(Minghui.org) Although my family was not well-off, I had everything I needed. As an only child, my parents raised me with encouragement and praise and rarely scolded me. They often complimented me in front of others and never compared me with other people’s children.
Growing up in such an environment I wanted to do well to gain more recognition. I couldn’t stand others’ criticisms, and I was jealous of people who I felt were better than I was.
After I began practicing Falun Dafa, I understood the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and the harmful effects of jealousy. I was aware of the issues that could be triggered by jealousy, therefore I tried to restrain it. I’m an introvert and a low-key person, so I got along with others.
My understanding of the Fa principles was superficial at the beginning. I often resolved problems based on regular people’s understanding of tolerance, and it was enough to maintain my inner balance. That balance was tipped after I got married.
My husband is an extremely conscientious and meticulous person. He is stubborn and seeks perfection. My heart was constantly challenged as our loving relationship transitioned into married life, then a business venture.
My surface understanding of Dafa was no longer enough to keep me calm during conflicts, and the old way of being tolerant didn’t work. I felt extremely uneasy and oftentimes had thoughts like: “What right do you have to talk to me like this?” “You’re only a few years older than me, and you’re acting as if you’re better than me!” “Why should I listen to you? How do you know you’re right?”
These thoughts kept creeping up when we had disagreements at work. I could barely maintain the minimum standard of a cultivator.
At home, my husband stood over me and yelled while I quietly sat. When my husband made suggestions, I softly replied, “No, I won’t!”
I was in my 30s but I behaved like a child.
My husband gave me the nickname “No, I won’t!” and teased me with it. I didn’t realize the knot in my heart had to do with jealousy, and I tried to calm myself with this thought: “I’m a cultivator and I won’t lower myself to a regular person’s level.”
The COVID virus swept the world in 2020 and changed peoples’ lives. My husband decided to practice Falun Dafa. I was happy for him initially, but then new challenges came.
My husband had his understanding of cultivation after reading Falun Dafa books. Besides correcting himself according to the Fa principles, he used the standards he learned to correct me. He told me to search inward whenever I ran into problems. Of course, I knew I had to look inward, but I didn’t like it when a new practitioner told me to do it.
He has a good foundation and Master Li (Dafa’s founder) often showed him the Fa principles, thus his xinxing level rose quickly. I could tell from our sharing that his understanding of the Fa and the physical changes he sensed were quite different from mine when I learned the practice. I never experienced what he experienced, so while feeling happy for him I also felt somewhat insecure.
When conflicts arose, I went from being patient to being dismissive, and then my tone became resentful, “Now that you’re a practitioner, you should change the way you communicate and look inward.”
We both wanted the other person to change and often ended up with disagreements. After that, we would have a discussion and agree to do better next time. It went on like this for a while.
I talked to my mother who’s also a practitioner, and she said that I had to be strict with myself. No matter how well one cultivated before, a veteran practitioner should lead the new one, which could only be achieved by constantly searching inward and improving oneself.
After reading Dafa books, I found that although I regarded myself as a practitioner, I still treated passing cultivation tests as ordinary tribulations in life. I didn’t realize that the root cause was my attachment to jealousy.
Master said,
“A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.” (“Realms,” Essentials For Further Advancement)
Moreover, I didn’t understand Master’s teachings in “What is Forbearance (Ren)?”
Master said,
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)?,” Essentials For Further Advancement)
I realized that true forbearance is not aimed at resolving conflicts. That is doing something with intention. Only when the heart is not moved or does not show any ripple has one reached the state of “forbearance” that a practitioner should have.
A test came after I reached the above understanding. When my husband criticized me and I wanted to talk back, I quickly remembered that “a wicked person complains about unfairness.” I had a thought: “I’m a cultivator. I’m not a wicked person. I want a heart that is calm and the forbearance of a cultivator.” Although the sense of unfairness was there, it was under control, and I passed the test.
Master saw that I wanted to eliminate jealousy, thus he mercifully revealed more Fa principles. When my husband practiced the sitting meditation the next morning, he couldn’t cross his legs in the full-lotus position even though he was able to before. So he tried the half-lotus position and his leg stuck up high. He had a grimacing face and seemed to be in pain. I tried to figure out what was happening to him, then I realized, “He is forbearing the pain for you!” I was shocked!
