I Found My True Self
(Clearwisdom.net) I started practicing Falun Gong in 1997. Today I would like to share my experience surviving a test of emotions in the past nine months, as well as my recent realizations. I would like to use this as an opportunity for mutual improvement with fellow practitioners.
I have been married for eighteen years and have treated my husband very well. I always save the best things for him and take good care of him. He often said the way I treat him is like his mother deals with him. I have strong emotional feelings for my husband. I often was afraid of him being unfaithful. Sometimes, when he went out with his co-workers, if he came home late I would think: "Was he dating another woman?" He is a driver. It would be very convenient for any woman to date with him in his car. Therefore, when he came home late, I was often upset.
Due to my limited understanding on the Fa and being unable to improve my xinxing from the Fa's perspective, this spring, I found out that he was having an affair with a woman I know. I knew all of these were because of my attachments to sentiment. I was so angry that I was shivering. I only slept for one hour that night. It felt so unfair; I had treated him so well all these years. How could he do something like that? Although I know I am a Dafa practitioner, I acted completely by following human notions. I was unable to control myself. I just could not accept the reality that he had the affair.
Growing up, I have always been a very competitive person. I do not tolerate anyone bullying me. This woman is so blatant and keeps coming to my house for my husband. I cannot stand it. I thought about not letting this affect me, and pretending I did not see what was going on and still treated them well. I tried to follow the standard of the Fa. But I could not do it. I felt I was stuck in the middle. I wanted to follow the cultivation standards but was unable to endure the hardship. I knew it was completely wrong if I would fight with her like everyday people would. I felt suffocated and suffered miserably.
I went in front of Master's picture many times and sadly cried, "Master, I feel so sad. I cannot let this go on. Today my husband let that woman come to my house. That woman even dared to come to my house to be with my husband. I still have to deal with her according to a practitioner's standards. I want to be a true practitioner. But I cannot do it! I know I have to pass this test. But why, Master, have you arranged such a difficult test for me? I would be able to pass any other tests, but this one is so hard!"
I told Master about my suffering and grievance over and over again. Sometimes, I felt that dealing with my husband's affair was even harder than letting go of my life. Then, Master made arrangements with fellow practitioners to help me.
I would feel better for several days when I studied the Fa. But then, when I saw my husband contacting that woman I became furious again. I cried and said things to hurt my husband. Sometimes I felt I was not even as good as an everyday person. I studied the Fa, but I could not control myself. I thought, "Let me be an ordinary person first to hurt them, and then I will be a practitioner again." I knew that was wrong. Afterwards I would be so regretful to have thought like that. I felt I was letting Master and his benevolent salvation down. Several months passed by with me being in this state. I was unable to improve from the standpoint of the Fa.
I thought frequently about Master's teachings,
"It's difficult to practice cultivation, yet very easy to fall. When a person fails a test or can't let go of a strong human attachment, he might reverse himself or go to the opposite side. There are too many lessons in history. Only after having fallen down will a person begin to regret, yet then it's too late." ("Dafa Can Never be Plagiarized" in Essentials for Further Advancement)
Even at the most difficult times I still kept to one thought, "No one can destroy me. I will practice until the end and follow Master home."
In the past nine months, I once lost weight within days. I did not eat well, nor sleep well. I could not study the Fa calmly. I did not practice the exercises that much, not to mentioning the three things. I did not look inward, but always told people around me of my grievance. I forgot about Master's teachings. I always looked for diligent practitioners to help me find a good solution to pass the test. I was actually deviating from the Fa. I was trying to follow somebody instead of following the Fa. I studied the Fa with the purpose of resolving my issues. Sometimes I even thought, "I have been studying the Fa diligently recently. Why haven't they broken up? When is this affair going to end?"
During the most difficult times I even contemplated suicide. But I understand that practitioners can absolutely not commit suicide. I also thought about filing for divorce to avoid the suffering. But, I was afraid of impacting Dafa's image. I knew I should not do that. All in all, my attachment to "self" was super strong!
