(Minghui.org) I once committed adultery. For a period of time, the old forces intensified my lust, and I couldn’t let it go, and I made a terrible mistake. Because I didn’t understand the Fa principles clearly, I didn’t realize that the evil communist specter and old forces lurk behind such desires. After committing adultery, I was deeply remorseful and blamed myself and was unable to pull myself out of it.
During those days, I carried this burden of guilt as I moved forward. Every step on my path was full of hardship and obstacles.
The old forces seized this opportunity to try to destroy me. They made my main consciousness unconscious: I would get sleepy when I studied the Fa, I would fall asleep when sending righteous thoughts, my cultivation practice lacked focus, and I couldn’t hear the exercise music or Master’s instructions.
Time was wasted, yet I was unwilling to stop practicing Falun Dafa. Whenever a new lecture or article of Master’s was published, I would only read it once and either forget what it said or have no time to read it again. Sometimes, I would pick it up, but I couldn’t read more than a few lines before becoming sleepy or confused. I wanted to read practitioners’ sharing articles published on the Minghui website, but after a few lines my mind would become confused. I could only listen to the sharing articles on Minghui Radio.
I knew there was something blocking my cultivation. I tried looking inward and identified many attachments. I tried to eliminate my lust and reject the old forces, but the obstruction remained. Deep down, I felt I hadn’t truly gotten to the root of my problem. Even so, my longing to improve in cultivation and elevate myself through the Fa never waned.
Interference and pressure from all directions made it hard for me to progress. More than once, I was arrested, harassed, and suffered illness karma. These tribulations and experiences left me increasingly tormented by fear and anxiety.
The truth-clarifying projects I had once worked on—making truth-clarification brochures, distributing copies of theNine Commentaries on the Communist Party, and printing Falun Dafa books—gradually ground to a halt due to the interference.
Although I clearly knew that self-blame is also a form of attachment, I still couldn’t forgive myself. The old forces took advantage of this attachment, constantly pushing thoughts into my mind about the wrong things I had done in the past—some even before I began practicing. They brought all of it back to make me feel remorse and regret. Every time such negative thoughts surfaced, I would hate myself for being so terrible, even hitting my forehead in frustration. The more I thought this way, the more memories would surface. In fact, the old forces planted all of them. Every day, one or two painful memories would resurface, making me feel miserable.
Once, during a painful struggle, I asked Master, “Master, am I really going to rot away here?” Right after that, a powerful and firm sentence appeared in my mind: “With the Fa here, what is there to fear?” I knew without a doubt that it was Master answering me. Master had not given up on me, the failing disciple—He was still watching over me, still protecting me. As I write this, tears of gratitude cover my face. I knew this was Master encouraging me to study the Fa more.
I made a firm decision to read more of Zhuan Falun, the main book of Falun Dafa, every day. When I felt sleepy while studying, I would stand up or walk around to read. I also sent righteous thoughts frequently, often for extended periods, once, for five hours at a stretch. When I couldn’t sit still, I did it standing or walking.
Because I persisted in studying the Fa intensively over a long period, my main consciousness became increasingly clear. In my heart, I became more and more determined to reject the old forces’ arrangements and to follow the path arranged by Master. I found several of Master’s teachings about rejecting the old forces and began reciting them repeatedly every day.
Through this process, I realized that the root of all these tribulations came from my violation of the precept against lust. The old forces used that as an excuse to try to destroy me. I recited the following every day: “Desires, lust, and things of these sorts are all human attachments, and all of them should be given up.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun) I would recite it 300 to 500 times a day and keep going until my heart felt light and clear, until I was no longer afraid. Then I would go out to clarify the truth to save people. Even though I could still sense interference close behind me, my righteous thoughts had grown much stronger.
Later, I was able to recite Zhuan Falun from memory. I also systematically went through all of Master’s lectures. I began to learn how to correct myself beginning with every single thought and notion. I truly understood that the mistake I made had caused irreparable damage to my own cultivation. More importantly, it added difficulties for Master and increased the burden he bore for me—burdens I could never imagine.
One day when I was doing the sitting meditation, I suddenly enlightened: “The one who committed adultery was the false self. I must not carry that guilt and walk the path with this guilt, or I will fall into the trap set by the old forces. This self-blame is also a trap—it leads me deeper and deeper into regret until it ultimately destroys me. All of this is part of the old forces’ sinister arrangement to ruin me.”
After I realized this, I immediately denied all of it. Master said,
“It’s not that you’re cultivating amidst the ordeals they created. Rather, you are to walk your own path well while not acknowledging them, not acknowledgin even the elimination of their ordeals; manifestation.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2004 Chicago Fa Conference”)
I realized that I had been interfered with by the old forces. I had never fully understood this teaching. I mistook the false self—the one who made the mistake—as my true self and tried to cultivate myself within the tribulation. Now I understood: It was the false self arranged by the old forces who made the mistake. I must not acknowledge it. Otherwise, I would never be able to eliminate those attachments and would be stuck in tribulation. I will walk the path arranged by Master and firmly reject and eliminate the lust and self-blame imposed by the old forces. That is not my true self, and I do not want it.
As soon as I sent forth that righteous thought, my celestial eye saw the clouds and fog instantly dissipate. The black haze that had been pressing down on me was instantly dispelled by righteous thoughts. I knew I had understood the Fa correctly! I suddenly understood clearly that cultivation is the process of rectifying everything that was not righteous in the past. Most of the mistakes I made before have likely already been rectified through the Fa. Why should I still be trapped in regret over past wrongdoings? Isn’t that exactly the interference the old forces had used to stop me from cultivating? They want me to believe that I’m beyond saving, to make me give up on myself bit by bit, and, in doing so, achieve their goal of destroying me.
Fortunately, I have Master and I have Dafa. That is what pulled me out of the misery. It is Master and Dafa that saved me. The moment I sent that awakened thought from the depths of my heart, it instantly cleansed my field of all decayed substances and darkness, as well as the warped, evil interference and destruction. From that point on, my cultivation state became completely renewed.
Given Master’s compassionate salvation and the help of Dafa, I am now able to sit in the full lotus position, hold the treasured book in both hands, and study two or three lectures in a row with full concentration. When I send righteous thoughts, I can stay focused, and I can also enter tranquility during the exercises.
No words can fully express my gratitude to Master for saving me. The only way I can repay Master’s grace is to be diligent in my cultivation and wash away my sins through diligent cultivation.
Thank you Master! Thank you Dafa!