Going Astray and Coming Back to the Fa
I am 60 years old. In October 2001, the police arrested me at my home because I practice Falun Dafa. Because my righteous thoughts were not strong enough, I was not able to escape after several attempts. In order to resist the evil's persecution, I insisted on practicing, but I was beaten up by malicious police. The police handcuffed my hands behind my back to a chair, and they did not allow me to sleep or drink water. I was transferred to a police substation with handcuffs on and was detained and tortured there for over 20 days. Later the police said they would send me back home, but instead, they sent me to a brainwashing class.
1. Brainwashing Class
I completely lost my freedom in the brainwashing class. Throughout the day and night, the collaborators [former Falun Gong practitioners who have gone astray due to brainwashing and torture] took turns brainwashing me every day. I did not believe or listen to them. I recited Master's "Lun Yu," and "Hongyin" in my heart and continuously sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil that controlled these people. On the third day, they saw that I was not "reformed" in any way so they called more collaborators to brainwash me and to tire me out. They did not allow me to sleep and they slandered Teacher and Falun Dafa constantly. They attempted to destroy my spirit. On the fourth night, they decided to beat me because I would not give in and I was still not "reformed." They forced me to press my face and nose to the wall; sometimes they forced me to squat down and sometimes to stand. They hit my head and back very hard. I tried my best to resist and I cried out, "Don't beat people!" I silently recited Master's Fa-rectification verse. They finally stopped when their hands became tired and sore from beating me. I think it was retribution. Afterwards, they asked me if I would write the "statement to stop practicing Falun Dafa." I replied, "No." So several of them pressed me down, and one of them grabbed my hand and forced me to write something on paper. I shouted, "You're too vicious! This is not what I wrote! This does not count!" Then they covered and stuffed my mouth because they were afraid that others would hear me. After they finished writing, they pressed me down and beat me. After they beat me, they grabbed my hand to force me to write something again. During this long period of persecution, my mind and body were greatly damaged. I felt very thirsty and dizzy. But in my mind, one thought was very clear, and that was to never cooperate with the evil.
On the fifth day, the evil adopted a very manipulative tactic. The evil knew that I was afraid of being sent to a labor camp. Under the evil's manipulation, I was not clear-minded and I wrote "Three Statements." Afterwards, the attachment of fear drove me to write a "Statement of Criticism" against my own will. I betrayed Falun Dafa and Master and I destroyed my previous cultivation. I deeply regret what I did.
2. Serious Lesson
Although my heart did not want to give in to the evil's demands, I am still responsible for my conduct. I felt confused, empty and guilty when I returned home. One night, Master gave me a hint in my dream that I had fallen down. I could not even face other practitioners and I felt too ashamed to look at Master's photo. I was not motivated to do any housework or anything else to fulfill my duties. I was alive, but it was worse than death. Nobody could ever imagine this pain. The biggest pain in life was leaving Falun Dafa.
Through studying the Fa and exchanging experiences with other practitioners on the Internet, I realized that I failed to cultivate firmly because my thoughts were not righteous. Teacher said,
"These people have relatively large amounts of karma and they have fundamental attachments to [things of] humans, so in the midst of absurd lies during the so-called 'reforming,' they have, in the interest of their attachments and to justify their behavior, gone along with the lies and willingly accepted evil 'enlightenment,' while pretending they didn't want to." ("Suggestion")
Since I feared the labor camp, the evil took advantage of the loophole in my mind. All this was directly related to the instability of my cultivation. Without a solid base, one's mind becomes very weak during crucial moments and one cannot understand the Fa from within the Fa. I was afraid of being sent to a labor camp--essentially I did not let go of life and death. If I cannot let go of life and death, am I not just a human? This problem is serious! Dafa is serious, cultivation is serious. To cherish Dafa is actually to cherish oneself. Furthermore, I had to be able to distinguish the difference between personal cultivation and cultivation in Fa-rectification. A "Brainwashing class" is a method that the evil uses to persecute Dafa and Dafa practitioners. As Fa-rectification disciples, we must be able to protect Dafa.
3. Solid Cultivation in Fa-rectification
The "610" office decided to send me to the next brainwashing class because I was not completely reformed. After half a month, my work place, the community office and the residential committee constantly came to my home to urge me to go to a brainwashing class. Again I was forced to leave home despite the fact that my husband was sick. That day, it was snowing hard. I was cold and hungry. I had a piece of tofu that I bought after I left home. When I felt cold, I would take cover in a bus station or in front of a department store. As my mind restrained the evil, I was able to walk out of humanness. After 5 or 6 hours, it was dark. I had to go to the west train station. There, I began to clarify the truth to the people for the first time since my arrest. That day, three people understood the truth. Later, I stayed in a hotel and used every opportunity to clarify the truth to the people. At the same time, I sent out the "Solemn Statement" that I had written previously under a hint from Master's law body. I melted into the magnificent Fa-rectification current again.
After straying away from the Fa and making up for my mistakes, I felt the magnificence of Dafa as well as Teacher's immeasurable compassion. I cherish Dafa ever more as I firmly cultivate. I promise never to leave Dafa again! I will make up for the damage I have caused to Dafa by clarifying the truth thoroughly, eliminating the evil with righteous thoughts, saving all beings and safeguarding the Fa with determination. I will cultivate to the end. Here, I make the statement again that everything I said and wrote in the brainwashing class is invalid.