How I Walked Away from Fear
(Clearwisdom.net) Greetings Master! Greetings everyone!
My name is Zhang Cui. I am a Dafa practitioner who just came to the U.S from mainland China. Today I am going to talk about how I came from China to the U.S. It is also a process in which I have continued to get rid of my fear and all other attachments during the Fa rectification period.
1. Being arrested twice, I clarified the truth, and got out from the detention center with righteous thoughts
After July 20, 1999, I had a strong desire to come to the U.S. It is also an attachment because I was afraid that I could not continue to practice under the relentless suppression in China. I went from Wuhan to the U.S. Embassy in Beijing four or five times, but all my applications for a visa were rejected. During that time, there were numerous disciples, one group after another, going to Beijing to validate the Fa. Many of them were arrested. Frequently other practitioners asked me to go. I said that I was afraid of being put in jail. All my life, I have been frightened whenever I have seen a policeman's uniform. If they arrested me, I would pass out. As soon as I thought about jail and what kind of place it would be, I was scared. I studied the Fa diligently in my home and asked Master to give me strength and help me to break through. I read the entire Zhuan Falun every 2 or 3 days. One day when I was reading, I could not help crying and feeling so sad. I cried for an hour before I could stop. As soon as I stopped crying, I was not afraid any more. I felt so happy and began to smile. From my heart, I was extremely grateful to Master for having removed a mountain of fear from me in the other dimension and replacing it with courage. Yet I was not sure whether going to Beijing was getting political or not. Later, in a moment of tranquility while meditating, I saw the "Lotus Flower Test" three characters. I realized that the lotus flower test symbolized the test of life and death. Master stated in "True Cultivation" that, "Whether you can let go of ordinary human attachments is a fatal test on your way to becoming a truly extraordinary being. Every disciple who truly cultivates must pass it, for it is the dividing line between a cultivator and an everyday person." ("True Cultivation," Essentials for Further Advancement)
I took the hint from Master, and planned to break out during the "sensitive" period. One will be a god if one can let go of the attachment to life and death. Otherwise one will just be an everyday person. When my understanding of the Fa advanced, I shed a layer of fear. I planned to recite Zhuan Falun in order to recall Master's Fa at any time. In March 2000, during the national representative conference, I went to Beijing to appeal for justice for Falun Gong and was sent back to Wuhan. My husband came every day and asked them to let me go home. He asked the officers of the 610 Office, "Which law did she violate? Appealing is a citizen's right; if my wife runs into some trouble in this place, I will not let you get away." The 610 Office people were speechless, but they still refused to release me and wanted to transfer me away secretly. I clarified the truth to them. Before I was transferred, the one who was in charge of transforming me showed great sympathy for me and gave me a lot of help. She told me privately that I was going to be transferred to some place, but she didn't know where. I told her my home address and let her inform my husband. When I was dragged to a police car, my husband came. He asked the 610 Office officials for a reason for the transfer in front of many passers-by. Suddenly many people gathered to listen. My husband spoke very well, and I continuously supported him from my heart. Many people heard the truth. The 610 Office personnel thought they planned the transfer so secretly. They were shocked that so many people knew about it, and they did not know how to deal with it. They could only let my husband talk more. Later they transferred me to a place where many fellow practitioners were imprisoned. I went on a hunger strike and I told the police there, "Starting from today, I am not going to drink any water, or have any food until you let me go home unconditionally."
There were more police and 610 Officers at the new detention center. It was tightly guarded, the gate was locked, and visits from family members were not allowed. There were military training sessions, meetings and brainwashing sessions all day long. I refused to participate in any of those activities. During the military trainings, I did the Falun Gong exercises; when a meeting was held, I lay down to sleep. One day, a police officer came into my room and said, "Why are you staying in bed? If you are brave, you should come downstairs to participate in the study (brainwashing)." I thought lying down like this would not be right. I came down to the big conference room, where everyone looked at me, and the police as well as the 610 officers were whispering. I cleared my throat a little and started to recite Master's Lunyu loudly. All of the practitioners in the conference room joined me and recited together. Our voices were very loud and clear, and vibrated throughout the entire building. Nearly all the policemen on site rushed in and pushed me into a small room. From then on, they cancelled the military training sessions and the meetings.
