(Clearwisdom.net) In the past two years, Dafa disciples have been fearless in the face of all tribulations. They have firmly safeguarded Dafa and offered salvation to the people of the world. However, due to my temporary attachments, I did not come out to safeguard Dafa during a certain period. I even felt hopeless about myself because of the mistakes I made in my own cultivation. Yet I finally got rid of all interferences, made up my mind and merged into the mighty Fa-rectification current again.
In July 1999 I went to Beijing to appeal for the first time but police officers stopped me in the railway station. In the police department, other practitioners and I refused to sign our names to an interrogation form. Afterward, we were sent to the local police station. There we were asked to write a pledge denouncing Falun Gong. I said, "I will cultivate to the end; my mind will never be moved." Seeing me so determined, they had to let me go home. In a dream that same night, I saw up in the sky a shell that enveloped the earth. The shell had three layers. The inside and outside layers were both white but the middle layer was black. Several lotus flowers grew out of the filthy mire, unsoiled by even a speck of dust. I did not at that moment carefully think over what it meant. I now realize that it was Master strengthening me to see all these and encouraging me to do better, since I had done right this time.
During that period, my family watched me closely. There was a propaganda and rumor mongering campaign on TV. Added to which there were the threats from the police and the fear of my own attachments. I was at a loss about what to do. Seeing Master and Dafa being defiled, not knowing what to do, my heart was indescribably anxious. I wanted Master to give me some hints. Then, I received a false article allegedly written by Master asking disciples not to do anything. I had some doubts about the article. However, because of my fear of attachments, I heeded the false article and enlightened along an evil path to "genuinely cultivate" at home.
Later on, police officers from the local police station came looking for me several times. In the end, affected by my attachment of fear and the false article, I wrote "the statement" claiming to give up practicing Falun Gong. I felt really bad after I had written it. In the following days there were a couple of times, when others were slandering Master and Dafa right in my face, that I dared not validate Dafa or clarify the truth. Moreover, I felt sleepy for as long as I studied the Fa and practiced the exercises. At the same time, I could not see the inner meaning of the Fa, not even when studying it. I could not maintain my xinxing well in daily life either, and played video games all day. It was always like that. During that precious period, fellow practitioners, in the face of the threat of illegal detention, brutal bearings, prison sentences, and even a ruined family, stood up to validate Dafa. Compared with them, how could I be counted as being determined in cultivation? Indeed, I was too ashamed to face Dafa and Master.
In October 2000, I finally got in touch with practitioners who were participating in the validation of Dafa. Then I knew that what I had seen was a false article. At the same time, I obtained Master's genuine articles and experience-sharing articles by Dafa disciples. I realized that to stand up and validate Dafa was the right thing to do. I then began to clarify the truth to the people of the world.
In December 2000, I read Master Li Hongzhi's Lecture at the Great Lakes Conference in North America. Since I was not studying the Fa deeply and was not remaining calm, I fell into an extremely pessimistic mood. I felt that I did not deserve to be a Dafa disciple. I had let both Dafa and Master down. In Serious Teaching, Master also said, "Why does a person study Dafa? Those people only want to gain from Dafa, and they regard Dafa as a protective shield. What are they doing while Dafa encounters persecution, while disciples are being arrested, persecuted, and beaten to death for protecting Dafa? What are they doing while their Master is being slandered? Are they waiting for something good simply to fall from the sky? Are they waiting to reach Consummation once the tribulation ends? I'm really worried for them. They have no idea how dangerous the situation is for their true beings!" "Some people wanted to wait for Master to spell things out and tell everyone what to do and how to protect the Fa. They have waited for Master to spell things out and tell everyone to go to Beijing to validate the Fa, and for Master to tell them clearly that [they should] clarify the truth to people. Once I spell things out for them, however, what they do is no longer self-initiated by their own righteous thoughts. Once the answers are provided the test ends, and those afraid to step forward to validate the Fa forever lose their chance." I thought I had no chance any more. I felt hopeless, pained, and regretful.
