conflicts as a peacemaker. For a long time, I thought it was because I was afraid of facing conflicts, so I encouraged myself to confront conflicts. However, the results were always bad. I could not figure out what was wrong.
I have a good command of many skills and I am indeed very knowledgeable. However, when compared with experts in these fields, I tended to ignore details. Therefore, I often pretended to be modest, or when talking to an expert, I touched upon the topic in his/her field and changed the subject to areas I knew more about. I was actually trying to seek others' recognition and acknowledgment that I knew many other things, because I knew quite a lot in his/her own field and in addition, many other things in other areas. I was indeed very crafty.
I also tried to say every sentence and do every trivial thing more appropriately. On the surface, being appropriate was meant to not hurt others, but in essence, I was trying to get others to agree with my viewpoint without hurting them, and to seek their recognition. I only sought to change others, but not to change myself. All my attachments were hidden in a crafty way, and I always tried to cover up my notions using the excuse that my human notions were actually at play. When I realized this, I thought I was really a poor practitioner.
Although I thought I was a cultivator, I now realized that in the past, I had been an everyday person, and my conduct was that of an everyday person, an everyday person who believed that Falun Dafa was great. I was not a cultivator.
I got to know Dafa in 1997 through my aunt. At the time, I believed in Dafa without a second thought and I thought I was a cultivator. However, I didn't even read through Zhuan Falun once and I practiced the exercises only a couple of times. I was a middle-school student then and I disliked one of the teachers. After I developed the supernatural capabilities of celestial ear and mind reading, I believed what I heard from my celestial ear and played truant. I thought to myself that I was not attached to scores. My parents, who had great expectations for me, started to object to my practice of Falun Gong. After the evil Chinese Communist Party started persecuting Falun Gong, my parents monitored me closely. I didn't study the Fa and didn't truly cultivate. As my parents monitored me strictly, I could not keep in touch with other practitioners. I was completely reduced to an everyday person. The only difference was that deep in my heart, I knew the very basic morality required to be a human being.
I am finding and rectifying these crafty notions and attachments. I'm eliminating them. That is the purpose of my writing this article. I was not a good Dafa student and my entire cultivation and enlightenment quality was very poor, however Master never gave up on me. Later, when I was browsing the Internet I obtained software that breaks through the Internet blockade. I finally was able to watch the truth clarification video of the "Self-immolation incident." All my confusions were dissolved. I could not hold back my tears. I made up my mind to restart my cultivation in Dafa. From then on, I became a true practitioner. I downloaded Dafa materials and began to study the Fa and do the exercises all over again. I finally learned what I should do. It's very difficult to describe my feelings. I started by clarifying the truth to my best friends. Then I printed truth clarification materials and handed them out on the street. From now on, I will do well and I will be able to do well. I will conduct myself as a true practitioner, a noble and dignified Dafa disciple.