Finally Looking Inside Regarding Conflicts with My Mother and Learning to Treat Her as a Fellow Practitioner
(Clearwisdom.net) After I began to practice Falun Gong, I experienced lots of tests in my relationship with fellow practitioners. I passed almost all the tests. Fellow practitioners always said that my xinxing was at a high level. However, in my xinxing tests with my mother, who is also a practitioner, I failed most of the time. This happened mainly because deeply rooted attachments to my mother formed notions that were hard to detect.
What I saw clearly were my mother's attachments. Mother failed to pass her tests in her relationship with my older brother and his wife. Although she tried to control herself and was improving bit by bit, she failed to reach the standards of a practitioner, which is to not feel any resentment or hatred. Chatting with people, whether they were family members or outsiders, she always talked about the faults of her daughter-in-law.
When I heard this, I felt angry and said to her: "Is this validating the Fa? What you talked about was nothing more than your attachments. You did not clarify the facts to the people and you did not talk about the beauty of Falun Dafa, but only filthy stuff. How can you clarify the facts to other people like this?" The old forces used this loophole, and the more I was attached to my mother's attachments, the more she would act like that in my presence, and the more she acted like that, the more frustrated I became. She was not only too busy with housework, but also did some unnecessary things. She wasted a lot of time, but thought she was doing well in cultivation. Teacher gave her hints a few times, but she continued to indulge her attachments. Whenever she had some time, she watched the news, became attached to the development of the situation at hand and went to social gatherings, instead of using her time to study the Fa. She felt sleepy when she studied the Fa and felt energetic when she put the book down. Moreover, she was not able to clearly see the true nature of the evil communist specter. When I pointed it out, she interrupted me. I told her that her main consciousness was not clear, and that she should recite the paragraph of the Fa about the main consciousness. She refused to listen and said that her main consciousness was very strong. I told her that she could not even see through the nature of the evil communist specter. When I asked her to watch videos about eliminating Party ideology, she said that she did not have time. She told me that if she had time, she would study the Fa instead.
I had never acted so poorly during xinxing tests with other practitioners. I knew that it was not right, however, whenever I heard my mother talk, I could not suppress my anger. I was not able to break through the anger and it even affected my Fa study. I normally study the Fa with a calm mind, however, when my mother started to talk about things she was attached to, it was impossible for me to continue, as my thoughts became focused on her problems. Sometimes, even though I did not say anything, I had already accused her a few times in my mind. Whenever I could not control myself any more, I reprimanded her, accusing her of not behaving like a practitioner. On the surface, it looked like I had spoken sternly and with a sense of justice, but actually it was the manifestation of a demonic furor. Since this lasted for a long period of time, even my father said: "You were pretty good before you practiced Falun Gong, but now you have become very hot-tempered. Look at your mother, she has cultivated a lot better. She had a very bad temper in the past, but now she does not argue when you criticize her." Sometimes when I argued with my mother, my father said: "You two claim that you are practitioners, but you act worse than everyday people." I knew that my behavior was wrong, but I could not keep myself from getting upset by my mother's behavior. I was severely affected and the gap between my mother and me had widened. It reached a point where whenever I started to speak, my mother left the room right away.
The conflict between us became acute. I felt very pained for failing to pass this test. This continued until I watched Teacher's "Fa Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners." I watched the lecture dozens of times and I felt that Teacher cleaned out the substance of my attachments for me. I felt reborn. I was able to truly look inward and found a lot of shortcomings. First of all, when I dealt with my mother, I used the family concept and amplified the human side. Therefore, I failed to treat my mother as a practitioner and had a strong attachment to self. I was busy doing what I wanted to do and failed to form one body with my mother and study the Fa with her. Instead, I left all the housework to her, which made her really busy. Whenever there was a problem, I was always too impatient to see her point of view and immediately attacked her. This was a manifestation of the old forces. I realized that I had been going along with the old forces and helping them to persecute her. So later, when she failed to pass a test, I looked at the issue from the Fa principles. Then I thought about it rationally so that I could earnestly point out the problem to her. I did not get attached to the result, as to whether she would change or not. She did not say anything and even tried to make excuses with a smile. After I had forgotten the whole thing, one day she told me that I was right about what I had said. I realized that the result was good when I talked to her while I rectified myself. She made a remarkable change which was beyond my expectation. I witnessed the power of Dafa.
