(Minghui.org) It started about two years ago. At first I had trouble speaking, it hurt when I spoke, and I noticed high-pitched noises in my voice. I then started to have pain on the right side of my mouth and I could only open my mouth two centimeters (¾ inch). I couldn’t hide my condition from my colleagues anymore, so I had to see a doctor. I was diagnosed with a tumor in my mouth and was admitted to hospital.
I started practicing Falun Dafa in the summer of 1999, but I had slacked off in my cultivation practice over the past two years. Although I did the exercises every day, studied the Fa, and participated in truth-clarification projects, I had relaxed when it came to cultivating my mind and letting go of attachments. I did the three things, but only on the surface. I had no desire to fulfill my vow or save sentient beings. I often failed to send forth righteous thoughts at the four set intervals.
I gradually became controlled by suffering and complaints, and lost the compassion that a Falun Dafa practitioner should have. I did not have firm faith and righteous thoughts. I especially released my negative emotions in front of my family. I complained about housework or meals not being done according to my preferences, and I often raised my voice. I then received the diagnosis of a tumor in my mouth.
At first I thought I could practice cultivation while receiving treatment. I gave myself the excuse that since I had received sick leave from the doctor and did not have to go to work, I had to accept his treatment. But the real reason was that I did not have strong righteous thoughts. I was just passively enduring, instead of facing the problem with the resolute determination of a Falun Dafa practitioner.
My daughter reminded me that I should ask myself if I am a true Dafa disciple. So I bought a notebook. The first thing I wrote down was this question: “What is a Dafa disciple?” The answer I found was that a Dafa disciple looks inward when encountering difficulties and conflicts, studies the Fa diligently, uses reason to validate the Fa, and puts aside ordinary people’s desires and attachments. This is what I needed to achieve.
A few months ago, I had a very realistic dream in which I signed execution orders for many people. This dream made me realize that nothing happens by chance and I have debts to pay even though most of the karma has been cleared by Master.
Master said,
“...whereas the wrong they have done others and the grievances they caused in the past are compensated for by turning those things into factors that help them improve in the course of cultivating toward Consummation, and/or they are settled by way of blessings.” (“Teachings at the Conference in Los Angeles”)
There is no room for negotiation between us and the evil; we must follow one cultivation way. I had acknowledged the arrangement of the old forces, medicine, and the influence of modern science on me. I had used human wisdom to judge whether the disease was dangerous or not. This created a false impression, making me believe the medical treatment was effective. As a Dafa disciple, I have Master to take care of me. Only by following Master’s arrangements and judging everything according to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance can I complete cultivation. I realized that Master’s arrangements are the best!
I understand from the Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference that the old forces have no right to interfere, because they were created during the disintegration stage, and they don’t know what the initial state was like. Only Master knows this state, and through Fa-rectification, the universe can return to its initial state.
Master said,
“Your path has been arranged, and your body isn’t allowed to get sick.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XV)
I bought a photo frame and put Master’s photo on the cabinet in my living room. For many days I said deep in my heart: “My Master, my Master.”
I stopped my ongoing radiation therapy and chemotherapy a week later, trusting my beloved Master completely. In terms of cultivation, I only wanted Master’s arrangements.
When I was in the hospital I had realized that as a Falun Dafa practitioner I shouldn’t have been there. How could I tie myself to the bed and have them inject poisonous drugs into me? That was like persecution.
I called the hospital and told them I was not going to receive treatment anymore. Even so, the hospital called me for several days, and this tested my faith and determination. At first, I was startled by the phone ringing and trembled inside. I called back, but no one answered. It was difficult for me to defend my beliefs to a doctor, a representative of modern science. I was afraid to follow my beliefs with dignity.
This also showed in my attitude toward my sister. She tried to help me, gave me many alternative products and suggestions on how to best deal with the problems I was encountering. I realized that I had to have the courage, without compromise, to follow my beliefs. I thanked my sister for her good intentions and told her that now it was time for me to follow my beliefs.
I wrote to the hospital to officially end the treatment contract. The hospital did not call again after that.
Because I couldn’t go to work for three months, I needed a doctor’s note. I told the doctor that I had stopped my treatment. This required courage and a strong mind. I explained my understanding and my choice based on my beliefs. With a calm heart, I told the doctor about my decision and said it was for personal reasons. He didn’t ask any more questions and expressed his understanding.
The next time I needed a sick note, the doctor was on vacation so I went to see his colleague. Because I was unstable, the doctor expressed incomprehension and used negative examples, diagnoses, and his medical knowledge to scare me, saying that I was being irrational. He also asked me in a derogatory way if I believed in God, and I answered, “Yes.” In the end, he gave me a sick note.
After I gained clarity and made better decisions, my symptoms began to improve. But what remains to be done is to find and let go of my attachments.
On attachment is that of pursuing happiness among everyday people. For example, I hope to have harmony in my family and don’t want to see or hear conflict. Our two daughters should study hard and get good grades in school; there should be delicious meals on the table every day, and there should often be cakes. I expect the house to be clean, the appliances to work well, etc.
It’s like an addiction. If these fantasies of happiness are not realized, I feel unhappy, so I will eat too much, sleep too much, clean the house or control my family. I may even have a vengeful mentality: “Wait and see, what will you do without me?” If I suffered, others had to suffer too. But my true happiness is that I have obtained Dafa, fulfilled my vows, and helped Master save the sentient beings that I should save.
I found my strong desire to eliminate my sickness and my hope that a miracle would happen and everything would be fine. I didn’t like things that made me uncomfortable, such as pain, illness, and those unruly and uncomfortable neighbors. On the other hand, if I received some benefit, such as getting a bargain when shopping, I would be happy.
Through studying the Fa, I came to understand the issue of loss and gain and could act according to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance when human thoughts arose. I must face everyone with a compassionate and peaceful heart.
As an example of this attachment that it is good to be intuitive, I pride myself on doing things based on my feelings, such as cooking and baking cakes. I do many things based on my mood and the environment.
As a Dafa disciple, I should judge what to do according to the Fa. The Fa principles are there and do not change, and wisdom springs from them – not my feelings or intuition.
Because my righteous thoughts were not very strong before, I thought that I did not have firm belief in the Fa, and that I was not a good cultivator. In fact, I had already made the decision to walk the path of cultivation 25 years ago, and my belief was deepening and becoming more firm. I believe in Master and the Fa, and no one can shake me.
When I was young, I was sexually assaulted at home. In order to survive, I developed a false self that was indifferent to danger and difficulties. I focused on trivial and unimportant things, withdrew internally, and became an anxious, distrustful, passive person who envied others. For example, when I was called on by the teacher to answer a question in class, I would be in a daze, unable to answer, and would passively wait for the “danger” to pass.
But we must assimilate to the Fa. Master has said in Zhuan Falun:
“One righteous mind can subdue one hundred evils.” (Lecture Five, Zhuan Falun)
As a cultivator, I must have courage and believe in the Fa!
Through extensive Fa study, sending forth righteous thoughts, and looking inward, I passed one test after another with Master’s blessing. I can feel Master by my side at all times. I sincerely thank Master for his compassionate blessing.
I also want to thank my fellow practitioners at home, who encouraged me with their righteous thoughts.