Return to Your Original Self and Step Away from The Old Forces' Arrangements
(Clearwisdom.net) Looking back over my years of cultivation, and given my strong unshakable righteous belief in Dafa, Teacher has looked after and guided me through all the difficult times. Although sometimes I stumbled and I still have fundamental attachments that I need to eliminate, I firmly believe that with Master and Dafa, I will continuously be purified. I will fulfill my mission and responsibility as a Fa-rectification disciple, just as I vowed in the historical past.
1. Attaining the Fa
In 1996, I borrowed Zhuan Falun, but my husband refused to let me read it. My husband has attained a high and respectable academic status, is an expert on facts that prove science and is also a high-ranking officer. He considered qigong a superstition. He thought Traditional Chinese Medicine doctors were quacks and denounced their practice as unscientific. My husband resisted firmly my practicing Falun Gong at the beginning of my cultivation.
Out of curiosity, I secretly read Zhuan Falun. When I got to the second half of the book, I suddenly felt something turning in my belly. I told myself, "Oh my God, what the book says is really true! I got a Falun!" But I had to keep it secret from my husband because he would say that I was crazy. I decided to secretly learn Falun Gong. I made up the excuse that I was learning Taijiequan, because at that time my work unit was organizing a Taijiquan competition. My husband agreed. Soon after, he discovered that I was practicing Falun Gong at the practice site in our work unit. I knew that a practitioner should tell the truth, and I had originally decided to tell him that I would like to practice Falun Gong, but, he was unhappy about it and had lost his temper several times. My husband had a quick, strong temper, and when he lost his temper, he didn't care about his surroundings. I was just the opposite. I was very good at enduring hardship and being very tolerant. However, I would not give in on the issue of cultivation. In the end, he relented and told me to practice it for good health but to practice it only at home. I could not meet with any other practitioners and was not allowed to read the Fa.
I began my cultivation under these adverse conditions. I practiced the exercises at home and made use of all my spare time at work to study the Fa. I diligently followed the Dafa principles. After practicing for three months, my heavenly circuit was opened. I suddenly had become healthy and very strong. For the first time I was without any illness. I also experienced many supernormal phenomena and feelings. I was so happy to have attained Dafa.
2. Going to Beijing to Appeal
Beginning on July 20, 1999, the persecution of Falun Gong began. Because of the slander and lies, my family did not allow me to practice Falun Gong.
No matter how tough the situation, my righteous belief in Dafa was not shaken. After continued fights with my family and because of the unprecedented influence by the evil, I had to practice and study the Fa secretly. Because of Teacher's compassion, I was able to practice the exercises and study the Fa secretly. It was perhaps very "safe" if I continued to practice this way, but I wanted to go to Beijing and appeal for Dafa. This wish became stronger every day. Dafa had given me so much, I could not just remain at home. I had to speak up for Dafa when it was slandered. In May 2000, when my husband was on a business trip, I purchased a ticket and flew to Beijing.
The day I arrived at Tiananmen Square, I told the on duty soldier the purpose of my trip and asked for the appeal office address. I told him how I had benefited from practicing Falun Dafa and that Falun Dafa is good. He brought me to a police car and said that this car would take me to the appeal office. Instead, I was taken to the police station and from there I was taken to and detained in our local police office in Beijing. Two days later, my work unit office in Beijing took me in. (I have already submitted my experience-sharing paper, "Going to Beijing to validate Dafa," on the Clearwisdom website.)
At that time, my husband was on a business trip in Beijing. He was extremely angry when he saw me. I was told that my appeal had caused a great commotion at my work, because it was a "sensitive" time. (The day after I went to Beijing was Teacher's birthday. On that day, thousands of practitioners traveled to Beijing from all over the country.) The security bureau had specially come to our unit to have a meeting with all middle level employees. During the meeting, I was considered the most problematic one among those who had gone to Beijing to appeal. It meant that I should be punished severely. At that time a change in the upper level management was imminent. The in-fighting and competitive struggles were extremely complex. Some people took the opportunity to create a commotion and inquired if my husband had taken me with him to Beijing.
