Eliminating My Fundamental Attachment: the Mentality of Dependency
(Clearwisdom.net) It has been exactly ten years since I obtained the Fa. However, due to various kinds of reasoning, my accumulated cultivation time is less than four years. Most of that time was wasted due to attachments that I did not let go. From other practitioners' experience sharing articles I realized that my fundamental attachment still exists. The old forces took advantage of this to interfere with me endlessly, preventing me from being diligent and keeping me in low spirits at this final moment of reaching consummation in order to reach their goal of destroying me. Moreover, in order to become a true Dafa practitioner, it is necessary to dig out fundamental attachments and eliminate them. Then what is my fundamental attachment?
One day, in a dream, merciful Master hinted to me that my fundamental attachment was the mentality of relying on others. Master's hint awakened me, like a golden light, and my mind suddenly became clear. Master said in the article, "Towards Consummation,"
"It isn't wrong for human beings in this world to yearn with these attachments for beautiful dreams and wishes. But a cultivator definitely shouldn't be that way. You may start on the path of Dafa with those thoughts, yet over the course of cultivation you need to regard yourself as a cultivator. During the course of cultivation, however, through reading the books, studying the Fa, and diligently making progress, you should clearly recognize what your thoughts were when you first came to Dafa."
I reviewed my cultivation journey in the past, my initial purpose, and how the mentality of simply relying only on Dafa and not truly cultivating arose.
When I was in school, I had a tendency of relying on others. I also got more attention because of my good scores. I had initially practiced qigong in high school. The purpose was to cure my nearsightedness and have good spirits so I could have a good academic performance and a good future. I became possessed by an evil spirit and was regarded as having a mental disease by others, which brought a series of pain and disasters to my later pursuit of study and brought a huge financial burden to my family in terms of medical costs. Thus, I became afraid of getting close to qigong later on.
In 1996, through a classmate's introduction, I had a chance to read Zhuan Falun. Master's kindly appearance and profound principles suddenly awakened the deepest feelings of my life and genuinely attracted me. Soon I joined an exercise and Fa study class. My goal at that time was not for cultivation and I also did not know the holiness and solemnity of cultivation. I just wanted to have my disease cured and have good health so I could achieve more in ordinary society. Thus my purpose was not pure and I also hid my medical history. Two months later, the evil spirit interfered with me, and I did not conduct myself according to the Fa and my old disease recurred, which brought some negative impact on Dafa and caused huge sin and karma. Later the exercise site asked me to stay away in order to avoid any further consequences. I agreed.
However, in those precious two months, the peacefulness and wonderfulness of Dafa, as well as the pureness of practitioners left me with an unforgettable impression. I experienced this pure land I had been desperately searching for all my life. I felt deep regret that I could not practice it. My family members took away my books. Later, I bought Zhuan Falun, Essentials for Further Advancement and other Dafa books. I read the books whenever I had time.
After the persecution began on July 20, 1999, merciful Master finally gave me a second chance. I was fortunate to have contact with Dafa practitioners and read, "Towards Consummation" and other scriptures in succession, as well as the teachings in the first half of 1999. I felt shocked and realized the urgency of time and preciousness of the opportunity; I decided to restart my cultivation.
Looking at this time of entering Dafa, I now feel that my purpose then was also not truly righteous. It was just like what Master said in "Towards Consummation,"
"Some people think that Dafa is in keeping with their own understanding of science; some people think that it agrees with their own code of conduct; some people think that it speaks to their own dissatisfaction with politics; some people think that Dafa can salvage humankind's degenerate morals; some people think that Dafa can cure their illnesses; some people think that Dafa and Master are righteous, and so on and so forth."
Due to those impure thoughts, I had strong attachments to time and to consummation. I wrongly enlightened to the understanding that the persecution was about to end. Although I did some truth clarification, my thoughts were selfishly based on establishing mighty virtue for myself and I did not want to be left out when the day of consummation arrived. Since I lacked a firm belief and righteous thoughts towards Dafa and Master, I did not truly understand the divine meaning of cultivation under Fa-rectification and I did not consciously want to save sentient beings. I just readily believed others with wishful thinking and did not pay attention to security issues. My relationship with family and work unit leaders was tense and I was in an awkward situation.
