Letting Go of Human Notions and Recovering from Depression
(Clearwisdom.net) I have practiced Falun Gong for ten years. During the past two or three years, I was very depressed. My mind and heart were filled with strong human notions and I just couldn't snap out of it. I looked at everything negatively, always had opposing views, and disliked everything. I felt depressed and was no longer willing to share my opinions, even though my mind couldn't let go of anything I disagreed with. Teacher wants us to work and coordinate with each other. Although I still pretended to do that on the surface level, my mind was very troubled.
For five years, I took part in a media project and thought that I had achieved senior level knowledge. I believed I was experienced and could accomplish a lot without coordinating with others. This spring, we had a change of leadership, which I wasn't willing to accept. I thought, "You have no idea about business dealings and I am doing the actual work. I do what I can and what I can't just doesn't get done." I had my system, and I did things my own way. Alas, I often felt tired and just wanted to opt out.
The new leader then appointed another division head who became my supervisor. This move was done to strengthen management. I was offended and perceived this as a personal affront. I knew that I was the least cooperative in the group, and I decided to quit so they couldn't boss me around. I sent a message to the leader indicating that I was tired and wanted to resign. Then, I met him two days later. He said calmly, "You are a veteran practitioner and should be more diligent toward the end. Why did you quit?" I was offended again and misunderstood his intention. I believed he was telling me that I had made my choice and had to live with it. I thought, "Fine. You are the leader of the project and if you are not worried about losing me, why should I be?" I was determined to quit.
At the same time, the local practitioners organized a group Fa study. They were going to read through Zhuan Falun in one day. I joined the activity, and Teacher's words lingered in my mind. I felt guilty about something I could not quite fathom, but I still wanted to quit. That night I was watching TV, a story was about two men laying on a train track. The train was still far away. They had a bet going. Whoever left the train tracks first would lose the bet. I suddenly realized that I was just like them. I would rather lose my life to win than admit that I was in the wrong. I felt that the train was approaching me at high speed. I'd rather quit a Falun Dafa project that could save sentient beings than admit I was uncooperative. I'd rather cause damage than stop fighting with fellow practitioners. What would happen if I, figuratively speaking, remained on the tracks and walked away from the competition?
I subsequently attended another group study session. This time we listened to Teacher's lecture "Fa Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners." Teacher's words reminded me that I wasn't following his teachings and that I criticized a lot. I realized that leaving the current project would be a big mistake. No other project would want a member who criticized everything and negatively influenced the work. I asked myself why I couldn't appreciate other practitioners and encourage them. I became emotional and tears streamed down my face. I held strong opinions about fellow practitioners, the association, and the leader of the project. Why couldn't I improve? There was nothing wrong with what this new leader did. He only wanted to strengthen the management. What was it that I could not let go? Wasn't this my problem?
I remember a section in a martial arts novel that told how a person with unconquerable martial arts skills wanted to be number one in the world and beat all opponents. In the end, he lost his mind because he couldn't beat his shadow. I realized that the person next to me on the train track wasn't a practitioner but my own shadow, my notions, and my karma. These things dragged me down and wanted me to die with them on the tracks. What other practitioners said or did were merely to help me awaken from my slumber and realize what I had not let go. All along it was my problem. If I let it go, fellow practitioners would have nothing to point out to me. Teacher wants us to look within when we are faced with problems. This is the absolute truth.
It took several years for me to overcome my depression. I finally realized that I had to let go of my notions and stop being depressed. I had to be diligent again.