After I retuned home, all my relatives, except my mother who was too sick to get out of bed, including my father, brothers and sisters, came to my home. All of them accused me of "causing trouble for everyone," of "abandoning my husband and son," and of having "a lack of conscience." But when they talked disrespectfully about Dafa and Teacher, I told them, "Falun Dafa saves sentient beings. You cannot swear at Dafa. It is not good for you and you will receive retribution." Under the influence and control of evil and human notions, my highly educated husband and one of my brothers yelled crazily, "Even if Falun Gong is redressed by the government, we will fight it to the end. We will go on TV and have an open debate." Then all of them pushed me to apologize to the respective department. That night, my family cried, swore at me, hit me, and knelt down to beg me. This lasted until midnight and all of them were exhausted. When they saw that I was not moved, they finally concluded, "We should send her to a mental hospital and just tell the security bureau that what she has done was due to insanity." My father said, "She would suffer too much in the mental hospital. I will take her home and hide her."
At dawn the next morning, my father took me in his car to his house. The following morning, my father received a phone call from my husband. He ordered my immediate return to the office and claimed that the security bureau was looking for me. My husband also cried and said that he could not sleep the entire night because I was not at home. He could not live by himself. (My son had gone elsewhere to work.)
My father took me home. My husband held my hand and cried like a child. He said that many people in the unit had paid attention to this incident and he did not expect that so many people held such a good impression of me. He was flabbergasted that they held me in such positive regard, something he had not expected to hear. Many unrelated department heads also said, "We have to help her, her problem is our problem." A few department heads came to see me and were concerned about me. At the same time, they advised me, "A smart person should not confront others. Just say you are sorry and get it over with. You can still practice later." At that time I did not have a very clear understanding of clarifying the truth. But to validate Dafa, I told them that what they had heard on TV were lies. I told them how I had benefited from practicing Dafa and how good our Teacher is. When I talked about how our Teacher was unjustly accused, I could no longer control my tears. They all became silent and stopped trying to persuade me.
I arrived at the police station and saw that the security department director and police were waiting. I only held one thought: Regardless of what punishment I received (the minimum punishment for going to Beijing to appeal is detainment, and they do not allow a person to leave unless he or she signs the guarantee statement), I was determined not to say anything that was not in my heart. I would tell them that I would steadfastly cultivate Dafa to the very end! It might be that Teacher had seen in my heart my determination and helped me, because the police casually chatted with me about daily matters and did not ask anything about my going to appeal in Beijing. But I wanted them to understand that Dafa is good and so I talked about going to Beijing to appeal. I told them how my body and mind improved after practicing Falun Gong and the purpose of my going to Beijing to appeal. After I finished, one of the policeman said, "Oh, that is the reason. This is fine." He got up and shook my hand and took me to the door.
On the way home, the two people who had taken me there told me, "That police officer was so courteous. Last time when we brought two Falun Gong practitioners who had gone to Beijing to appeal, he was nasty and tried to make them renounce Falun Gong in writing. He had prepared a written record and fingerprinted them. Then he had them taken to a detention center."
I did not expect to return home. On the surface, it was the ordinary people helping me, but in reality I knew that it was Teacher who looked after me and helped ease my tribulation.
3. Starting a Practice Site Environment
We have to create our own cultivation environment. After I returned home, I firmly told my husband that from now on I would resume my daily exercise practice.
He and my relatives were happy about my safe return, but after hearing that I wanted to practice the exercises, they became nervous. My husband hit me in front of my father and sister. Instead of stopping him, my sister said, "You deserved it! You are lacking conscience, and my brother-in-law treated you rightly. Because of you, he did not mind losing his job, yet you still are trying to hurt him. You should realize that he has not eaten or slept well over the past few days. He suddenly looks old. You have become ruthless after practicing Falun Gong and you still insist on practicing it." My husband covered his heart with his hand, breathed heavily, and his body shook. He said, "I give you my life, you will get your long life. After I die, my ghost will come to haunt you. I will definitely not let you go." I had answered with one sentence and they had scolded me with ten sentences. Those days held the biggest tribulations of my life.