Because I did not have clear knowledge on the evil nature of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), I still had some illusions about it, and I even had a thought of hoping to be arrested. Around 2002, I encountered several arrests and home searches by police. They took away my computer and diary. I also suffered from repeated beatings by the police. I was arrested and sent to a forced labor camp in March 2002. In the CCP's hell on earth, I experienced all kinds of physical and mental torture. At the beginning, they hung me from the roof, did not let me sleep, kept me outside in freezing weather, and beat me repeatedly so that I began having hallucinations. The police became nervous after my family members threatened to sue them. After they extorted a large amount of cash (nearly 10,000 yuan, my mother told me this after a long time), they did not torture me so harshly. Since I could not work, the police assigned two drug users to watch me around the clock, keeping other Dafa practitioners from approaching me and keeping me inside. Due to my attachment to sentimentality and the mentality of relying on others, I was deceived by their false kindness. I was clear-minded sometimes and confused other times. Finally, I stepped to the opposite side of Dafa and did many things betraying Master and Dafa. At that time, I felt I so filthy. Whenever I wrote something against Dafa, I felt a layer of my body being removed and I felt extreme pain and unease.
After I returned to society, I was controlled for more than one year by local police and officials. They even wanted me to be their spy and completely destroy me. I could not forgive myself. When my mind was not clear, I gave out information on a practitioner and his past history. This practitioner was forced into destitution and homelessness before I was released. I did not know any other practitioners, and I was afraid of contacting other practitioners.
During this intense period of hardship, I thought hard on the purpose of life. Then I once again visited the Minghui/Clearwisdom website and read Master's articles, including "Let Go of Human Attachments and Save the World's People" and "My Version of a 'Stick Wake-up'". I cried. Soon I began cultivating in Dafa again. I also sent my "Solemn Statement" to Minghui.net showing my determination to begin anew and make up for my mistakes. I began studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts, and trying to clarify the facts.
It was hard to clarify the facts for me, yet it was at least a start. Then the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party came out and Master also published an article on it. In Dafa conferences, Master also pointed out the significance of denying the old forces' arrangements, actively working against the persecution, saving the world's people and dissolving the CCP. When I read the Nine Commentaries, I felt my mind and body were purified, The CCP's evil spirits were eliminated, and the thoughts and notions coming from their culture were completely gone. I felt a kind of relief and understood that the persecution I experienced in the past was due to my unclear understanding on the evil nature of the CCP and the illusion that the CCP would change. Now I firmly believe in Master and Dafa.
I began to persuade my family members and close colleagues to quit the CCP and its affiliations, but the results were not encouraging. I sometimes felt depressed and I found many problems in myself. Since my family members endured huge pain imposed by the persecution, they did not understand me; we could not communicate well and my cultivation environment was basically non-existent. After the fall of last year, I somehow started to become complacent. I was not diligent anymore, did not have any feeling of urgency to save the world's people, did not take initiative to clarify the facts, and did not seriously send forth righteous thoughts - I often could not guarantee four times a day.
Then an article, "Dig Out My Fundamental Attachment" published in the first Internet experience sharing conference among practitioners in Mainland China shocked me a lot. Have I gotten rid of my fundamental attachments? I thought I should write an article that would dig out my fundamental attachment and get rid of it. However, when I began to write, my wife took away my computer keyboard. Nearly a month has passed before I truly started writing. The old forces have really tried all means to interfere.
While I wrote this article, Master's "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles" came out. Since I have already started memorizing the Fa, I have a deeper understanding on the principle of the Fa. During the memorization process, I felt my improvement. After I finished reading the lecture, I finally found the real reason for my not being diligent. I was still so dependent on Master and Dafa, and had a thought that Master would not give me up anyway.
I'd like to share one part of Master's teaching in "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles,"
"Dafa disciples, all the way until their last step to Consummation, will be tested as to whether they can make it. There could be very, very critical tests for you all the way until you are just one step away from finishing. That is because every step becomes more and more critical to your cultivation and your tests, especially toward the end. You know, those lawless gods of the old cosmos will try to maneuver things until the very end, as long as they are still around. When you are not up to par, they will surely try to find a way to bring you down. They know that Li Hongzhi won't abandon you, so they will use all kinds of methods to make you fall. Having just one single thought be off will make a person falter. So the closer it is to the end, the more serious and crucial the tests will be."
Master's teaching woke me up completely! The source of my dependent mentality came from the selfish nature of the old universe. I had sworn before in a prehistoric time to save the world's people and help Master to rectify the Fa. At the final moment, how could I still rely on Master merely for my own consummation? Have I fulfilled my pledge? Merciful Master has endured a lot for me. I must become more and more diligent and fulfill my pledge made in prehistory.
If there is any mistake, please kindly point it out.