One Thought Determines Whether One is a God or a Human
(Clearwisdom.net) From May 2005 to December 2006, my body suffered "disease-karma," which I was not able to alleviate. Through continuous Fa study and with help from fellow practitioners, I began digging for the cause. I knew that when in tribulations, one has to look inward to eliminate attachments, send forth righteous thoughts, and do the three things well. I was trying hard to do all of these. Why was there little change on the surface? Where did I go wrong?
I recited Lunyu repeatedly. Teacher said,
"'The Buddha Fa' is most profound; among all the theories in the world, it is the most intricate and extraordinary science. In order to explore this domain, humankind must fundamentally change its conventional thinking. Otherwise, the truth of the universe will forever remain a mystery to humankind, and everyday people will forever crawl within the boundary delimited by their own ignorance."
Through Fa study, I realized my "karma" was because I had not given up human thinking.
Before I started cultivation, I had a herniated disc between my fourth and fifth vertebrae. In 1998, my third disc was broken in a motorcycle accident. After I started cultivation, the symptoms disappeared. But when I felt uncomfortable somewhere in my body, I worried about my old problems reappearing. With just that thought, my old problems indeed did show up. In the forty days after September 17, 2006, my pain got worse and worse. I could not get comfortable sitting, standing or laying down. I couldn't get out of bed most of the time, or fall asleep at night. I constantly cried because of the pain. I recited "when it's difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it's impossible to do, you can do it." (Zhuan Falun) over and over again.
During that time, I suffered a lot both physically and psychologically. One day during this time, a provincial well-known orthopedic expert called and told me that he had found the best orthopedic expert in the province to diagnose me. I was told I needed surgery to replace the three discs immediately, otherwise I would face paraplegia. I was told to have enough money ready. Replacing that section of bone would cost 50,000 yuan if using materials made in China, or 100,000 yuan if using imported material. The material was warrantied for ten years. At that time, I made a quick decision and told the expert that my back would recover and I would not become paralyzed. I decided not to have the surgery and had never considered having it. Later, I found out that the doctor was a friend of my husband's when they were soldiers together. My husband had showed him my previous x-rays.
Although I told him what I thought, I myself could not get through the tribulation. That phone call also added to my concern. What should I do? I knelt down and asked Teacher for help. There were quite a few nights that the pain was intense. I knelt on bed and asked Master with my hands pressed together and prayed, "Master, whatever level I have cultivated to, let it be. I don't want to be a human again. It is too painful to be a human." At the same time, I specifically found and studied Teachers Fa on "disease-karma." I repeatedly recited "Disease-karma" and "Expounding on the Fa." Teacher requires us to look inward for whatever problem we have and not withdraw because of tribulations.
Since I wanted to be a true practitioner, I knew I should listen to what Teacher says. I should peacefully study the Fa, and look inward. I found that I still had a competitive mentality, jealousy, hate, fear, selfishness, emotion, thoughts for fame and gain, and other attachments. When my body felt uncomfortable, I thought it was the old problem showing up. When this attachment surfaced, I was determined to eliminate it, and have righteous thoughts believing in Master and the Fa.
When I recited "Expounding the Fa," I enlightened to the fact that the cause of the disease-karma's continuous interference was because I had too many attachments, which were loopholes taken advantage of by the evils.
Also, I remembered what Teacher said,
"What's important for cultivators is righteous thoughts. When you have strong righteous thoughts, you are able to withstand anything and do anything. That's because you are a cultivator: someone who is on a divine path and who is not controlled by the factors of ordinary people or low-level principles." ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles")
I swore that even though I had pain, I would still have righteous thoughts.
With this pure and righteous thought, on the fortieth day when I had the most unbearable pain, I got off bed to practice the exercises at 4:50 a.m., it came to me after forty minutes into the sitting exercise,
"Fame, gain, emotion--cultivate each away,
And ascend to the Firmament at Consummation,
See the human world with eyes of compassion,
Then are you freed from the spell of delusion."
("Success at Consummation" from Hong Yin)
Instantly, I was in tears. I knew that my benevolent Master was letting me know that I should be clear minded.
After finishing the exercises, I felt much more at ease. That day, I distributed truth clarification materials. I had indescribable happiness when I returned home because I could again save sentient beings like in the past. After three consecutive days, my body completely recovered after interference for more than a year.
Reflecting back, why was I interfered with for so long? Looking for the root-cause, I think that it was mainly that my human side did not have a good understanding of the Fa, and unintentionally let in evils which took advantage of my laissez-faire attitude.