During that time, to make me give up cultivation, my husband made sure that I saw his suffering during the night. If I slept, he would kneel beside my bed and kowtow (a gesture of kneeling on the floor and bowing the head to the floor). He claimed that if I did not give up cultivation, he would not stop kowtowing. I tried to persuade him not to do this. He did not listen and even kowtowed faster and harder. I just ignored him. He continued to kowtow until he almost fainted. He used both sweet and harsh tactics to try to make me stop exercising. His body and mind went to the extreme. After he saw that I would let go of everything except cultivation, he conceded. He said that it was fine to do the exercises daily. Other than that, however, he would not allow.
As I have mentioned above, I achieved my right to do the exercises at home. I began to foster my cultivation environment.
4. Clarify the Truth, Send Forth Righteous Thoughts
My husband was afraid that I might be in danger. Therefore, he took away my identification card and invited my parents to live with us, so that they could keep an eye on me. At the time, I was already retired. I went to work with my second sister for half a day, and then I had to stay at home. It was as if I was under house arrest.
Around that time, Teacher published the first article after the persecution had begun. Fellow practitioners began to clarify the truth. There was a shortage of truth-clarifying materials, so I hand-wrote flyers and posted them on my way to and from work. I posted them along the road or in residential buildings. Later, I started to distribute flyers. If I didn't have enough flyers, I just wrote them myself. I prepared about two thousands flyers and distributed them on the streets and dormitories in our area. I noticed that people read the flyers and passed them around, which encouraged me. I began to distribute flyers everywhere, ignoring my safety. As a result, the evil took advantage of my attachment to doing things.
By then, my parents had returned home. I had half a day to myself, which I used to finish my housework, study the Fa and do the exercises. (Whenever my husband was at home, I had to keep him company and do everyday people's things.) Now and then I ran out of time because I wrote flyers instead of studying the Fa.
One day in 2002, I distributed flyers on a street I normally did not visit. I noticed that this street was closely guarded, because Jiang Zemin, the Chinese leader who started the persecution of Falun Gong, was at a meeting in a nearby provincial government building. Police on motorcycle patrols were everywhere.
I walked back and forth on the street distributing the flyers. I did not hold righteous thoughts and was thinking only about handing out more flyers. As soon as I had handed out all the flyers, several police officers on motorcycles surrounded me. I quickly regained my calm. There were many bystanders since it was broad daylight. I thought it was a good opportunity to clarify the truth. I said loudly, "You see! Nowadays police only know how to arrest Falun Gong practitioners. There are so many corrupt officials they don't arrest. All they do is make trouble for the common people." Someone in the crowd said immediately, "That's right. Those who practice Falun Gong are all good people." I continued, "I had all sorts of illnesses before. After I started practicing Falun Gong, I was cured without taking any medications. I feel younger and younger. I am over fifty years old. Can you tell?" The surrounding people started murmur, "Oh, I thought she was in her thirties." "No way you can tell she is over fifty!" I told them, "I have personally experienced the miracles of Falun Dafa. All you hear on television are lies." The people listened to me quietly. The police officers did not stop me. As soon as the police car arrived, they told me to get in the car. Once I was in the police car, I rolled down the window, stuck my head out the window and kept on talking. Later, I spoke to the policeman in the car, who did not respond but nodded his head as if he was in agreement with what I said. It appeared that he did not like arresting practitioners.
One policeman outside the car was reporting the incidence over the phone, "We arrested someone high level, and she can really talk."
In fact, I am not good at speaking in public. I was surprised myself how I could speak so eloquently and keep the attention of so many people.
I was taken to a criminal unit in a nearby district police station. The officers in charge of my case, one male and one female officer, took me to a car that evening. When I asked them where we were going, they replied, "Your home." (They had found my home address in my purse.)
After I entered the door at home, several family members, including my sisters, were already there. They were crying and making a scene just like the time before. Since I had been actively clarifying the truth, however, I had been able to help them understand that Falun Gong was being persecuted. All my sisters had watched the video that explains that the self-immolation was false, and they had read Zhuan Falun. My fourth sister believes in the Buddha Fa and had read the book. She knew Dafa is good so she was helping me secretly. When I walked into the bathroom, she followed and told me, "I moved all your Dafa books. I know they are going to search the place."
As expected, the police announced that they would search my home and detain me. They asked me to sign the search warrant. I did not think of negating the evil completely at the time. I signed the warrant. But the policewoman said, "Let's not bother. You can go get some daily necessities and a change of clothes. It is late tonight. We will go back to the police station. You will be sent to a detention center tomorrow."
