(Minghui.org) Two recent agonizing incidents exposed my fundamental attachment.
When everyone was ready to begin reading at our Fa study group, Jia suddenly said loudly that her things were gone. She looked at me and asked, “Who took it? I just bought it.” I was sure she suspected me, but I didn’t say anything and continued reading the Fa. However, after I got home, I couldn’t calm down.
Thinking back over the years, this was the fourth time Jia humiliated me like this. One incident took place around noon one day. I was having dinner at home with practitioner Yi. Jia came in angrily. I asked her to join us, but she refused. She said she lost her health insurance card, so I said, “Don’t worry. If someone took it, they cannot use it.”
Jia responded, “Why not? People won’t notice it’s not theirs.” She got agitated and shouted, “I know where it is. I’m just waiting for it to come out on its own!” Then she added, “She [the person who took it] is simply a hoodlum, and not a real practitioner.” She left after saying that. Yi and I looked at each other in disbelief. We realized that she thought I stole it, because I often went to her house to study the Fa.
Something similar happened twice later. I looked inward and found some of my attachments, but I did nothing wrong so I didn’t care what she thought. But, I didn’t look further to find my deep-rooted attachment.
However, this time, I could no longer stand it. I felt indignant and couldn’t calm down. I knew nothing practitioners encounter is accidental. But what attachment caused this? I knew there had to be something wrong with me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have encountered this thing more than once.
Looking inward, I found many attachments. I had too much sentimentality toward fellow practitioners and treated them as good friends. I also had attachments of resentment, intolerance, being unforgiving, stubborn and headstrong, not wanting to be wronged, and an inability to endure. I was determined to get rid of these attachments.
I told myself to learn forbearance from Han Xin, who was humiliated by a thug in ancient times. Also, people wrongly accused Monk Daxing of having a child with a young woman, but he was able to raise the child without grudges until the child was taken back by his parents. As a Dafa practitioner, I must be able to endure, especially insults.
Master said,
“You must get to the point where you are able to take criticism, regardless of who it’s from. If there is truth to it you correct it, and if not, you are mindful of it. If you can stay unruffled while being criticized or chided, you are improving.” (Teachings at the Conference in Los Angeles)
My biggest problem was that I could not take criticism. There may be mistakes, misunderstandings, or even falsehoods in other people’s accusations and criticisms, but I still needed to look inward calmly and remove my attachments. I repeatedly recited Master’s words: “If there is truth to it you correct it, and if not, you are mindful of it.” (Teachings at the Conference in Los Angeles). Gradually, my heart calmed down, and I passed the test. However, this was just a prelude, before the next conflict.
When a colleague called to ask about my daughter’s situation I knew Jia told her. My daughter’s matter was not a big deal, but it was a matter of personal privacy, and she should not casually tell others. I told Jia about this because I did not know what I needed to enlighten to, but the information was shared between practitioners.
I did not expect her to tell a non-practitioner, so several people at my work knew about my daughter’s situation. I was very attached to my daughter emotionally, and it was already tough for me to deal with her problem. Now, Jia made it even worse. It was heart-wrenching this time, and it came on suddenly and violently. It was difficult to bear, and I was hurt badly. I knew I must look inward, I had a strong urge to look outward. When I calmed down I could look inward and find many of my attachments, but I could not find the right one. I felt helpless.
By continually studying the Fa, I calmed down, and was no longer disturbed and controlled by messy thoughts. I could genuinely look within. First, I realized there were factors of replaying karmic debts and eliminating karma involved. Second, my deep-rooted attachment was very well hidden, so it had to be dug out in such a heart-wrenching way.
My deep-rooted attachment was saving face. I also found attachments of looking down on others, jealousy, competitiveness, not cultivating speech, and vanity. After I looked inward and dug them out, I no longer blamed Jia. I also realized that she was actually helping me improve. I needed to cherish this predestination relationship. I was grateful to her for helping me eliminate my karma and elevate my xinxing.
Attachments of vanity and saving face were deeply buried in me. But what were their roots? I believe one root cause was selfishness. Saving face and vanity maintain the self-image, and not take criticism. The competitive mentality preserves the so-called dignity of the fake self, and resentment was triggered when the other people wronged and harmed the fake self. All attachments came from the fake self. Those attachments were manifestations and external characteristics of the fundamental attachment.
Once I found this fundamental attachment to self, it was easier to remove the associated attachments. My environment also changed, and I could tolerate things when I encountered them.
My sister-in-law discussed past issues at a family gathering and criticized me. I thought to myself, “That’s not true. It’s just like turning black and white upside down!” I wanted to explain, but I shut up, and my heart was not moved. I reminded myself that I must cultivate solidly. I need to memorize the Fa, consider others first, and stop arguing to protect myself when things went wrong.
When someone recently accused me wrongly, I smiled and was not affected. That day, my legs which are usually as stiff as wooden sticks, softened, and I could study two lectures of the Fa while sitting in the full lotus position.
My daughter also gradually got out of the dilemma and confusion. One day, she told me, “Let’s read the book Zhuan Falun.” I held back my tears of joy, and my heart was filled with infinite gratitude to Master.