During recent periods, I came to discover that two warped substances, "Self-righteousness" and "depression," have frequently interfered with my cultivation practice.
For example, sometimes when caught up in a conflict or verbally offended, I would, in a complete departure from the rational behavior of a practitioner, become defensive or launch an immediate counter-attack before thinking. Afterwards, I would feel regretful and wish I could have handled it better. Meanwhile, I could not help wondering why this would continue to happen, since I had cultivated in Dafa for many years.
So, I thought it over and finally realized that this kept occurring because "Self-righteousness," a warped mentality of selfishness, was hidden deep in my mind. Self-righteousness is something almost untouchable--when it is triggered, one's own thoughts will easily be controlled by it as though one had forgotten one was a practitioner. It can even manifest as strong resentment and demonic nature. This warped mentality of selfishness is devious in that if left untouched, it can be in the disguise of "confidence," and is thus hard to detect. Usually, once a person has something that he considers will make him superior to others, he will display it openly in his speech as well as on his face. Unfortunately, he himself may still be in the dark, even though his notion that his understanding is superior to everyone else's has already been completely exposed. Sometimes he will dwell on others' mistakes, which gives him the chance to overlook and cover up his attachment with the excuse of helping others.
I found that this warped notion could also manifest in another way: when his Self-righteousness is challenged and he is unable to convince others, he will go to the other extreme and fall into depression, lamenting that he is good for nothing. This problem exists particularly when he fails to pass a test, at which time the thought would come to his mind that he had lost confidence in cultivation. As such, this attachment could be mistaken for modesty, and thus become hidden, making it all the more difficult to detect.
I can sometimes discover interference from this type of warped notion in my mind amidst the elimination of the evil with righteous thoughts. Thoughts will come to mind that question how much contribution I have made, etc. Then, I will be overwhelmed with either smugness or sadness, as both feelings are driven by my attachment to gain and loss.
Whatever form in which this warped notion manifests, we should be vigilant and eliminate it with righteous thoughts, lest it comes to control us.