They kept me inside a room. When I ran out of the room, they would try to catch me. I ran downstairs where many policemen were sitting and enjoying the sun. I said to them: "You guys are so young, but can you run up and down like me an old lady, after having no food and water for a week?" They said, "We'll accept the defeat honestly. We would be so hungry and faint even without having food for just one day." I said, "This is the superior and miraculous manifestation of Dafa. I almost died before I practiced, and now you all see with your own eyes that I am filled with vitality without food and drink after many days. Why won't you let us practice such a good Gong? Why do you have to arrest good people?" Some of them said, "It's an order from our superiors, and we don't have a choice." Some said, "This Gong is indeed marvelous; maybe they all will become gods." I knew that they all understood that Falun Dafa was good in their hearts but just could not speak the truth. Two days later, a policeman from my local police station came and said that I would be transferred to another place because I was a troublemaker. Meanwhile my husband was waiting outside and took me home. My husband said that he went to the local police station every day and asked them to release me. The police held a two-day urgent meeting and decided to release me. Actually I knew that this was made possible with the encouragement of Master and the righteous thoughts and actions of a disciple. Thanks to Master!
In 2001, I was arrested for passing out Dafa articles and materials. They took away all the materials, books and my passport. The next day, my husband went to the U.S to attend our son's graduation ceremony. At that time I thought that now I was alone in China and did not have other things to worry about. I wanted to save those criminals and the prison guards who I was able to contact. After I clarified the truth to them, they transformed from informants to Falun Gong practitioners. They understood that Falun Dafa was good. After seeing them be saved, I thought that even if I were taken in alive and dragged out dead, I would still be smiling. Meanwhile, my husband and my children told the U.S. media my story. The story became a good way to clarify the truth. With help from friends and relatives, I was unconditionally released again. I was the only Falun Gong practitioner released from the entire detention center. I realized that it was the result of the rescue efforts of overseas practitioners, and it put enormous pressure on the evil forces. It was also the result of our truth clarification efforts both inside Mainland China and overseas. We are one body and it is like a sharp sword shooting out. Master said that the old forces dare not stop Dafa disciples from clarifying the truth. As Master said,
"As Dafa disciples tell people the facts,
It's like sharp swords shooting out together from their mouths,
Shredding apart the rotten demons' lies.
Lose no time and save them, hurry up and tell them."
("Hurry Up And Tell Them")
2. I eliminated the fear and stepped forward to save a vast number of predestined people
After returning home, I seldom went out due to my desire for ease and comfort. Gradually the fear became stronger and stronger, and I was afraid of being arrested, as well as leaving a blemish on my cultivation path and so forth. My family members and friends were all worried that they would arrest me again. Among them, there were two friends who knew the truth. One was a cadre from the brainwashing center, who said to me, "Don't go out. You are a big target. You can make things at home and wrap them with a piece of red paper and we will help you pass them out. If we are caught, then we can just say that we picked them up from the ground and we are not Falun Gong practitioners." For a fairly long period of time, I made items to clarify the truth and let ordinary people circulate them. However, I hid at home in fear. I was quite happy for them, yet also quite ashamed of my inferior behavior compared to these ordinary people.
In 2003, when my husband was hospitalized for a critical illness, I made contact with many people. I thought that I absolutely could not miss such an opportunity. On the surface they came to visit patients, but actually they came to hear the truth. I knew I must save them. I told them the facts in a way suitable for their understanding and helped them firmly remember that Falun Dafa was good. I had them recite, "Zhen-Shan-Ren is good; Falun Dafa is good," every day from their hearts. During that time, many people, including men providing telephone service, the vegetable sellers, the store staff, and the hospital personnel all were reciting those words every day. I felt happy for their salvation. On July 5, 2003, my husband passed away. How could I handle this? I was not brave and was afraid to stay home alone. I planned to move, but wherever I moved, the police also followed. I moved around and finally moved back. Since I dared not stay at my home, I stayed at a neighbor's house. By then, my elder sister decided to take me to her home. She was afraid that I would be taken away again and was watching me all day long. My sister was living in a very good environment, but there was pain in my heart. I went out and found a voluntary cooking job. The rice that I cooked the first time was all burnt and sticky. More than 20 business owners were shaking their heads while eating the rice. The only good thing was that I did not ask for money and was also courteous. At that time I was thinking that I definitely should learn to do it well. I came here so that these people could obtain the truth. They also had many people connected with them. I had to make friends with them and let them witness the image of a Falun Gong practitioner, and to realize whatever was said on TV was all fabricated.
