(Clearwisdom.net) I was greatly touched after reading "Cultivation Practice -- Returning to One's True Self" (http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2003/12/20/43319.html). The article helped me to see my longstanding sense of vanity--and in the process, I realized how foolish my attachment was.
After years of practice, I had once felt changes within my heart, but I was still hampered by resistance coming from my attachment. I have not calmly examined from which attachment the resistance comes from. It was not until I finished reading the article that I realized why I did not examine myself before. Ordinarily, I know that I have strong vanity, and it exhibited itself during my cultivation. For example, when I encountered somebody I knew well on the streets (including colleagues, relatives and classmates), if I felt that I was not properly dressed, I would try to avoid them subconsciously. Otherwise, I would approach them naturally and tell them my experience with Falun Gong. This is especially so for those of the opposite sex (there is my hidden notion about lust). I suddenly realized that my attachments regarding sex, which had confounded me for a very long time, originated from my attachment to fame. The look from the eyes of the opposite sex can satisfy my vanity. For example, their approval of my capabilities, my my appearances, etc. would feed my vanity.
Just days before I wrote this article, I experienced something hard to explain (it seemed that I suffered and cried for something that I could not attain in this human world). I knew that it was the attachment that I was supposed to get rid off bothering me. I did not check myself carefully; instead, I went to bed. (Falling asleep is my bad habit of avoiding suffering. I always thought that I could be better adjusted after a good sleep.) I missed the chance of improving myself. Master said in his teaching in Switzerland,
"If in this universe only the positive side existed, it would be extremely pitiful for beings. They would have neither happiness nor pain, and living wouldn't be interesting at all." (Lecture at the Conference in Switzerland, unofficial translation)
I realized it is because of having human thoughts in the Three Reamls that we feel we know the meaning of living and what suffering is. It is only when we go beyond the Three Realms that we will not be restrained by it and will be able to dictate our own fate.
Each single thought that we had before was created within the old universe. They will play a negative role during Fa-rectification if we do not correct them. This vanity of mine also needs to be removed during validating Dafa so that it will not play a negative role. This attachment has imperceptibly weakened my righteous thoughts and belief on my path of validating Dafa. It also has kept me from being open and dignified, from being selfless and altruistic, and from functioning as a particle of Dafa completely during Fa-rectification.
I cannot completely express what I feel due to the limitations of my writing skills. Please correct me if there is anything inappropriate.