(Minghui.org) I was confused and distressed about finding a marriage partner for a long time. Because I didn’t handle it well, my relatives and friends didn’t quite understand me.

Recently, I’ve been learning to look inward in everything I do. No matter what happens, whether it’s a thought that arises in my mind or a feeling from the past, I try to find my own faults or areas where I didn’t do well. I realized that every issue I encounter was caused by the attachments and human notions that I was not aware of, and there are many aspects of my character I need to improve.

I calmed my mind and reflected on the things I’ve experienced in my searching for a marriage partner. Many attachments hidden behind emotions and conflicts began to surface:

The first attachment I discovered was jealousy. Master said, “An everyday person cannot see this point and always believes that he should do exactly what he is able to.” (Lecture Seven in Zhuan Falun) The phrase “do exactly what he is able to” precisely highlights my human notion towards marriage and many other things, especially the feeling that I should get what I want. This manifested as jealousy towards relatives and friends who had happy marriages and good careers. 

I wondered why others could have a happy marriage while I had to face those people who were not my type that matchmaking relatives and friend introduced me to. I didn’t treat those potential marriage partners as sentient beings to be saved or as people who needed to hear the truth but, instead, focused solely on judging them.

The second attachment I found was the desire to validate myself through a marriage. This attachment was hidden so deeply that I never noticed it before.

Whatever I did as a cultivator, my close family and other relatives would associate it with Dafa. I often came across as feeling wronged in many situations, which led to the attachment of wanting to find a good marriage partner to prove myself, thinking: “I’m not as you say, but rather, I’m very good; you just don’t understand.” Consequently, if a marriage candidate did not meet the standards that I felt would allow me to “prove myself” in front of others, I would behave dismissively and nitpick about their shortcomings.

I eventually discovered a very stubborn attachment: the desire for others to comply with me in everything. If someone went along with me, I would think they were nice and easy to get along with. If they didn’t, I would be indifferent and complain about the way they did things. In many situations, I equated myself with ordinary people and, sometimes, I would even fall short of ordinary people’s standards.

I was shocked after finding these attachments and came to understand why I had behaved irrationally during the matchmaking process. Master used these situations to enlighten me. Behind these attachments, there were even deeper fundamental attachments: many practitioners mentioned that the root of jealousy is selfishness and ego. 

Master also enlightened me to the fact that behind jealousy and selfishness were actually atheism and belief in evolution, as well as modern behaviors, and the Chinese Communist Party culture—tools that the old forces use to destroy people.

Why did I feel jealous? It’s because I didn’t believe what Master said: 

“ ... when a person comes to this world, it is karmic arrangements that determine his course of life and what will be gained and lost in it.” (“Towards Consummation” in The Essentials of Diligent Progress II)

I thought I managed things in my life well and could meet my desires through pursuit. I would be happy if I got something I wanted, and I would feel jealous if I didn’t. I would often say, “Let things happen naturally, and everything is arranged by Master.” But deep inside, I hoped that by saying this, I would meet my own desires. 

How is this different from those who prayed to Buddha for protection and benefits that Master talked about in Zhuan Falun? It’s just a superficial seeking of protection and blessings without truly believing in Gods and Buddhas. This is the cunning nature of atheism, believing only in what is seen.

For a long time, I felt a barrier between myself and the Fa, which I was unable to remove. I read the Fa every day, but would feel like I didn’t truly understand the deeper meanings. I also tried to memorize the Fa after hearing other practitioners sharing that the process could help improve one’s understanding. But I handled it like completing a task, wanting to finish quickly.

With Master’s help and through constantly searching inward, I realized that every incident around me, every word spoken by others, and every thought and notion of mine contained elements for my improvement. They are opportunities for me to align myself with the Fa. I need to improve in my cultivation by seizing these opportunities, finding my deficiencies, and rectifying them.