I knelt before Master's picture, begging Master time and again in my mind, "Please save me, Master! I am begging you, please save me! Please give me another chance!" Master's facial expression was very solemn. My heart was extremely sorrowful but not resigned. So I begged Master again, "Master, please save me! I am begging you! Please save me!"
Master's facial expression was still serious. I understood that Master was establishing the foundation for the Fa and the future of the universe. He would not break a rule for anyone. Master said, "Whenever I see you suffer hardships, Master feels even more upset than you; whenever you do not take a step well, it really pains my heart." "I know all of the suffering of my disciples. The truth is, I treasure you more than you treasure yourselves!" (Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)). Now I understand that Master's solemnity was to be responsible to me. He did not want my human side to absolve me from my fault and conceal my attachments. Master wanted me to be enlightened from the perspective of the Fa, to eliminate my attachments, and solidly to improve myself. This is to save me genuinely. How benevolent Master is!
I remember Master's words, "One should return to one's original, true self; this is the real purpose of being human." (Zhuan Falun) Those who risk their lives to validate Dafa have lost things maximally and yet stepped forward to safeguard Dafa. They are all lustrous gold, brightening others and themselves. Yet I had become a grain of sand. All of a sudden I thought, "Why should I give myself up as being hopeless? Why should I abandon myself to vice? I still have time. Dafa has given me my life. Dafa and Master are benevolent enough to give me another chance, though I had not taken proper advantage of the opportunity. But I still have a chance. Although time is limited, I can clarify the truth to others as well. Even should there be only one person, I will clarify the truth to him. Those practitioners are burnished gold illuminating others, and I am a grain of sand. However, when a grain of sand is burned and melted in a blazing fire, also it can radiate, though it is not as pure and beautiful as gold. I want to burn everything in my life to validate Dafa and brighten others, even if I brighten only one person. My life is not enough to repay the benevolence of Dafa and Master. But, since I am a living being in this cosmos, I want to use my life to validate Dafa. I must safeguard and validate Dafa. It gives me everything. This is my responsibility, my obligation, and my pleasure as well.
On January 10, 2001, our factory held a factory-wide meeting in recognition of the model employees. At the meeting, the factory director gave a review on the past year's projects. However, he suddenly changed the subject and started to smear Falun Gong. My heart sank, "Somebody is attacking the Fa." Our Teacher's words came to my mind, "... when someone comes to attack the Fa, what should you, a disciple, a particle of Dafa, do? Shouldn't you let the truth be known and make people aware of the facts?" (From the speech by Master Li Hongzhi at the Western U.S. Cultivation Experience Sharing Conference of Falun Dafa) I thought I should go up to the podium and clarify the truth to everybody. But my fear came up and my human mentality tried to find some excuses for my attachment of fear: "I haven't put the truth-clarifying materials in a safer place. It doesn't matter even if the police arrest me when I clarify the truth, however, what will happen to those materials if the police find them? Maybe I should take care of the materials first. And I can clarify the truth to people next time when I have a chance." But those words of Teacher's came up to my mind again. I struggled for a few minutes.
Finally I stood up and confidently went up to the podium, silently reciting Teacher's words, "Validate the Fa with reason, clarify the truth with wisdom, spread the Fa and offer people salvation with benevolence." (from Teacher's article "Rationality") I went up to our factory director and said to him politely, "Director, please let me use the microphone for a little while." I took up the microphone and turned to face my five hundred colleagues. At that time, all the people were looking at me and it was very quiet. Time itself seemed to be frozen. The only thing that I needed to do was to validate the Fa. So I said, "Falun Dafa is not superstition. And it is certainly not an XX [the Chinese government's slanderous word omitted]..." (Later on I heard that all of the employees in my factory and their family members talked about my speech. About two or three thousand people got to know the truth this way.)
The police ran towards me and forcibly took me to the factory Security Section. They beat me and ordered me to write the "guarantee" to give up practicing Falun Dafa. They also required me to admit "mistakes" at a factory-wide meeting. I refused. They madly beat me. Then they ordered me to slander the Fa and Teacher. I again refused, and they again beat me. They also cursed me with the most malicious words. I felt pity for them since they didn't know they were ruining themselves. So I said, "Please don't have any bad thoughts towards the Fa. I do care about all of you." They beat me again. In the end they sent me to a police station since I refused to obey any of their commands.