When we got back to the police station, the policeman took me to the office to be watched. He pointed to a temporary detaining room with iron bars and said, "It would be wrong to lock you in there. They are all drug addicts." There were three elderly watchmen sharing the office that night. He told them, "She will stay here tonight. If she wants to sleep, you could put handcuffs on her."
I told the three men the truth of Falun Gong. They all agreed and said, "You are a such nice person. You are not a bad person, so we won't put handcuffs on you."
I sat on the old couch in the office and sent forth righteous thoughts for a long time. The next day they did not send me to the detention center. I made the best use of time and sent forth righteous thoughts. I thought, "Evil Jiang is close by. This is a rare opportunity to send forth righteous thought in close proximity. Perhaps this is a special opportunity for me to eliminate the evil and I should not waste precious time." The guards were very cooperative. If the police department personnel tried to interfere, they said, "She is doing exercises. What is wrong with that?" Thus, I spent one day and one night sending forth righteous thoughts in close proximity to the head of the evil. That evening, my workplace sent people to take me home.
On the way home, people from my job told me that our place of employment had done everything in their power to get me released, including contacting the highest officials at the police bureau. I was released because my workplace was important.
5. Exposing Attachments and Cleansing Myself
One day in May 2004, I realized that I was under surveillance. (Teacher pointed it out to me). I asked myself, "Where is the loophole? At the final stage of the Fa-rectification, when the evil is almost eliminated, how could this happen to me?"
I searched for the reasons immediately. If looking at it from a human level, I might have been reported by my fellow practitioner F's family members. F is a veteran practitioner and is an expert with computers. But F just stays at home. He does not involve himself in outside Fa-rectification work, and F's family watches him closely. I sent materials to him before from the Minghui/Clearwisdom website, Teacher's new articles, and so on. But F's family took the materials and reported me to the police. This time, I transferred some materials from Minghui to a disk, together with a letter to F, and asked F to solve the problem with the disk. Quite possibly, F's family had gotten hold of these materials. Since the disk came from a truth clarification materials production site, I assumed that the authorities were monitoring my activities closely. They used surveillance devices, telephone interceptors, and many other means to keep me under surveillance. I believed that they wanted to ensnare a bigger "target."
Looking inward, I found that my attachment was "fear." Teacher has told us:
"All of you are already aware of the principle of mutual-generation and mutual-inhibition. If you are not afraid, the factor that would make you afraid will cease to exist. ("Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)")
Ever since I was arrested while distributing flyers, I was afraid of delivering flyers. Instead, I sent truth clarification materials by mail. But since I had been sending mail over a long time and in large quantities, I must have been monitored. Though danger no longer existed, fear filled my mind. For a long time, I was afraid of sending flyers or other materials by mail. Though I was still participating in such efforts, I held fear in my mind and the attachment of falling behind in Fa-validation. The evil discovered my loopholes. No wonder such problems arose.
I was shocked once I recognized my problem. Being monitored was very stressful. I held one thought in mind, "I should never bring losses to Falun Dafa, fellow practitioners, or the materials production site. I will not allow the people monitoring me to commit crimes against the Fa." I increased my Fa study, kept strong righteous thoughts, and eliminated my fear with righteous thoughts. I also send forth righteous thoughts more frequently. In a dream, Teacher encouraged me by telling me to keep a low profile, and that as long as I held strong righteous thoughts, the evil would be defeated automatically. After a few weeks, they no longer monitored me. They stopped, because I was no longer useful to them. But I know this happened because I had improved my cultivation state and eliminated attachments. I also had sent forth more and more powerful righteous thoughts, which was instrumental in my escaping from this dangerous situation.
Although I experienced "tempering," my "mindset of fear" was not completely eliminated. I felt this fear daily when I delivered flyers and mailed truth-clarification materials. I did remind myself, "I should save sentient beings openly and with dignity. I should not be afraid to be recognized as a Falun Dafa practitioner, as I can control others through the power of Dafa. I should send righteous thoughts so others will ignore me." However, I frequently forgot to remind myself and even forgot to send forth righteous thoughts sometimes. I watched my surroundings for any sign of troubles. I dropped the flyers or letters into the mailbox only when I felt it was completely safe. But this is the way of ordinary people.
