Letting Go of Deeply Hidden Jealousy
(Clearwisdom.net) After I began cultivation, every time I saw a fellow practitioner not being diligent, such as not being able to study the Fa or do the exercises regularly, not sending forth righteous thoughts at the appointed times, not being willing to clarify the facts to people, behaving like an ordinary person in day-to-day life, exhibiting selfishness or too much human thinking, etc., I got very worried. Sometimes, for the sake of saving face, I didn't have the nerve to point it out. Other times I did not consider the practitioner's capacity to accept the comment when I criticized his shortcomings. Some practitioners had good xinxing and listened with a smile. Others weren't able to safeguard their xinxing and snapped at me. As a result, we developed serious conflicts. Some decided my comments weren't worth listening to and didn't show the diligence that I had hoped for. No matter what their response, however, the result was the same, which was, when I pointed out their loopholes, things didn't go the way they should have . Rather, they went the opposite direction. After some time, I started to dislike my fellow practitioners. I have often looked within and realized that my tone wasn't kind enough and my compassion was inadequate. I wasn't totally considerate of them. But after trying to improve, I mentioned fellow practitioners' shortcomings again and still didn't get good results.
This situation lasted for a long time. I thought that maybe I was too attached to fellow practitioners' inadequacies. Why did I always look at others' shortcomings? Was I cultivating for others or for myself? I decided to let go of that mindset. When I saw a practitioner not being diligent, I told myself not to be attached to it. He was under Master's care. He would cultivate well. In the end, things that I should have said were left unsaid. I pushed my responsibility onto Master. Eventually, I only cared for myself and was blind and deaf to fellow practitioners' issues.
This issue was always like a lump in my heart. What was the cause of this problem? Because this was related to my cultivation, I had to look within and think about it carefully. I asked myself, "When I spoke of fellow practitioner's shortcomings, what was my mental state?" In order to do the three things well and to make a living, I had to endure hardships everyday, getting up early and coming home late, with little separation between day and night. But some practitioners didn't work that hard. They didn't get up early and wrap up things late. They sometimes did and sometimes didn't do the three things. When I saw that, I even thought that those practitioners were very fortunate! That was it. That was my mental state. I recalled my working days in the past. Some co-workers came to work late and left early and didn't do much work, but they still got their salaries and bonuses. I was an ordinary person back then. Ordinary people don't want to offend others, so no one pointed out those issues. But in private, we would talk about it and felt it was unjust. Actually, I was using this human mindset: "Oh, you didn't cultivate much or endure much hardship, but you are Dafa practitioner. You are not diligent , but you can still reach Consummation." I felt it was unjust. On the surface, the fact that I pointed out fellow practitioners' shortcomings and encouraged them to be diligent seemed to be for their benefit.. But deep in my heart, there lay indignant jealousy: "I gave so much, and you gave so little. How could you be worthy of being a practitioner? How can you be worthy of succeeding in cultivation and obtaining the Tao?" On the human surface, I couldn't tolerate others getting good things, especially when people worse than me got good things. It was, in fact, the attachment of jealousy. Only that it was deeply hidden and hard to detect.
I have finally found this hidden attachment of jealousy. It has been there for a long time. Of course, being attached to that, how was I able to say anything purely compassionate? Could I truly be considerate of others? How could it not cause conflict? Would it get good results? If I had not had that attachment and pursued nothing, I would have said things that were sincere, purely clean, and purely kind. I wouldn't have always looked at others' shortcomings.
I am truly thankful to Master who let me find this very bad attachment, dig it out, and get rid of it. I now feel at ease deep in my heart.