Some Thoughts about the Article “The Way I Handle My Marriage (With Editor's Note)”
(Clearwisdom.net) I have some thoughts about the article “The Way I Handle My Marriage (With Editor's Note)” (http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2007/3/6/83268.html) and I am putting them forward to discuss with everyone. First let me start with a different topic. For women in the world suffering a painful marriage: Some are either due to predestined reasons or because of a lack of experience in dealing with these kinds of situations. There are indeed women who were deceived and in a bad situation. Nowadays in a world overwhelmed with lust, if a practitioner fails to handle things well, he or she may well encounter problems.
In my observation, fellow practitioners with this kind situation are subjected to unnecessary suffering and dilemmas. Here I would like to put forward my thoughts about dealing with this kind of situation for reference.
Assuming that I were a woman, when I encounter this kind of situation, from what aspects should I consider whether to accept or reject his advances? In my opinion, in this special period of time (the period before the conclusion of the Fa rectification), it is most preferable that those with better inborn quality come into Dafa cultivation. There should be no attached condition if one wants to start cultivating. When one says that he will cultivate only after his illness is cured, or after I have let him see the image of gods so that he can start to believe, or after I have agreed to marry him, etc.; all of these people are coming with pursuit, and the person is not sincere about cultivation. To put it more seriously, this is an insult to Dafa. To satisfy these desires is to indulge these incorrect thoughts of potential new practitioners.
Therefore when the opposite sex proposes, "If you accept me, I'll cultivate,” one should explain to him clearly about such a thought and should not make endless concessions. Cultivation should be unconditional. But practitioners have good intentions, and some may have already gotten married to some of the above-mentioned people. In those circumstances, the practitioner can only counsel the other party with proper words, and at the same time, ask Master for help in reducing these difficulties that were created by the practitioners' poor judgment. I hope that everyone can understand this point and not make the same mistakes anymore.
When a fellow practitioner gets married to a non-practitioner for the wrong reasons, it not only increases the difficulties for the practitioner's own cultivation, it may also aggravate the difficulties for Master to save people. Therefore, I hope that fellow practitioners will not do it anymore. By studying the Fa with a peaceful mind and progressing in cultivation, one will be able to gradually look at the issue more clearly. Marriage is for a lifetime. One should not hurriedly deal with it due to pressure or because of what other people may say. One should look seriously at why he or she is getting married.
Moreover, the person concerned should be clear about the principles of the Fa. She should not follow other fellow practitioners' opinions blindly, while one moment pursuing something this way and the next moment pursuing it that way. This issue is quite common among our fellow practitioners and we need to pay attention to it. For example, the practitioner mentioned in the article was rather conceited and also did not cultivate her speech. The more I read that article, the more I felt sorry for her. For example:
(1) "Out of trust I told the situation to fellow practitioner A. To my surprise she was angry and criticized me saying that if I did not have these thoughts there should not have been this kind of thing happening. But I also knew that some people had made her an offer for marriage. These people included a high ranking military officer and a head of the Educational Department, etc.” This showed that practitioner A was unreasonably judging others strictly while not holding herself to the same standards. On this point, I also thought about myself. Sometimes when I see a fellow practitioner’s shortcomings, I can easily get angry. I also need to pay attention to this point.
(2) "After several days, practitioner A told me that I could date him and lead him to start cultivating Dafa. I felt somewhat uncomfortable at the moment and did not know whether it was appropriate. But I admired practitioner A very much and she was one of the coordinators in our city.” To date him, as proposed by practitioner A, actually meant “to seek marriage” with him. Then, how should a practitioner deal with this situation? The person concerned could ask practitioner A that if it was her, how would she deal with the situation? Perhaps in this way she would think about the issue more objectively and with a calm mind.