This place was a big fruit wholesale site. There were more than 20 wholesale business partners there, from the beginning of the year to the end, to wholesale the seasonal fruits. The big boss was a woman. She went to the northeast to shop for goods and let me take care of the site. In addition to taking care of these partners, I also had to help manage the business as well as the cats and dogs. Strangely, the business was extremely good, and the boss's husband said happily, "All this fortune was brought in by Sister Zhang. My business has never been so good." I knew that it was Master's arrangement to have more people come here to learn the truth.
People always talked about Falun Gong during their meals. They said that the TV programs lied irresponsibly all day long. It described Falun Gong as something with ferocious fangs and gnarling claws in addition to a green face. "Look at Sister Zhang, see how nice she is!" Then I would tell them that I did not behave as well as they said and that many good people who practiced Falun Gong were locked up in jails, where they were tortured and even persecuted to death. Hearing this, people would defend Falun Gong against the injustice from the bottom of their hearts. They swore at Jiang and spoke out justly for Falun Gong. Although I was exhausted and tired being a cook here and I even had to pay for my own living expenses, I stayed in order for them to really know Dafa and to have a good future. I truly experienced the happiness of, "Let joy be found in hardships." I was very tired and hurt my back, and I obviously lost a lot of weight. My sister felt sorry for me. She and her children did everything to keep me from going back there to work again. I observed that these people all knew Dafa was good, and I prepared to go to other places. I thus took the opportunity and quit my job.
No matter how nice my sister's family was, I was not willing to stay there. I rented a room in a substandard housing quarter, which was just like the one in the movie "72 tenants." We shared the restroom and the kitchen. It was dirty and smelly. I started to do public sanitary service. The restroom, sewer, stairway, and hallway at last looked brand-new. I persisted in doing the work day after day. The "72 tenants" all praised me as a good, hard worker. They were all happy to get acquainted with me. It was exactly why I moved there. I would like to give the following examples: Once at midnight, a thief tried to pry open my door. I exerted all my strength to bang on the door, yet he continued to pry open the door. My neighbors heard the noises and turned on all the lights in the hallway. The dogs were also barking. The thief then left.
The next day, we gathered together and talked about the thief. I learned that thieves came there often. They told me not to fear and said that if I came across this again I should tell the thief that I was even poorer than he was and all my family members were laid off without food. They said that sometimes the thief would use a flashlight to look into the room. The police department did not take care of it. I told them that the police department would only arrest good people; they would arrest Falun Gong practitioners who practiced "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance." As a result, they conducted a lively discussion on the evil and corruption in society.
By that time I had already thrown off the police. I felt that it was too slow to clarify the truth like that, and thought about going out to distribute truth-clarifying materials. I also felt that I saved too little money just by being thrifty. I thought about being an entrepreneur. I thought a lot at the time of moving and about having truth-clarifying material sites spring up everywhere. I thus asked my relative to help me with a loan of 10,000 Yuan. I rented a place and opened a business. In the evenings, I went out to distribute materials. It was the moment that I dreamed about and yet was also afraid of. Going out the first time, I continually sent forth righteous thoughts. I followed fellow practitioners and observed how they did it. I had difficulty extending my hands out. As soon as I extended my hands, it seemed that all eyes were staring at me. I retracted my hands quickly. After hearing "Be quick!" from practitioners ahead, I shivered and the materials were scattered all over the ground. I distributed the materials while picking them up in a hurry; I was in such an awkward state. After passing out all of the materials and returning home, I felt light and happy, as if a heavy load was off my shoulders.