In the following days, as I was studying the Fa and comparing myself to Dafa, I found many of my human notions, one of them was holding a grudge. I felt betrayed - having treated my husband so well and him being unfaithful to me. Seeing me suffering for several months because of this, he still has not stopped dating that woman. I had the attachment of jealousy - I was jealous of that woman dressing up "wildly and fashionably" and attracting my husband's attention. I then began to pay more attention to my appearance. Competition was another factor. I bought many pretty dresses and bought a brand name motorcycle, better than what that woman had. I also let my desire for revenge take the upper hand and I would sometimes think: "Let retribution happen to them." Deep down I wanted revenge. My strong ego was another notion that emerged, making me sometimes bargain with myself, "If they still respect me and make me happy, I might let them be." How could I think like that? I had failed to realize that all of these were actually not my thoughts!
There was another incident. When my husband went out for dinner I always thought that he must be finding time to date that woman. It turned out that it happened exactly as I anticipated. Once, when I traveled out of town for business I thought, "What happens if that woman comes to my house?" When I came home, I noticed that she had indeed been there.
Sometimes I do realize that I should not have had those thoughts and immediately followed my notions by sending righteous thoughts. As a matter of fact, I had set my own road block and then removed it.
With further Fa-study and fellow practitioners' help I have gradually gained a better understanding of the Fa principles. All of this trouble arose from my attachments. I should focus on Fa-study and send righteous thoughts to eliminate my attachments.
One day a fellow practitioner reminded me, "You should remember that Master told us that notions that are not in line with the Fa are not part of us. You should look for your true self." His words touched me. I thought of many Fa principles - how to clearly identify one's true self. The same night I was still upset when I saw my husband. But I suddenly thought of sending righteous thoughts toward him as well as to myself. After a while I felt better. As I was sending righteous thoughts, I suddenly asked myself the question, "Who am I?" A thought rising from the bottom of my heart replied, "I am a Falun Gong practitioner!" Although I often say this, this time it really came from deep in my heart. It all became clear to me, "Yes, the true me is not the grieved wife in the human world. That 'me' is just a role playing out in drama after drama throughout human history."
I became clear-minded: the true me is the most fortunate life in the universe, a Falun Gong practitioner! The reason for me coming to this world is to validate the Fa and offer sentient beings salvation. My true self does not have anything to do with my current husband or that woman. It is merely that Master used this environment as a means for me to improve and do the three things well. After I realized this I felt so relieved and happy. I understand better what Master said,
"No longer has any contact with the human world, and it is partitioned off by a huge amount of space and time. For example, it might be partitioned off to a time millions or tens of millions of years later. Could you contaminate him, then? He's beyond reach. He might be mere inches away, but the enormous time and spatial differences result in this dimension not being able to interfere one bit with the part of the Dafa disciple that has been successfully cultivated. I am just illustrating the idea--it's partitioned off." ("Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital")
From then on I had found my true self. I could feel that I had emerged from existence in the human world and felt so relieved. I am able to clearly understand relationships among people. I became truly aware of the Fa principle of not being affected by anything in the human world. Because my mind is not in the human world, what happens in this world will no longer impact me.
From then on, when I encounter any issues, I always think first, "Who am I? I am a Falun Gong practitioner!" I once again understand the Fa principle, "What's not a right mind? It refers to a person's inability to always treat himself as a practitioner." (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
No matter what issues we face, we should first position ourselves well and clearly understand that we are practitioners and first find our true selves - practitioners in the Fa-rectification period. I came here to assist Master in Fa-rectification and to offer sentient beings salvation. This is a cultivation environment. I have nothing to do with everything else, except assisting Master in Fa-rectification and saving people.
I have since positioned myself well. I understood that I do not belong to the human world. The beings have their own underlying causes and relationships. Master controls everything around me. Everything exists for me to raise my xinxing. Master will help us resolve the issues benevolently. As I understand from the Fa that no matter what issues or problems we encounter, we should always treat them as good things happening. Now I truly experience the realm of "looking at but not seeing someone close at hand." I felt cultivation is like peeling an onion, layer by layer. The first layer is peeled off. Now I no longer sense I am suffering. Because I have a clear realization of the interpersonal relationship between them and me, I have found my true self. I am just using everything in the human world, using everything in the drama, to validate the Fa. This is a great cultivation environment. Every problem I face is truly a good thing.
I realized that the problems we face are not incidental. I have a profound realization that by working on every opportunity to raise my xinxing level, Master is compassionately and painstakingly taking care of my own salvation.
This is merely my understanding at my current level. Please point out anything inappropriate.