Finding My Deeply Hidden, Fundamental Attachment
(Clearwisdom.net) Before, I never used to think about whether I had any fundamental attachments. My feeling was that I didn't seem to have any. I did not learn Falun Dafa because I had illness or was unhappy with my life. When I practiced other qigong exercises before, I did not know why I wanted to practice. However, when I first learned about Falun Dafa, my heart felt so happy as if all my life I had been waiting for this. Thus, even after Master published the article "Towards Consummation," I didn't pay much attention to it. I believed that my intentions in learning Dafa were pure.
However, in my cultivation, for a long time I could not be diligent. I read at least one lecture of Zhuan Falun per day and I paid attention as much as I could to cultivating xinxing. But I practiced the exercises only once every few days. I know that I should practice the exercises every day. But I could not do it. I was quite frustrated for a long time because I could not be diligent in doing the exercises. I was very upset, but still failed to get up in the morning to do the exercises. My body started to show signs of karma now and then. For example, I sometimes had headaches, whereby I would listen to Dafa lectures and Dafa music and my headache would disappear within a few hours.
I am also doing truth clarification, but not very actively. Although I am busy at work, I should still be able to find some time. I know that I was using work as an excuse. As long as one wants to clarify the truth, Master will help to solve all the problems. I had very positive experiences regarding this point. There were a few times that I did everything well for several days. At these times I would feel that I had time to clarify the truth and I would wake up in the night when it was time for sending forth righteous thoughts. Even though I didn't have enough truth clarification materials on hand and could not find time to ask fellow practitioners, I would bump into fellow practitioners on the road and they would ask me whether I needed any materials. The materials I got would be well written and just the type that I needed. Sometimes, fellow practitioners would bring the materials to my home.
I am a person who doesn't like to think that much. I felt that I had come to this stage and to the Fa-rectification of the human world in the same way (without thinking). I figured that my conduct was already good enough given that I am probably inferior to those diligent practitioners but maybe superior to those who did not do well at all. When I shared this reasoning with others, fellow practitioners probably saw my attachment. However, I didn't realize it until today when I read a fellow practitioner's article titled, "Read 'Towards Consummation' One More Time." I thought back on my cultivation in the past and finally realized that the purpose of cultivation I had in mind was to become a Buddha so that I would never have to endure any suffering and would enjoy a happy life forever. I wanted to get away from the suffering in the human world. No wonder I always say these words to my child: "Please don't take things seriously with other people; what can you get after fighting again and again? Once you become a Buddha sometime in the future, you will have whatever you like and you will be happy forever."
My failure to identify my attachment also influenced my child's cultivation and made my child sometimes good and other times bad. My own attachment was hidden very deep inside. Even when I found it, I was still thinking that I have to eliminate it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to reach consummation (the fear of not be able to reach consummation is still rooted in the attachment of getting away from the suffering in the human world). I developed an attachment trying to remove another attachment. I realize what a "skillful being" this type of attachment is. Master said in "Nonexistence:"
"Live with no pursuit, Die not caring about staying" (Hong Yin).
Today's feeling for most of us is that we may not be afraid of dying; however, it is extremely hard to be able to live with no pursuit. Very often it happens that you think you've given up a certain attachment during the daytime, yet in the nighttime in your dream, you still cannot let it go and hold on to it rather tightly.
I finally found my fundamental attachment even though it was buried very deeply for a very long time. Now that I have found it, I should analyze it carefully and get rid off it completely. I want to be a diligent Dafa disciple with a heart truly harmonized with "Zhen, Shan, Ren (Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance)."
I don't think I have cultivated well enough. If any practitioner has identified any of my additional attachments from this article, please kindly point it out to me.
Thank you very much. Heshi.