3. Doing the Three Things well; I got back my passport in a dignified manner
I did the three things every day after that. I became more mature and more and more handy at doing things. We experienced a shortage of materials and of funding. We often gave the opportunity of distributing materials to others. I thought that it would be great if only my business could be profitable. I knew that people in the same trade were all young and strong. They rode everywhere on a motorcycle every day, and it was still hard for them to make a profit. I could not even ride a bicycle and could only wait at home all day. "Who would come to me?" It was indeed very strange; there really was business coming to my door. I easily earned 6,000 Yuan. It happened that a fellow practitioner came over to borrow 6,000 Yuan from me the next day. She told me that she would like to establish a family truth-clarifying material site. "Isn't that what I'm thinking of?" I gave her the money and said to her, "If you are thinking about returning the money, then just use the money to establish another site." The following day, I earned another 5,000 Yuan. A few days later, a fellow practitioner who I had not seen for several years and was forced to become homeless came over. She said that she wanted to borrow some money to rent a room and to make truth clarifying CDs. It was again what I would like to do. It was too miraculous. It was actually arranged by Master. The third time, I earned 60,000 Yuan. Those young men of the same trade looked at me with new eyes. They rushed over to take me, the expert, who could not ride a bicycle, to make business deals everywhere on motorcycles. I told them that I knew nothing about business, yet nobody believed me. I felt happy inside as it was much better than trying to save money like before, and the truth-clarifying material sites could all run normally.
I knew I took the right path and my fear wore off quite a bit. Later, I thought about going to the Wuhan foreign affairs office to clarify the truth. I wanted to regain my rights as a citizen and ask for my passport back. I went to apply for the passport and brought the truth-clarifying materials with me. I thought that if they would create any difficulties for me, it would be an opportunity to clarify the truth. Due to my strong righteous thoughts, I got my passport without any trouble.
While I was busy with my business and doing the three things on top of it, I worried about my application for a visa being rejected. I already got my passport, and I did not want to go to the American Embassy to apply for a visa. My son was anxious and asked me why I put in so much effort to get a passport. I said that I wanted to regain my citizen's rights. My daughter in law said, "Mom, there are so many elderly practitioners clarifying the truth in New York." I was moved and wanted to go to New York. I discussed that with fellow practitioners. The odds were against me; I had been refused a visa four times already. I wondered if it was the old forces' arrangement, and they all agreed that it was. If it was the old forces' arrangement, then I definitely need to negate it and should break away from it.
Often I would cling to my human notions, thinking my chances were not good and lacked righteous thoughts. This time I made up my mind that I would negate the existence of the old forces themselves. I thought, "Whatever the old forces say doesn't count; only what Master says counts."
The day I arrived at the embassy, the majority of requests for a visa were refused. I sent forth righteous thoughts continually and would not allow the officers to create difficulties for me. Almost all the people in front of me were refused. I simply kept sending forth righteous thoughts, eliminating the interference from the evil. When it was my turn, the officer indeed did not make trouble for me. He asked me how long my son had not been back home. I answered, "Eight years." He then asked why he didn't come back. I answered, "He practices Falun Gong, and he will be arrested if he comes back." The officer smiled after hearing this. The following question I did not understand, I simply answered, "Yes." Due to my southern accent, the officer could not understand me properly and misinterpreted it as "four." They intended to ask me how many times I had been refused. It happened that it was four times. It was not actually a coincidence. "It was Teacher who protected me!" as said in Zhuan Falun.
Since information about Falun Gong practitioners was all stored in the computers, I was on the "black list" created by the CCP. As soon as they checked my passport, they would have known that I was a Falun Gong practitioner, and would not let me pass. Similarly, I kept sending forth righteous thoughts when undergoing the customs examination. Fellow practitioners overseas were also strengthening me at the same time. All a sudden, the person who was checking my passport received a private call. He talked for a long time. He returned the passport to me without even looking at it, yet the people in front and behind me were checked over and over and were questioned again and again. With Master's benevolent protection, I smoothly passed the last test.
Upon arriving in America, I stayed in New York for over one month. Every day from 5 a.m. to 12 p.m., I was devoted to the three things. It was the time that I felt happiest. I realized that it was an opportunity that Master gave us and encouraged us elderly practitioners to catch up with the Fa-rectification process.
Now I have come to Chicago and reunited with my son and his family. I cherish this gathering again after a long separation with numerous trials and hardships. I have walked on the fine path Master arranged for me. It was Master who brought me forward with painstaking efforts. If it were not for Master, not only would I have lost my life long ago, but also I would have lost the chance to keep up with the Fa-rectification process. I have no words to express my gratitude to Master for your benevolent protection. Thank you Master! Thank you all overseas fellow practitioners for the rescue.