(Clearwisdom.net) I'm a practitioner from the country, and I started practicing Falun Dafa in 1999. It used to be that when I studied the Fa, a single sentence from Master like "It's been a long time!" could bring tears to my eyes. Today, however, when I read Master's words, "Surpassing time and space, Fa-rectification dashes forward" ("A Will That Ebbs Not"), I feel as though there is something stopping me.
One day while I was studying the Fa, I read, "As the fierce winds blow, they wallow in sin" (Provisional translation subject to further improvement, "Return", Hong Yin II). I felt my heart quivering in my chest. Was Master talking about me? Immediately I began asking myself about all the things that had happened during the past year, reflecting on them one after another. I thought about the things I'd done.
When you keep your attachment to jealousy and don't let it go, when you show yourself off, when you get into conflicts with other practitioners, aren't you wallowing in sin? When you don't let go of your attachment to lust and desire, aren't you still wallowing in sin? When you keep your attachment to fame and profit, and at the same time the attachment to being a good person in ordinary society causes your husband curse you and bring a negative influence to Dafa, are you not wallowing in sin?
I was so stunned that I could hardly continue thinking. After practicing for six years, it was the first time that I doubted myself. Was I cultivating? What importance do I put on my Dafa cultivation? It was then that I finally understood Master's words: "Dafa is solemn, and cultivation practice is a serious matter." ("Drive Out Interference")
Remembering when I'd first obtained the Fa (At the time, there were more than twenty people practicing Falun Gong in my village), I felt like I was just like those Master mentioned when he said, "some people think that it agrees with their own code of conduct"("Towards Consummation", Essentials for Further Advancement II). It seems that I'd never considered this issue in cultivation. Today I finally understand why I'm not diligent in my cultivation. I don't actually treat myself as a practitioner. I'm also afraid of enduring pain, and that's why I still can't sit in the double lotus position. It's like Master said: "they merely study it on a theoretical level, subjecting it to criticism and so-called research, as if it were philosophy."(Lunyu, Zhuan Falun, 2003 English Translation) Writing this, I really regret that my enlightenment quality is so poor, and that I haven't kept up with the progress of Fa-rectification.
Today, before I did the sitting meditation, I didn't think about whether I could finish. Instead I was thinking that Master would help me. After I entered into tranquility, I heard the beautiful music, and tears of regret mixed with the happy tears for understanding the Fa. I really want to say: "Benevolent Master! Your disciple has no reason to not be diligent." After a while, however, my human side kept thinking, "How much longer until I finish the sitting meditation? Can I go on?" Immediately my cultivated side replied, "Take the pain as part of the path of cultivation." Right away my body felt so much lighter. At that moment the exercise music told me, "Persist to the end, finish your historic mission, follow Master and return to your origin."
Today I felt no pain at all while doing the exercises. I know Master is encouraging me. "Cultivation is up to you, gong is up to the master." (Zhuan Falun, 2003 English Translation)
