(Minghui.org) I played with my cousin when we were children. She was two months younger than me, from a wealthy family, did better than me academically, and was more attractive. Our relatives seemed to like her better. I admired her and sometimes felt jealous.
One Chinese New Year’s Day the family gathered at my grandparents’ home. When we children played in the garden my brother threw a small shovel which struck my cousin’s face. There was a small cut on her face and it bled. I vividly remember that I was not sympathetic—instead I felt happy.
From this experience, I realized that my jealousy was not formed in this lifetime.
I sometimes saw images in my mind. I usually didn’t know whether I really saw them or just imagined them, so I ignored them—but I remember the I first time I saw jealousy.
I started practicing Falun Dafa in my twenties when the persecution was rampant in China, and I often attended a group Fa study. I knew the importance of studying the Fa with other practitioners, and cherished the opportunity.
I went to a practitioner’s home for Fa study one day. Practitioners took turns reading Zhuan Falun, and I was very focused on reading the Fa.
When we were sending forth righteous thoughts, a picture came into my mind. A man with long white hair stood with his back to me. There was an iron cage in front of him, and a girl was locked in it. The man said to the girl with hatred, “This is the result of being beautiful.” When he turned around I saw his face. He was a ferocious monster with a green face and sharp fangs. I was frightened. Then the scene disappeared. I realized this was a manifestation of jealousy at a certain level in another dimension. I felt Master let me see it so I’d quickly eliminate it.
My husband and I lived with his parents after I gave birth and they helped me look after my child because I had to go back to work. My mother-in-law was very capable, but strong. I had to do everything according to her standards. She got angry if something was not to her liking. She nagged about it repeatedly or swore at me.
I didn’t know how to do household chores, and I didn’t know how to look after my baby, so our conflicts were intense. Anything could ignite a conflict: The way I held a bowl, how fast the tap water should flow, how clean the washing should be, the baby cried, how the baby was dressed, or how much clothing the baby should wear. I didn’t know how to prevent these conflicts and I felt depressed.
It was time for me to let go of my attachments, especially jealousy. I sometimes realized it, but sometimes I didn’t. I felt aggrieved and annoyed and these feelings gradually developed into resentment, which I repeatedly tried to let go of. Sometimes righteous thoughts replaced my human heart, but sometimes my human notions prevailed. I wanted to confront her because of my resentment, but I knew clearly in my heart that once I had an argument with her my cultivation level would drop and it would be hard to save her. I didn’t argue with her, but these experiences tormented me.
I read an experience sharing article on the Minghui website one day in 2019. The practitioner’s husband was also a practitioner, but he didn’t do any household chores. She was upset. She had a dream one night in which she was climbing a cliff. She realized she was standing on her husband’s shoulders, and he said he would help her get to the top of the hill, even if he needed to sacrifice his life.
I was moved to tears. Weren’t my husband and mother-in-law like this practitioner’s husband? In order to help me cultivate, they endured tribulations. I shouldn’t look at them with my human heart. In that moment, my resentment and annoyed heart disappeared—instead I was filled with compassion for them. This state lasted several days, and people on the street asked us whether we were mother and daughter. I did the three things smoothly during that time. I felt that I cultivated well and I finally got rid of my jealousy.
I thought I cultivated well, but several months later I had a clash with a manager in my office. I had better business results than her in the first half of the year, so she was upset. We also had some misunderstandings. One day she scolded me and bad mouthed me loudly in front of everyone for a long time. This happened so suddenly that I didn’t know what to do. Even though I didn’t say anything I was very moved.
It was time for me to get rid of my competitiveness and feelings of annoyance, but my heart was moved due to my attachments. My lack of compassion and righteous thoughts didn’t make things move in a positive direction, and I had many difficult experiences. I felt like my coworkers were very calculating, and I couldn’t take it. I decided to quit my job.
The next morning Master hinted to me that I should follow the course of nature and also hinted that I should read the Fa teaching that mentions “three thousand worlds.” I still had human thoughts and I left the company. I knew I failed the test. At the time I didn’t understand why Master gave me a hint to read the Fa about “three thousand worlds.” I gradually realized that the three thousand worlds in other dimensions would suffer losses due to my failures.
Because I failed the test, my attachments became even stronger. I thought, “I’m free now and I don’t have to put up with anyone.” My competitiveness and jealousy exploded and my xinxing dropped. I didn’t do the three things as well as before. I had fear when I distributed truth clarification pamphlets. I couldn’t keep my hand upright when I sent righteous thoughts. I didn’t do all the exercises. At home I was basically just an everyday person. When my husband scolded me, I immediately argued with him.