Master said,
“The reality is that she’s unknowingly helping you to remove karma. That doesn’t mean she is just fighting with you outwardly, though, while still feeling good toward you inside. Her anger truly comes from within. You can be sure that whoever your karma is distributed to will feel upset about it.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
That’s right! My husband did help me pass the test and had to bear the karma! It was the first time I learned what practitioners whom I had conflicts with and non-practitioners had to shoulder for me. Master built a ladder for each practitioner to reach heaven, and there was someone on every step of the ladder to help us pass the test. Every bit of improvement was accomplished by stepping on someone’s shoulder and with Master’s blessing. I felt so grateful, and I understood the Fa principle of looking at things in reverse order. My feeling of unfairness melted away!
After this experience, I restrained myself. I tried not to be stirred or moved. I searched inward when I encountered problems. Although I didn’t always do well, I was gradually able to face things with a clear mind and righteous thoughts.
We shared with a practitioner who was diligent and had practiced for a long time. My husband talked about what he enlightened to, and I listened quietly. The veteran practitioner commented, “How come your husband is doing better than you?” I was taken aback and wanted to refute it, but then I thought it wasn’t right, so I just smiled and said nothing.
I looked inward after the practitioner left, and I wondered why I was moved. I wasn’t happy to hear that my husband was doing better than I was, so I was jealous of him. I felt dejected for not experiencing what my husband did and someone pointed it out, which meant my attachment to my reputation was exposed. When the practitioner made a remark I wanted to argue. This showed I had an attachment to competitiveness.
I noticed my husband possessed many virtues that I didn’t have, so why couldn’t I recognize and accept the fact? The word “humility” came to mind, and I realized I had put myself on a pedestal. I wasn’t humble, thus I couldn’t acknowledge another person’s merits.
Master said,
““You have to save me”—they all utter this, imploring to be saved. But the way this comes across is not what one would expect by using the kind of reasoning and comprehension found in the human world, such as how you must be courteous and humble when asking for help—“As you are here to save me, I must first express my gratitude toward you, and I will do my part to make it easier”—it’s nothing like that. As they see it, “If you are to save me, you have to reach my level first, and you must have this measure of mighty virtue before you can save me.” ("Disciples Must Study the Fa,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume XI)
My attitude was no different from the old forces’ characteristics, that is, I regarded myself highly and treated people who were better than myself with a contemptuous mentality. Once I found the “big demon” hidden behind my attachments, I sent forth righteous thoughts to negate the old forces’ arrangements.
I tried to look for others’ good points. I tried not to hide my shortcomings, and I listened to practitioners’ suggestions with an open heart. Although I felt embarrassed about it, my state of mind was quite different from before.
When my husband read Master’s new lecture, “How Humankind Came To Be,” to his family it caused an uproar. I couldn’t help it and said emotionally, “How could they react like that?”
He replied, “They’re having an effect on you, so you’d better not say anything.” I said I wasn’t moved, I was worried. He said with seriousness, “You are stirred by regular people, and you don’t even admit it. Why did I read the lecture? Aren’t we helping Master to awaken people? Do you believe in Master and Dafa one hundred percent? I was a bit moved earlier, but I soon realized I was passing a test!”
I wanted to tell him, “You’re just a new practitioner, so how can you lecture me?” But I calmed down this time and listened to him. I removed what was blocking me and said, “You’re right!” I said it out loud instead of keeping the thought in my head like I used to. I didn’t feel one bit of jealousy and thought, “You have a good understanding and are doing well! I’m truly happy for you!”
When that thought emerged, I clearly sensed a flower slowly blooming in my heart, and I smiled. My serious expression turned into a smile that came from my heart. I was bursting with joy!
There’s an ancient Chinese expression: Its literal translation is, “A flower blooming in the heart, and the face bursting with joy.” The heart flower bloomed not because I was happy, but because I was happy for someone else! I sincerely thanked Master for letting me experience the wonderful feeling of not having jealousy.
My husband no longer teases me with “No, I won’t!” Whenever he asks me to do something, regardless of his attitude, I respond with a chuckle. He once started to say something, stopped, smiled, and said, “You’ve cultivated well recently!”
Thank you, Master, for your care and guidance, for leading me out of the attachment to jealousy, and for teaching me to improve bit by bit. Although there were ups and downs in the process, I learned how to cultivate. I will continue to improve myself to repay Master’s kindness.
(Selected Submission Celebrating the 24th World Falun Dafa Day on the Minghui website)