Cultivating in Dafa and Finding My True Self
Greetings dear Teacher. Greetings fellow practitioners.
I am a practitioner who obtained the Fa in August 2003. The moment I understood what Dafa is, I realized that this is the piece of pure land I have been looking for throughout the ages. I made an oath to Teacher, saying that no matter how hard my cultivation path was, I would negate the old forces arrangements and only follow the cultivation path arranged by Teacher. I promised to take firm and steady steps towards my true self with the help of Teacher.
Prior to my practice, I always wanted to be "better" than others in everything I did. However, fate wasn't as I had expected it to be. I became a manager of a marketplace when I was 30 years old, and this led me to spend all my time pursuing personal fame and gain. I even neglected to pay attention to my husband and he ended up leaving me, and taking all of our belongings with him. I sued him, a lawsuit which took nearly two years, and was finally able to recover the right to have "my portion" of our material belongings. But after re-considering, since he had full custody of our child, a seven year old boy, I eventually didn't take anything.
After the divorce, I set a goal for myself. The goal was to own a one-story house. I realized my first goal very quickly. My next goal was to get a multi-level house. In less than three years, my second goal was realized. My third goal was to own a two-story business building and then retire at the age of 40. I was struggling in this battle which I had set up for myself. I lived an extremely tough life. While fighting to obtain personal fame and gain, I developed all kinds of illnesses, including a deficiency of blood supply to my brain, high blood pressure, high blood fat content, breast problems, migraines, etc. I had to carry medicine with me at all times. After practicing Dafa, not only did I recover from the illnesses, I also found the true meaning of life and my true self. Gradually I took everything lighter regarding personal fame and gain, changing from a totally selfish person to one who cared about others first. Along this path I frequently adjusted my actions according to the requirements for a practitioner.
In the beginning, I only knew two practitioners. Practitioner B was my elementary school classmate. She obtained the Fa one year earlier than I did. Practitioner A was a school teacher that was very diligent in his practice. In fact his whole family practiced Falun Dafa. Therefore, when we ran into something we did not understand, practitioner B and I often went to practitioner A to ask for help. He would discuss things with us based on his insights from the Fa, and he encouraged us to study the Fa more with a calm mind, which helped us to improve very quickly.
One day, he was suddenly seized at his home by the police, and was illegally sentenced to three years in a forced labor camp. After being imprisoned for 10 months, he was released because of his strong righteous thoughts. Yet when this occurred, practitioner B and I were shocked. We realized that it was the old forces' intention to threaten us, and to block us from becoming Dafa disciples during the Fa-rectification period. We were not frightened because we were practicing "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance," we were practicing the most righteous Fa and we did nothing wrong. However, because practitioner A was taken away, we lost contact with some other practitioners and were no longer able to receive Teacher's new articles and Minghui Weekly (the Chinese language version of Clearwisdom.net, in digest format).
I asked for Teacher's help to find some other practitioners. The next day when returning home, I ran across the younger brother of my middle school classmate. I knew that he was a Dafa disciple because he had clarified the truth to me before. I felt a flash in my heart and I knew it was Teacher's arrangement. I told him about our situation. The next day, he came to see me together with two elderly practitioners. From then on, these two practitioners constantly supplied us with Teacher's articles and "Minghui Weekly," no matter whether it was raining or storming, and we also joined them to distribute truth clarification flyers.
When I was posting a "Falun Dafa is Good" banner for the first time, I had just learned how to send forth righteous thoughts. While I was silently reciting the Fa-rectification verses, I still carried the notion of fear. When I was applying the adhesive onto the wall, I glanced both right and left, worrying about being seen by people. Just then, I heard the sound of footsteps on an upper level floor, therefore I hurriedly posted the banner on the wall and walked away. The next day, when I went back to check on the banner, I felt so awful because the banner was posted crookedly and it looked very poor. I asked myself: "What did you do? Were you simply trying to complete the assignment? Were you afraid of being unable to be a Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period?" I had such strong selfish and fearful notions. How great and magnificent are Dafa disciples in the Fa-Rectification period! Their mission is to assist Teacher with the Fa-rectification and to offer salvation to sentient beings.
Notions of selfishness and fear are interference from the evil. It was karma that interfered with my cultivation practice. I started to enhance my Fa study and sending forth righteous thoughts. My mind gradually became clear during the process of doing the three things Dafa disciples are supposed to do. I remembered our mission of saving sentient beings, and was able to clarify the truth righteously. Only a practitioner knows just how dignified, merciful and sacred this mindset is.
After working with these two practitioners for more than four months, another practitioner called and told me that both of them were taken away by the police. In less than two months, one of them was able to successfully get out of prison with righteous thoughts. After practitioner B and I learned about the arrests, we contacted other practitioners in order to share understandings and participated in the rescue efforts.
Through this rescue effort, I met a few more local practitioners and learned from them that the three practitioners who were arrested were listed as key members by the authorities. Moreover, they were involved in many important Dafa projects. I then thought that I wasn't known by the evil, and Teacher arranged for me to obtain the Fa at this moment. I knew that I should fulfill my mission as I too was a Dafa particle. It would be much safer for me to do many things rather than letting others be exposed. In my mind, I told Teacher about my thoughts and said, "As long as Dafa needs me, I would like to put forth all my efforts."