I wasn't nervous on the way to the police station. I thought, "Now I can call myself a disciple of our Teacher." I couldn't help my tears. My only concern at that time was about those truth-clarifying materials. I asked Teacher to help me to protect those materials.
Later I was sent to a police custodial center because I refused to write the "guarantee." In the cell, I saw a few practitioners squatting on the ground with some criminals, eating half-cooked corn bread and drinking black soup with some frozen potatoes in it. I was very sad and I couldn't help crying. I thought, "Falun Dafa practitioners are inhumanly persecuted when they are trying to validate the Fa and save people. Our great benevolent Teacher has been bearing more hardships than we have. Then how many hardships and what hardships has our Teacher suffered?" I also learned that many practitioners were maltreated and even lost their lives when validating the Fa while in police custody. I cried for a few days.
I was detained in the custodial center and I lost all my personal freedom. However, my heart felt light and my body felt comfortable. I didn't have the feeling of suffering any more like I used to. I felt extremely relaxed and happy. During the first few days in the custodial center, no matter whether I closed or opened my eyes, I could see the gods and Buddhas all over the sky. There were layers of them. All of them were extremely solemn and magnificent. I knew Teacher was strengthening my divine powers. I couldn't have experienced all of these if I were staying at home to secretly cultivate myself. Teacher said, "Getting arrested is not the purpose. Validating Dafa is truly glorious -- it is to validate Dafa that you step forward" ("Rationality")
Thirty days later, the police transferred me to a detention center. I was the only practitioner in my cell. I kept clarifying the truth to those criminals and again those gods and Buddhas manifested themselves for me. After several days, my family came to visit me. They told me that if I refused to write the "guarantee," my father and my brother would be fired. My brother's fiancée would break up with him. My mother had a serious illness and the doctors said it might be cancer. My uncle's only son was born when he was in his forties, and his son was very ill at that time. Still, from hundreds of miles away, my uncle came to talk to me. His ears were even frostbitten. And another uncle, my aunt, my aunt's husband, my classmates, etc., they all came. They tried to talk me into writing the "guarantee." I thought, "On the surface, my family has suffered because of my validating the Fa. They couldn't understand me now. However, I know that validating the Fa is the most righteous and the best thing in the universe. So I'm being truly responsible to all the people, including my family and my friends. I've been truly good to them! The sufferings and pleasures in the human world are short and temporary. But the Fa can bring to people all the real and the most wonderful things!" So I kept clarifying the truth to my family and friends, smiling all the time.
Another fifteen days later, I was transferred to another detention center. There I received Teacher's article, "Coercion Cannot Change People's Hearts." Tears flowed from my eyes, "Teacher is so benevolent!"
After 108 days' illegal detention, I was released. I didn't write the "guarantee." My father and my brother were not fired. My brother's fiancée didn't break up with him. My mother was fine. My uncle's son got well also. I came to realize that all of these were tests for me. I passed the test of human sentimentality.
I want to say from the bottom of my heart to all my fellow practitioners who didn't do well before: "After reading my article, I hope we can encourage each other to break though the barriers. Let's make good use of the time left to firmly safeguard the Fa. Then maybe one day, you will find yourself a particle of the Fa again." Teacher has said, "Cultivation and Fa-rectification are serious. Whether you are able to treasure this period of time is, in fact, a matter of whether you can be responsible to yourselves. This period of time will not last long, but it can forge the mighty virtue of magnificent Enlightened Beings, Buddhas, Daos, and Gods of different levels, and even Lords of different levels. ... Disciples, be diligent! Everything that's the most magnificent and the most wonderful is developed in the process of your validating Dafa." (from Teacher's article "Fa-Rectification Period Dafa Disciples")
My fellow practitioners, please kindly help correct me if I have said anything inappropriate here.
