(Minghui.org) As I read a cultivation sharing article on Minghui.org, I realized I had the urge to find out whether any of the negative things said about Falun Dafa in the article were true. This urge was powerful, and my righteous thoughts could only push it back but not eliminate it. I recalled Master’s words but used them to comfort myself for having the thought to eliminate my urge, and not ignore it.
After I calmed down, I examined the thought, and felt it was not only a test of whether I truly believed in Master and the Fa but also an attempt to destroy my belief in them. There must be an element in my microscopic cells that did not conform to the Fa that generated that negative thought.
Looking within, I remembered that Master said:
“Of course, through this we have fully seen the position of every student’s xinxing. You went through a process of serious thinking at the beginning of this, but no matter what, that’s not to be considered wrong, as you were given the opportunity to think: what kind of person is Li Hongzhi? Is this Fa righteous? For those who have been able to step forward from humanness, who have been able to come through today, let me tell you this: you made it!” (“Fa Teaching Given at the Western U.S. Fa Conference,” Guiding the Voyage)
I recalled when I first began practicing—I knew from reading Zhuan Falun that there would be a test for us. One day the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would launch a persecution, and target those practitioners protested on Tiananmen Square. So when the suppression began in 1999, I wasn’t surprised. However, when the CCP’s mouthpieces continuously spewed propaganda and lies about Dafa, I began to have doubts. I thought about everything I experienced since I began practicing and concluded that everything Master said was true. I didn’t fall into the CCP’s trap, and I passed the test.
I tried to remember how I passed this test. I made it because I knew it was a trap and I did as Master asked. I recalled a scene from the movie Once We Were Divine, in which Phoenix told Zhao Haifeng, “Because you are always calculating and always wanting to gain.” I realized that the reason I continued practicing after the persecution started was I thought about what I’d gain if I kept going. I’d reach consummation, I’d have something everyday people do not, and all my sacrifices would be worth it.
In other words, it was a business deal for me. I’d only practice if my sacrifices paid off; I wouldn’t practice if there were nothing in it for me. This is a manifestation of ego and selfishness, elements that do not conform to the Fa and that prevent me from assimilating to the Fa and progressing diligently.
Of course, we understand that at the beginning of our cultivation there is a gradual process of learning the Fa. However, after cultivating for a long time, if one still wants to gain from the practice and is still being calculating, then one has not truly awakened to the meaning of cultivation and does not know what Dafa is.
When Master wants to save a being who has sinned and is facing annihilation, that being should not be conniving and wish to gain something. He should be grateful and quickly steer away from danger. A practitioner who cultivates solidly will constantly see the depth and significance of Dafa’s principles and cherish and thank Master and Dafa.
After the persecution started I began memorizing the Fa. I felt the more I memorized, the closer I got to Master. Tears filled my eyes every time Master was mentioned. I had a feeling this was more than just believing in Master and the Fa.
The night I first studied Falun Dafa, I dreamed that a door opened in the sky, and I saw Master’s majestic image. He extended his arms to me. I was an 8-year-old boy in the dream, and I ran towards Master like he was a long-lost relative. Although Master seemed to be a short distance away, I could not get to him. I had one thought, “I will keep running until I reach Master.” I am still running after 20-plus years.
True cultivation does not come with conditions, such as wanting to negotiate with one’s parents. Master found us, told us the way home, protected us along the way, and shouldered tremendous burdens to ensure we reach the goal. We dare not ask for more.
This is my understanding. Please point out anything not in line with the Fa.