My Homeward Journey
(Clearwisdom.net) I became a Dafa practitioner in May 1998. After the persecution started in July, 1999, several fellow practitioners and I traveled to Beijing on bicycles to appeal for Falun Gong. Police cut our trip short on our way. They detained us for half a month. My fellow practitioners were very determined during detention and their profound understanding of the Fa helped me to gain a clear perspective of this persecution. My faith became stronger.
Later, after repeated pleas from my family members, my human attachments surfaced. I signed a statement promising not to practice Dafa and was released from detention.
After my release I started to practice Falun Gong again. The following year, October, 2000, I went to Beijing again with a fellow practitioner to appeal. The first evening we arrived, we were arrested by my company representatives, with the aid of our family members and Beijing police at Tiananmen Square. They sent us back to our hometown police detention center. After 23 days of detention I received a two-year forced labor sentence and was moved to the Masanjia Forced Labor Camp.
In Masanjia, I saw quite a few well-known practitioners. Some of these practitioners who seemed determined later abandoned Dafa. I thought I was a "junior" compared to those people in studying the Fa and practice, and my comprehension of the Fa might not be very good. With this wrong notion I accepted their evil interpretation of Dafa, although in the bottom of my heart I thought that I might have made a mistake.
Masanjia Forced Labor Camp officials brainwashed practitioners every day. They forced us to listen to tapes and view TV that slander Dafa and our Master. Collaborators* physically abused the determined practitioners with constant monitoring, verbal assaults and sleep deprivation. The collaborators also brainwashed the practitioners with so-called "experience sharing." We were not allowed to study the Fa or practice the exercises, nor did we have access to outside information. I could not bear the suffering and wanted to get out. I lost my faith in Dafa.
After I came home, other practitioners came to talk to me. I did not want to listen. They gave me recent Dafa materials and Master's new lectures. I refused to read them. I completely lost my belief. I felt the emptiness in my heart every day. Something was not right.
One day a practitioner stopped by and asked, "Do you want to read some new flyers?" "OK, I guess"said I. He left 20 pages of materials, among them was Master's article, "Path." After I finished reading all the materials I was totally shocked to realize how wrong I was. At the same time I felt extremely guilty and saddened. I had stopped my practice and cultivation for nearly a year. Would Master still accept me as his disciple?
During the following three months I lived in mental pain, shame and despair. I wanted to send a letter to the officials at the Masanjia Labor Camp to recant my "transformation statement," but my family stopped me. I thought that since I betrayed Master, Master would not want to have me as his disciple. I didn't want to live anymore. My company planned to send me back to brainwashing class again when they realized I had changed my mind. I didn't know where to go and was completely lost. On New Year's Day of 2001, I clearly felt that my Falun was vanishing from my body, and things (cultivated energy) started to leave me, one after another. I could feel a pain, as if my flesh was being pulled down inside me. At that moment I felt regretful and desperate. Falun and the energy mechanisms were gone. How could I still cultivate? I did not know that Master had been waiting for me. I wrote a will, planning to end my life. But I didn't want to damage Dafa's reputation.
I struggled with myself for another four months. Gradually I calmed down and decided that I would move on. Thus, I slowly started to practice secretly, despite the strong opposition from my family, including my husband. Eventually, my family reluctantly accepted my practice. But they still did not allow me to read Dafa books.I knew I had to study Dafa books. I managed to borrow a copy of Zhun Falun. After hard struggles with my family, I finally earned the right to read the book and Master's recent lectures at home.
Along with constant Fa study and practice, I returned to my normal routine. My family environment also improved. I conducted myself with the standards of the Fa. Relationships with colleagues were better. My health was also much better. In addition, I started to clarify the truth to people in private, although not to my family. I have recovered in all aspects.
In January 2003, I began to realize that I should publish an open statement on the Internet, to disavow all my past mistakes. I would become a dignified Dafa disciple. I had to do it regardless what might happen to me. When I began to write the statement, my hands started to feel warm. I was very happy. I knew that Master was taking care of me again. I regained my strength and confidence.
In June 2003, I was arrested while I was passing out flyers. I refused to cooperate with the police at the station. Instead, I clarified the truth to them. In the detention center I kept sending forth righteous thoughts. I knew that I didn't belong there. There were still a lot of things for me to do to validate Dafa. Ten days later I was released. Previously, someone said that I would be sentenced for at least three years. I knew that Master helped me this time.
When I read Master's Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference, I could not control my tears. When I read Master's words, "If you've fallen, don't just lie there; get up right away!" I started to cry like a baby. I felt Master's great mercy from the bottom of my heart. I was determined to make the best use the time left to make good the damage I caused to Dafa and to rescue more people.
I want to thank fellow practitioners who helped me in the face of danger. They helped me to read Master's new lectures. They helped me to realize my mistakes.
I wrote this article with tears running down my face. My lesson learned is hard and miserable, but I am fortunate to have returned to the right path. I thank Master for saving me and giving me an eternal life.
*Collaborators: Former Falun Gong practitioners who have gone astray due to brainwashing and torture.