I had difficulty getting onto the Minghui website starting from the second half of 2023. Sometimes I couldn’t open the website for more than 10 days, or even a month. This never happened to me before, and I visited the Minghui website for more than 10 years. I hated myself for not being able to cultivate diligently. I saw myself climbing a ladder in a dream one night. I was not able to climb it and I even damaged the ladder. A little girl ran up and down the ladder, and she was able to repair the broken parts of the ladder.
I realized this little girl was a practitioner I knew. She was able to visit the Minghui website easily and she also helped me get on the website. Why did she do so well, but I did so poorly?
I knew that I had to pay attention to my cultivation. I shouldn’t find fault with my husband. Cultivation is about cultivating myself. Why did I always look at him? Why did I always argue with him and challenge whatever he said? Did I cultivate myself in my family environment? Realizing my shortcomings, I decided to look within, and not look at other people. I was then able to visit the Minghui website.
One week later I couldn’t open the Minghui website again. What was wrong? I started to look within. I had an argument with my husband at noon and splashed some dirty water on the wall. He was angry and scolded me. When I talked back he became angrier and threw a bag of wet trash into the corridor. I ignored him and went to work.
I felt frustrated. The grievances I had from past years all came to mind. I forced myself to look within. He actually was helping me cultivate myself. I shouldn’t look at who was right and who was wrong superficially. I found I had strong sentiment toward my husband. My parents passed away when I was young, and I regarded him as my safety net. I wanted him to look after me. I was looking for a happy life in this world. What should I do? I should regard him as a sentient being. He hadn’t practiced Falun Dafa as long as I had. I felt lighthearted after I had this thought. I was able to visit the Minghui website after I finished cooking.
After a while I was not able to visit Minghui website again. I looked within while I was coming home from shopping. I thought of the story of the Monkey King and Pigsy. The Monkey King didn’t care too much about Pigsy, who was lazy and always got in his way. The Monkey King was always the first one to respond to danger in any of the tribulations they came across. He never complained about Pigsy. But did I do as well as the Monkey King? My husband was not as lazy as Pigsy. Why couldn’t I tolerate him? How much compassion did I have for other people? I was wrong. After I got home, I was able to visit the Minghui website, and I’ve been able to visit the Minghui website ever since.
I finally learned to look at issues with righteous thoughts and not with human notions that judge who is right and who is wrong.
Looking back at my cultivation journey, I find that my jealousy has been exposed in the following three aspects: 1) a mentality of feeling wronged. When other people were not good to me, I felt upset in my heart. 2) looking down upon other people. I judge others by my standards. 3) I feel inferior and don’t value myself.
I could easily identify the first two aspects, but not the third one. Inferiority is often caused by jealousy.
I’d like to analyze my mentalities for sharing purposes.
There are two scenarios when other people treat me badly. The first scenario is that I’ve offended someone. When they don’t treat me nicely, I can accept it because I treated them badly first, so I don’t feel annoyed. The second scenario is that I haven’t done anything bad to others but they treat me badly. I can’t accept it and feel upset. Why did they treat me like that? Master explained the Fa principles very clearly; it’s because I owed them in a previous lifetime and I have to pay it back in this lifetime. Because I am in this realm of unknowing, I cannot see anything that happened in my previous lifetimes, and I feel annoyed. I don’t believe what I cannot see, and I only believe what I can see. This is atheism. Behind jealousy are communist notions.
Why do I look down on others? Because their behavior or words are not up to my standards. I measure other people with my notions, including my husband, my child, and my colleagues. This is selfish.
Inferiority is also a manifestation of jealousy. When I fail a test, I will scold myself by telling myself that I cultivate so badly and am not qualified to distribute the truth-clarification materials or clarify the truth to people. If I accept these notions, I will become negative and unable to do things. I have been cheated by these notions many times and truly felt that I was not capable of doing things.
When I am in a good cultivation state, I ask myself if I believe in myself since Master has allowed me to practice. Do I believe in Master? Isn’t it a question of whether I believe in Master and the Fa. I shouldn’t understand Master’s boundless compassion with my narrow notions.
I’ve been trying to get rid of jealousy for more than 20 years, and it’s sometimes intertwined with my competitiveness. I understand that jealousy is a reflection of selfishness, which is a characteristic of the old universe. In order to get rid of it, I must change my self-centered mentality, tolerate other people, and be considerate of others.
I must measure my every thought and every action to see if it’s caused by jealousy. I must tell myself those thoughts aren’t mine—they’re selfish. Only by cultivating myself solidly can I let go of jealousy and do the three things well.