How Hard It Is Giving Up Attachments!
(Clearwisdom.net) It was quite shameful when I thought about it. I had practiced Falun Dafa since 1996 and considered my cultivation to be quite good since I had overcome many tribulations and adversities. However, a recent incident made me realize that I was far behind the requirement of the Fa and that my cultivation was not solid. Fellow practitioners agree that fame, profit and sentimentality do not move our hearts. But the result is quite different when we face a crisis.
It started with a housing issue. I lived in a small house, approximately 30 square meters in size (about 330 square feet). I had always wanted to move to a bigger house and found many reasons to rationalize my thinking, such as it would benefit Fa study and cultivation. During the personal cultivation period of time, I treated this thought as an attachment and controlled it.
I intended to move to bigger house after we were required to leave the old house. My mother-in-law had two sons and four daughters. She owned two houses--the small one we were living in and a larger one. My mother-in-law had told us once that when we moved from the old house, she would give the new house to her sons (my husband and my brother-in-law) and come live with us. I thought that it would be nice that my mother-in-law would have a nice environment to study Fa and practice the exercises. The plan seemed quite good.
However, the situation was totally different when the move happened. My brother-in-law had taken care of one of the houses' transfer fee. The transfer fee of the other house which my mother-in-law had promised to give to us had to be shared between us and all my sister-in-laws.
This change destroyed my hope of all these years, and the sudden change made me feel strongly the unfairness of it all to the extreme. My resentment towards my mother-in-law for breaking her promise also got to me. My demon side was about to explode. I had tried my very best to control myself and kept reminding myself that I am a cultivator, and I recalled what Teacher had told us during the lectures. My heart gradually calmed down. But this deeply rooted notion and attachment tormented me and was a continuous struggle.
While I was reading Teacher's lectures, I sent forth righteous thought at the same time to eliminate these thoughts which I wanted to disown. I also tried my best to do well on the issue of saving sentient beings, and advising people I knew to resign from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). After some time, I became calmer and felt that I had let go of my attachment.
The house in which we still had to live was small. However, because I did not live with my mother-in-law, having to deal with the everyday people's issues was reduced. The cultivation environment was nicer. I could concentrate on doing well what a Dafa practitioner should do during this precious and invaluable period of time.
I began to forget about the house issue, but I clearly noticed that my resentment to my mother-in-law had not completely vanished. I was angry at myself on why I was so uncompassionate after cultivating for so many years. I originally came from a sacred and beautiful world and my heart and soul should be pure and compassionate, so how could I become polluted by the human world? If I could not eliminate this resentment, am I a cultivator? If I could not meet the standard of a cultivator, I would bring loss to Dafa. As a Fa-Rectification period Dafa practitioner, this behavior was just like committing a crime against Dafa. When I thought of this, I felt a little better but not always. I knew my heart was not totally pure and there was an invisible force preventing me from achieving my goal.
Teacher also hinted to me in a dream. In the dream, I adhered closely to something in an under-developed field. I was walking on a path of a steep cliff and always had a tendency to fall. Not only was I in a very dangerous situation, there was someone also pulling my leg. I abruptly woke up from the dream and thought to myself that I had to get over it and not be affected by sentimentality. At this time I read from "The Ukraine Fa Conference" article, the last sentences,
"Be diligent, Dafa disciples! Although in your cultivation it is painful to get rid of your human attachments, this path is a sacred one."
These words encouraged me greatly.
One day, I suddenly received a letter from my mother-in-law which asked us to go and check out the house. The house has finished renovation and we could move in at any time. She told us that she had also put into the house her future medical savings. I immediately refused her offer. After my refusal I questioned myself if I had handled this properly. Will my mother-in-law take the refusal as an implied rejection to live with her? Or should we just accept her offer and let her study the Fa and practice the exercise with us?
Immediately, my attachment to the environment and many other thoughts appeared, such as not wanting to leave the cultivation environment. I really wanted to do good, but why were so many thoughts coming up? The longer I cultivate, my heart seems to become more and more un-calm. I was very frustrated and did not know what to do. Finally, I told myself to stop thinking and just follow Teacher's arrangement naturally.
That same night I received the lecture "Teaching the Fa in Canada, 2006." While reading the lecture, it was just like sitting next to our compassionate Teacher and listening to the Fa. I was embedded in a profound compassionate and harmonious field, and it shook my heart. I could not hold back my tears, the knots in my heart were opened by Teacher, and I felt completely at ease. I knew what I should do. My heart was light and my level was elevating. Words cannot express what I felt about the energy inside me during the exercises. I felt so grateful and blessed to be a disciple of our great and compassionate Teacher. I promised myself that I could not fail Teacher's expectations, and wholeheartedly do well the three things that our Teacher requires of us. I determined to walk well the future path and let my steps be more steady and solid.
I would like deeply bow and Heshi (conjoin hands) to our great, compassionate Teacher!
In the past I felt that my education level was too low and I did not want to write anything, but today I have a strong urge to write about my experiences and share with practitioners. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate. Heshi.