After reading Teacher's new article, "Let Go of Human Attachments and Save the World's People," from September 1, 2004, I realized that clarifying the truth face-to-face is very effective. Now I was fearful even when I was not facing others. How could my courage desert me after having practiced Falun Gong for so long? When I was fearful, I discovered that I was under surveillance again.
On the surface, this might have been because I mailed Teacher's new articles with letters twice to F, which brought attention to me. But I knew that my fear was still the root cause.
Why could I not get rid of fear even though I recognized this attachment and wanted to eliminate it? Teacher's news articles were published. I became very concerned and cried in front of Teacher's picture. Since childhood, I was always afraid of my mother and of my classmates. My mother was unhappy in her marriage and beat me frequently, without any reason. I was discriminated against and insulted by my classmates during the days of the "class struggle" because of my "bad family background." Once I started to work, the situation continued. I suffered "insults and repression" in this complicated society. Therefore I was not good at dealing with people. I am sensitive, quiet, and full of doubts.
Fear of people has been a constant companion since my childhood. Maybe the old forces arranged that. Is the attachment of fear really as strong as granite? But Teacher has told us:
"When your righteous thoughts are firm and when you can repel those things, I remove them for you bit by bit; however much you can do, that's how much I remove for you and diminish for you." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference")
I must be diligent in my cultivation.
It will not work if I just get rid of my fear on the surface level. Not long ago, I clarified the truth in a barbershop. Because of fear, the effect was not good. To receive the reward for reporting practitioners, the barbers turned me in. Fortunately, I left the barbershop safely. But I realized that holding a mentality of doing something does not work well in saving sentient beings. I begged Teacher in my mind, "Dear Teacher, is there a hidden attachment which holds me in fear? Please help me to be more determined, so I can get rid of it!"
Our compassionate Teacher reminded me. I suddenly realized, "If I'm afraid of people, how can I save them? Without the wish to save people, how can I do well in clarifying the facts?" After being enlightenment to this understanding, I found that my fear was rooted in "selfishness." I had actually realized this earlier, as I often tried to protect myself. But this time I had a deeper understanding. Selfishness is part of all lives in the old universe. For Falun Dafa practitioners, the old forces made sure that all practitioners had the selfish nature of the old universe. They wanted to "test" practitioners. Because of my fear of people, I could not recognize my instinct for self-protection.
People say that I am pretty and kind, a good wife and mother, and do a good job at work. But actually, I just wanted to protect myself so I could live a more comfortable life. I was a person who cared mostly about herself and ignored everything else.
I was wondering why I had no compassion. Now I realized that, if I did not care about others, how could compassion be generated from nowhere? How could I become unselfish? I must change myself to be able to deal with others more effectively and care about others from deep within my heart.
My relatives know the truth of the persecution of Falun Dafa, and yet they could not accept my practicing Falun Dafa. My husband traveled abroad frequently and fully understood the truth about the persecution and the spreading of Falun Dafa in other countries. I tried to communicate with my family members but found it difficult. Any time I touched on this topic we would have a conflict. To avoid quarrels, I wrote letters to them to clarify my points. Yet we still had conflicts. My husband frequently beat me. Once he slapped my face many times. If it were not for Teacher's protection, my face would have been disfigured from the beating. I was injured frequently. Later, Teacher told us the formula, "The Fa rectifies the Cosmos, the evil is completely eliminated." One day when he rushed at me to beat me, I shouted the formula. He instantly stopped and no longer dares to beat me. But he threatens, "I'll kill you if you talk to our son about this topic!"
My sister changed her attitude about Falun Dafa after she learned the facts. But once my husband learned that I was mailing truth-clarification materials, he quarreled with me and asked me for a separation. When he sent me back to my parents' home, my sister supported his decision.
My husband even wanted to pay for having me sent to a brainwashing center. Fortunately, my parents know that Falun Dafa is good. They provided me with a good cultivation environment. By studying the Fa diligently and with the help of fellow practitioners, I overcame this hardship. Again, Teacher helped me. After two weeks, I returned home.