(3) "Several days later he told me: If you accept me I will jump in (meaning to start cultivating). I told him that he could start cultivating but I still did not agree to date him. He then left. Later practitioner B learned about this and said to me that I had pushed away a person who could start cultivating Dafa, that if he went to date an ordinary person, he would probably lose his chance of cultivating and that he wanted to cultivate together with me, how could I drop my level?" Here, what "practitioner B” had said may have sounded reasonable, but it was not based on the Fa.
Cultivating in Dafa is a serious and sacred matter, and cannot be taken for granted with ordinary people's mentality. Whether one can start cultivating Dafa depends upon his predestined relationship with Dafa from very ancient times, rather than being led into cultivation with the promise of marriage. In a person's many previous lives, he might have developed many ties of gratitude and grievance with other lives, and all these ties could lead to marriage in this life. If a dozen such people, with the excuse of starting to cultivate Dafa, came to our fellow practitioner seeking marriage, should she accept them all? If this kind of situation happened to practitioner B, could practitioner B lead them to start cultivating in Dafa with the promise of marriage?!
Moreover, the fellow practitioner concerned should take more time to study the Fa with a peaceful mind and to view this issue truly based on the Fa, rather than passively accepting other people's words. For instance, "Then, I did not know what to do. At that moment I heard his weeping sound from the corridor (he was not in the apartment) and I thought that it might be his main consciousness crying. This way I agreed to date him.” The practitioner concerned took that as “his main consciousness,” but I do not agree. It might be demons making trouble and trying to disturb her mind. It is true that when the person's main consciousness is strong, she is not easily attacked by the evil spirits. It is often the case that when a person does not know what to do with a disturbed mind, she is more vulnerable to such attacks. It is like Master said,
“You may have seen interference from a relative who has passed away, and this person cries and begs you to do this or that. All kinds of things can happen.” (“Lecture Six” in Zhuan Falun)
Therefore, I think that there were probably other reasons for the weeping sound and the person concerned should not take it lightly.
(4) "At that moment practitioner C mentioned her opinion about this matter: “Dafa practitioners all have families and it is not the case that after one starts to cultivate he does not want family anymore. As long as one can let go of the attachment in mind he/she can pass any test. We then registered for marriage in a short time.” There is nothing wrong with the above statement. However, "Dafa practitioners have families" does not mean that a practitioner must get married or imply that fellow practitioner should marry arbitrarily. For what reason could practitioner C guarantee that the practitioner concerned would “pass any test”? Why didn't practitioner C think about the complexity of the matter? What practitioner C had done can be said as using Dafa as an excuse to behave as a matchmaker, rather than as a fellow practitioner. This is not a trivial matter. Today I am frankly speaking my opinion, not only for the sake of practitioner C, but also to remind fellow practitioners who have not read the Fa with a peaceful mind and who still do not cultivate their speech.
(5) When facing a man's proposal for marriage, a woman does not have to make up her mind on the spot. She can first tell him that she needs time to think about it. If she does not want to accept his proposal, but wants to keep the chance of leading him to start to cultivating in Dafa, she can turn him down politely later on.
At the same time, when talking with him, she should be solemn and respectful; making people respect her but not get close to her sentimentally. This relates to one's cultivation status, and she must be strict with herself. When her mind is calm and righteous, his unreasonable thoughts will be suppressed by her pure field. Moreover, she should remember to send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the lust in his mind. The situations we encounter during our cultivation are not without reason. Things would not happen to us if they are not related to our cultivation. They may come for us to help with cultivation. They may also come to interfere. But during the talk of turning him down politely, she does not need to mention Dafa. She can just talk from an ordinary people's consideration. In other words, we should not force the principles that Dafa practitioners have understood onto non-practitioners. This may cause them to misunderstand Dafa cultivation.
Also, when refusing another’s proposal, one needs to face the issue of how to deal with the other's feelings. If the person who refuses is not firm, the opposite party may feel rejected and he may keep pursuing. How the person being refused takes the rejection is related to his personality, but also related to whether the person who refuses shows sufficient firmness with respect and politeness.