The reason why I could pass tests with other practitioners was because of my strong belief that we are all practitioners and practitioners should do things in accordance with the requirements of the Fa. When I am with practitioners, I seldom mix in the notion of qing. I can thus better position myself as a practitioner. However, when I am with my mother, I unknowingly do things with the notion that we are family members. Therefore, my first thought would be to point the finger at her: you are a practitioner and you should do things according to the Fa. Subconsciously, I mean to say: You are my mother and what I said is for your own good, you must cultivate well and reach the standard of a practitioner. When my mother failed to reach my standard or did not satisfy my notions, I became angry. That was usually the beginning of our argument about who was wrong or who was helping the other. This actually happened to wear down our emotions. Since both of us refused to let go of this emotion, we both felt hurt. After I became clear through studying the Fa, I became more reasonable and was able to let go of this attachment and break through this emotion. This notion was then replaced with compassion, and it dissolved my attachment toward my mother and I no longer tried to change her. Since I had a pure heart, she gladly improved herself.
When I finished writing this article up to this point, I stopped because I felt that I still did not have a clear understanding or had not dug out the root cause of my attachment. In the month that followed, I had conflicts with my mother again. Sometimes, I would say something very nasty and was very puzzled about myself and why I was so angry with my mother. Where did this anger as well as this attachment come from? It was not limited to emotion. Sometimes it seemed that my mother did things purposely to make me angry. It was like a battle and she challenged me. When I was not attached to it everything was alright. It was like in Zhuan Falun, when Teacher talked about the Martial artists who could not let go of their competitiveness. Demons came to compete with them and wear down their attachments. As a matter of fact my attachment was very strong. One day when I was doing the second exercise, my mother said: "Turn down your music a bit. Don't let other people hear it." This was directed at my attachment. Instantly, I lost my tranquil state and thought that it was unfair. I thought that it will be good for a person to hear this music. I thought, " If she is so scared, why does she practice the exercises?" I searched all corners to find my mother's attachments. After I had thought about this for a while, I realized that I was wrong and that it was interference. I tried to get rid of this thought but still failed to return to the tranquil state, and thus felt frustrated. Later I thought, didn't cultivation practice mean that one had to endure? I was determined to repay my karma and generate great, benevolent compassion for my mother. I suddenly realized the meaning of "Let joy be found in hardship" in Teacher's poem "Tempering the Will" (Hong Yin, translation version A). After that I calmed down.
The conflicts between my mother and myself went on for nearly six months. Why was I so angry when I noticed my mother's attachments? Why was my demonic furor so strong? If I truly found my mother's attachment which I did not have, how could I have this demonic furor? The reason for my anger was because my mother was my mirror. I had the same fear mentality as she did. When I played Teacher's Fa Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners, I also turned the volume down and was afraid that other people might hear it. I realized that I had the same notions and attachments as my mother did in regards to my sister-in-law. I was also unhappy whenever my sister-in-law said something bad about my family. Thinking about my mother's attachment to being busy with housework, which was manipulated by the old forces, I realized that I also kept very busy every day, so that I did not have time to study the Fa. When I looked inward, I found that I had the same attachments as my mother. Therefore, I should thank my mother for helping me see my attachments instead of being angry with her.
During these tests, I enlightened that the criteria for passing a test is to look inward. No matter who is involved, be it fellow practitioners or non-practitioners, the criteria for passing a test is always to look inward and to be truly grateful to the other person for helping us improve. Teacher has talked about the principle of thanking others. It looks like a simple sentence but in essence it's the criteria for the realm of cultivation.
By the time I truly had enlightened to my need to look inward, another month had elapsed. I had no remorse whatsoever and felt that the substance of my life had fundamentally changed. I could not even find my former conflict between my Buddha and demon nature. Just around that time, I developed a cold sore at the corner of my mouth and was unable to speak. This meant that I could not accuse my mother any more. When I enlightened to this, the cold sore disappeared quickly, and when I look inward and rectified my warped substances, my mother also fundamentally changed. I bought her a MP4 player so that she could listen to the Fa. One day she traveled for nearly half an hour to tell me, "I was listening to Teacher's 'Fa Teaching Given to Australian Practitioners' and I realized that I was wrong in dealing with your sister-in-law. Previously I always thought that I had not done anything wrong. However, Teacher stated clearly that as long as you are a practitioner it must be your mistake (not the exact words). I thought about it and I think I was wrong." One more month passed by and my mother, who spent more time studying the Fa, had very strong righteous thoughts. She was thinking about how to clarify the facts on a daily basis. Since she did not do well clarifying the facts face to face, she concentrated on handing out information materials. Since she has fewer notions, she has done a lot of things that I failed to do well.
When I completely changed and truly looked inward, my mother also became more clear minded and reasonable. Therefore, I realized that helping Teacher to rectify the Fa and saving sentient beings is connected to our cultivation. How much we assimilate to the Fa is how much the environment will change.
The above is only the enlightenment at my current level.