Why could I not deal well with my relatives? The root cause was still my selfishness. Though I was eager to clarify the truth to them, I actually showed little concern about my sisters' lives or helped them when needed. They are very capable and I enjoyed their help. I took them for granted. I did not thank them or show any gratitude. So how could they accept my clarifying the facts? It was the same with my husband. I had enjoyed his protection and accepted that he was strong and I was weak. I did all the chores and took care of his daily needs, but deep in my mind, I did all this passively. I did not love him very much. He understood this and mentioned this to me. But I did not pay much attention. No wonder he did not accept my cultivation and does not want to communicate with me on this issue. (I recognized this fault while writing this article.)
After I understood this shortcoming, I eliminated it. Once on a bus, I calmed a woman who quarreled because it was so crowded. I told her about Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and said that I was a practitioner and have benefited from the practice. Since I had not much time to further clarify the truth to her, I told her to remember that "Falun Dafa is good," and that "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good." I told her that remembering these words would bring her a good life. She thanked me. People around listened carefully.
When my fourth sister's husband was hospitalized, I offered to send meals to the hospital. Before, I would have thought that I had no time to be helpful. Actually, when my husband was sick in the hospital, my fourth sister nursed him without complaining. I brought them a Falun Dafa book when sending them meals and showed real concern about my sister-in-law's health. Right now, both my fourth sister and sister-in-law have started to practice Falun Dafa.
I found that my fear was disappearing. Once when I received more change than I should have while shopping, I returned the money. The shop clerk thanked me. I told the clerk that all Falun Dafa practitioners would do this and gave the clerk some truth-clarification materials. Another time, during a public gathering, I overcame my fear and clarified the facts to people openly and peacefully.
During that time, some people asked me to teach them the Falun Dafa exercises. My mother, who has been suffering from illnesses, began to study the Fa. Friends to whom I have sent Falun Dafa books before or clarified the facts to but had lost contact with told me that they liked Falun Dafa and tried to live by the principles Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. One of my maids copied several paragraphs from Zhuan Falun. Now she reads those paragraphs daily and said she could recite many paragraphs and that she liked Falun Dafa very much.
So much good feedback encouraged me. During that time, while cleansing myself, I eliminated the evil that has been controlling my husband and making him oppose Falun Dafa. Since Dafa practitioners negate any arrangements of the old forces, though there are difficulties in doing this, I believe that as long as I am righteous, with Teacher's help, I'll break through this barrier. Actually, ever since I realized my root attachment, my husband has accepted my studying the Fa and doing the exercises.
A few days, ago, my husband went on a business trip. I thought of giving him a "Falun Dafa Is Good" card that would bring him good fortune and protect him. But quickly, a notion formed in my mind. What if he said that I was superstitious and verbally abused me? At that moment, I realized the interference of the old forces and sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate them and begged Teacher to strengthen me. I wanted my husband to understand that the current science is full of loopholes. After sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil behind him, I put a card into the pocket of his shirt and said, "I'm giving you a card with the hope that you come back safely." He glanced at me and did not negate me.
I wanted to clarify the facts to those who had been monitoring me. I thought that only in this way could the evil controlling them be eliminated. But how could I do this since they were hidden? I realized that, since my letters to F were being read, why didn't I clarify the truth to them through my letters to F? So for their sake, I wrote truth-clarification information directed to them in the letters, to save them and to eliminate their wrong opinion and to dispel the thought that practitioners are a threat to the national security or are involved in politics.
During the process, my understanding improved greatly. At the beginning, I was just trying to get rid of those who were monitoring me. Now I understand that all the people who have been monitoring me are sentient beings I should save. They are not restraining me, it's me who needs to take care of them. I cannot allow them to persecute Falun Dafa and thus destroy their future. I decided that in my letter I should use powerful compassion, which would dissolve the bad thoughts that made them persecute Dafa. If my compassion was not enough, I begged Teacher to help me, so they would not commit crimes against Dafa. They should just wait here so they can be saved in the future. The result of this truth clarification was that I was no longer monitored.
There might still be obstacles on my cultivation path, and my attachments need to be totally eliminated. While writing this article, I found more attachments that I had not yet paid attention to. I realized that there are no role models in cultivation. Only by following Teacher's Fa can we break through difficulties and walk our path well. Every practitioner has his or her achievements, and difficulties to overcome. Maybe this is due to the multitude of beings, and variety of composition in the boundless universe.
November 7, 2005