Not long after I had this desire, a local coordinator found me and asked me whether I could set up a family truth clarification materials production site. I agreed without hesitation. I bought a computer and a printer using my savings, and quickly learned the basic printing operations. In the meantime, other practitioners introduced me to more practitioners in our area. They all told me that they had a shortage of materials in their regions. After I told our local coordinator about this situation, I naturally took over the task of printing and transporting the materials to these two regions. I knew that everything was arranged by Teacher.
After starting to print truth clarification materials, I was somewhat excited and developed a showoff mentality. I felt so good knowing that I was able to help so many fellow practitioners by supplying them with truth clarification materials. In the meantime, I wasn't very rational. I did not have a deep understanding of rationality at that time. In fact this limitation was so bad that I could not communicate with anyone very well on a personal level. This behavior caused another practitioner to be suspicious and suspect me of being a spy. I understand that this practitioner was being responsible to the Fa, as my actions were not righteous. I asked Teacher: "Don't let this practitioner start asking around about me. Since many people do not know me, it makes it safer for me to work at the materials production site. As practitioners, we should always be in the Fa, be strict with ourselves, and absolutely have righteous thoughts and righteous actions. On the other hand, I don't know too many practitioners, and this investigation would expose me." Later, I found the coordinator, who called that practitioner and resolved the problem.
Initially, I produced the materials and then took them to the countryside. A coordinator said that this method didn't conform to what Clearwisdom.net had suggested, and that it posed a potential security risk. After a discussion, we decided that I would complete the materials and then pass them on to practitioner B. Then two other practitioners could take them from practitioner B's place separately. We safely operated this way for about a year. One evening practitioner B's husband suddenly called and told me that practitioner B had been taken away by four policemen around 4:00 p.m. that afternoon. I asked him whether he knew why. He said that he had not been home yet and it was his neighbor who told him about it. Because I had been at practitioner B's place that very morning I realized the seriousness of the matter. Practitioner B had told me that practitioners from another region were supposed to come for the materials but hadn't showed up yet. I myself had also written a letter for that region's practitioners and had inserted it into the materials. I adjusted my mindset, sent forth righteous thoughts immediately and asked Teacher for help not to let that letter fall into the wrong hands.
After sending forth righteous thoughts, I immediately went and notified the coordinator, because we were not clear about why practitioner B was seized at that time. (Practitioner B was able to get out of prison 15 days later with strong righteous thoughts). Although I frequently communicated with practitioner B, I was not concerned about my personal safety. My very first thought was to immediately transfer the materials production site. At that time, I had already learned how to access the Internet and how to make VCDs. We added another notebook computer and two printers to the materials production site. The materials production site was the bridge and connection point to save sentient beings, and we definitely wouldn't let it be damaged by the evil. With the help of several practitioners, all materials and the equipment were safely moved out around 11:00 p.m. that night.
I didn't go home that night. Instead I went back to the empty room of the materials production site. I was sitting in retrospection and was not able to sleep the entire night. I opened "Zhuan Falun," looked at Teacher's picture and cried: "Teacher you let me do such sacred work, yet I didn't cooperate well with fellow practitioners. I apologize to Teacher, and to fellow practitioners, and I am sorry if I did not fulfill all sentient beings' hopes." Because practitioner B was my best classmate in elementary school and obtained the Fa at almost the same time as I did, my attachment to qing surfaced. I deeply rebuked myself and became very emotional. I couldn't calm down to study the Fa or send forth right thoughts. I also complained to other practitioners because I thought that they didn't actively rescue our fellow practitioner. Around the same time, another older practitioner was seized by the police and persecuted to death in just over 10 hours.
In fact all practitioners were very busy exposing the persecution and working on rescuing practitioner B. Every evening I took a cab to a place close to where practitioner B was detained and sent forth righteous thoughts, but due to my attachment to sentimentality, the effect wasn't as good as it could have been.
One day I kneeled down in front of Teacher's picture and said: "Teacher, where did I go wrong? Why are practitioners near me frequently illegally arrested?" I then heard a humming sound in my brain, saying: "Study the Fa, study the Fa, study the Fa." It was as if I had awakened from a dream. It was the great mercy of Teacher which had been protecting me all along. I realized that for a long time I felt that I was very diligent in doing the "three things" actively. Moreover I hardly slept or ate when producing the materials, because during the daytime I had to handle my personal business, so the time was very tight. Yet I had a strong notion of doing work and was worried about being left behind, and being unable to catch the opportunity to become a Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period. This was a horribly "selfish" notion. Could one reach consummation with such a notion? In addition, I wasn't able to concentrate when studying the Fa. Mostly I would read the Fa or listen to a Fa lecture tape while operating the printing machine. I also did not do very well in performing the exercises. I did not feel that I was responsible to our compassionate Teacher.
The incident of practitioner B being imprisoned awakened me. Now every day, I put all of my energy into making truth clarification materials. I also concentrate on studying the Fa and sending forth righteous thoughts. I know that all the computers, the printers and VCD drivers, including the paper and the ink I am using are all for the Fa. Therefore, every day I think about the following while sending forth righteous thoughts: "Let's assimilate to Dafa, fulfill our prehistoric vows, assist Teacher's Fa-rectification, and offer salvation to all the ones with predestined relationships."
I know that I am still far from reaching the standard of "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance," but I am rectify myself according to the Fa in every moment. Our Teacher has suffered too much for His disciples and for all sentient beings. Every one of us should truly assimilate to the Fa, and let every Dafa particle shine in order to repay our Teacher's merciful salvation.
(The Second Mainland China Internet Experience Sharing Conference)