(Clearwisdom.net) Fellow practitioners who know me all say that they can sense in me the rock solid belief I have in Dafa. Those who are not very determined in cultivating Dafa become more determined after talking to me. However, in recent days my determination seemed to be wavering. Occasionally a thought would come up, "Can I really cultivate to the end? Can Teacher really bring me back to where I came from?" With this thought, I felt like a big tree with its roots almost pulled out. I was really upset, but couldn't figure out why I had such a thought. I just kept telling myself to remain unmoved by this thought.

One day a similar thought appeared again, "Why should I believe in Teacher?"

While wondering why I had such a thought, I began to find reasons for my belief in Teacher: "My rectal cancer and paralysis all went away after I began to cultivate Dafa. My xinxing has also improved a lot and I no longer get upset about things. What Teacher said in His books all manifested in me. Therefore, I believe in Teacher."

When I clarified the truth, I often said the same thing, "What Teacher said in His books all manifested in me. Therefore, I believe in Teacher and I will not give up cultivation no matter how the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) persecutes Falun Gong." Yet now I suddenly feel very uneasy. Do I really believe in Teacher for these reasons? No.

Then why do I believe in Teacher? Suddenly a very clear thought crossed my mind, "I'm afraid of total destruction of body and mind." Yes, from the very beginning of my cultivation, I had been doing it not to have my illnesses cured, not to gain personal interest in society, nor even to have Teacher protect me when I'm in danger. Instead, I was afraid I might be completely eliminated because of the tremendous karma I built during all my reincarnations.

I was afraid I couldn't endure the pain while being annihilated. During my cultivation, when I made mistakes and couldn't correct them right away, I would think, "It would be terrible if I were completely eliminated. How painful that would be!" Now, looking back, I realize that the purpose of my cultivation was to avoid total destruction.

After studying Teacher's article "Towards Consummation," I became even more aware of my fundamental attachment. Now I ask myself again, "Why do I believe in Teacher?" No reason. I just believe in Teacher. I finally found my belief in Teacher and Fa unwavering. No matter what the evil says, I just believe Teacher, I just follow Teacher because that is the way beings in the cosmos should be.

A while ago, I had some evil thoughts in my mind that I couldn't get rid of. My boyfriend, who is also a practitioner, said, "Is there anything you hold on to and don't want to let go?" His words seemed to have struck me to the core. Something inside me seemed to be so sad that it wanted to cry. Now I know it was this fundamental attachment that wanted to cry after being found out.

Not long ago I had a dream in which we all attended several tests, checking to see our cultivation levels. There were about five or six tests altogether. After the exams were returned to us, we found everyone scored pretty high on all exams except one test. I got 98 points on all tests but one. I only scored 71 points on that test. When I looked at fellow practitioners' tests, they only scored 60 points on that same test. After I woke up, I felt Teacher was hinting to me about something. I must have some deficiencies.

I thought about the 60 points fellow practitioners scored and I suddenly realized that we are not doing well in believing in Teacher and Dafa. During tribulations, practitioners who are able to follow Teacher pass the test of believing in Teacher and the Fa. However, we need a perfect score of 100 points to reach consummation. If we cannot move forward at crucial moments, then we can at most be given only passing grades. I scored 71 points because I was able to step forward to do some seemingly dangerous things in clarifying the truth. But in many other situations I couldn't step forward. Or even if I did certain things, it was with some attachments involved. With such attachments, how can I do things well?

I felt that I had broken through a thick layer after finding and removing my fundamental attachment. My whole body seemed to be basked in immense light and I felt extremely light. I know I can only follow Teacher and do well the three things.

Please point out anything improper.