(Minghui.org) I was born into a small landlord family. I reached adulthood during the Chinese Communist Party’s (CCP) land reforms. Consequently, I was categorized in one of the five “black” categories and subjected to public criticism in large meetings, “class struggles” in smaller ones, and constant supervision. A young intellectual from Beijing came to our village in 1957. We became close friends simply because we were both young women, which led to my being reported to the work group. This added another label, branding me as “disruptive to sending people to rural areas,” which frightened me. I left that town to avoid further criticism and class struggle.

To be safe from further harassment, I married the head of the local militia. We had four children, the eldest being a son who helped with household chores from a young age. Among our three daughters, the eldest was the most obedient and compliant. However, good times didn’t last long. During the Cultural Revolution, my husband had to destroy people’s shrines and raid their homes because of his job.

One such person was a landlady in her 80s who had hidden some coins in a bamboo tube, which my husband confiscated. Consequently, he fell seriously ill before reaching middle age, was bedridden for 10 years, and then passed away. At that time, I was in my 30s, struggling to care for our four children. Eventually, I couldn’t manage alone and chose to marry again. Raising our children was arduous. By the time my second husband passed away, all four children were married and settled down, following the traditional custom. For an old mother like me, it was a relief.

Even more fortunate, during the suppression of Falun Gong, initiated by Jiang Zemin in 1999, 10 of my family members began practicing Falun Gong. This was a blessing from Master Li, the founder and teacher of the Falun Gong spiritual practice to our entire family. In those terrifying days when people weren’t able to study the teachings with others, our family formed our own study group. My son, daughter-in-law, three daughters, three granddaughters and one grandson all sat together to study the Fa, exchanged thoughts, and sent righteous thoughts. This made other practitioners envious. As a result, our family gained some fame among local practitioners within the county and across the region. Other practitioners inquired about us and praised us. I often felt gratified. During all that happened during my life, I had never experienced such recognition.

When I tell people the facts about Falun Gong to counteract the propaganda and advise them to quit the CCP and its affiliated organizations, people praise me, saying, “You practice well; just look at your fair and radiant face, with only a few wrinkles. You don’t look at all like someone in her 80s.” I felt so happy and couldn’t identify all the emotions I was feeling. Although I say it’s from practicing Falun Gong, there’s a subtle joy deep down. In my heart, I think: “It’s not just that, 10 people in my family practice Falun Gong.”

Another 10 years passed quickly. Outwardly, everything seemed to be going smoothly, and our family members were involved in different environments while doing the three things.

However, my youngest daughter was divorced, which made me sad. She later found someone else and remarried. Not long after, my second daughter also went through a divorce and then remarried. I felt like my heart would burst.

I shared my distress with my son and the once obedient and compliant eldest daughter. Instead of consoling me, they asked why I didn’t attend my youngest daughter’s remarriage. I regretted sharing my feelings with them. Somehow, I knew this was interference from the evil. But, why did it affect me? It must have caught onto something I hadn’t let go of. What was it?

When I calmed down, I remembered a conversation with a practitioner 10 years ago. I told the practitioner how my entire family did the three things. The practitioner told me that she had a dream in which my house seemed well-ordered from the outside, but inside, it was dirty and chaotic. In particular, my youngest daughter’s bed had a large hole in the center. At that time, I didn’t pay much attention to what the practitioner said because I felt good about my family’s situation.

Looking back, I felt startled. Didn’t the outer cleanliness perfectly conceal the inner chaos? Didn’t the hole in my daughter’s bed indicate a problem in terms of desire?

So, as a mother, I reprimanded my youngest daughter, but she didn’t accept what I said and argued with me. Then, stepping back as a mother, I tried to advise my second daughter. She complained to me and asked for money, saying that her husband was in a financial fix because of his business and they only needed a few tens of thousands of yuan. She promised to repay it quickly.

I turned to my son and eldest daughter, asking them to advise my second daughter against investing in this risky venture. Instead, they encouraged me to lend her the money, assuring me that they would repay it for her if there were losses. As a result, the money was invested and then vanished without a trace.

This way, it seemed as if my four children and I were studying the Faun Gong teachings and doing the three things, while constantly blaming each other for their mistakes. We lived like this for four years.

Where was the problem? I knelt before Master’s portrait with tears streaming down my face. A loud voice echoed within me, “This is a trial you must pass.” I understood that this was Master’s guidance. So, what kind of trial was this?

Master said:

“In the course of samsara, you have had mothers who were human and non-human, and there are too many of them to be numbered. It is also countless how many sons and daughters you have had throughout your different lifetimes. Who is your mother? Who is your son or daughter? No one recognizes one another after passing away. You must still pay for what you owe others.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)

This was a karmic debt I owed, and it was time to repay it. Although I endured much suffering and hardship in raising my children, the past karmic debt was unpaid and must be settled.

Upon reflection, by following this thought process I had submitted to the persecution by the old forces. Our entire family practices cultivation and we are all under Master’s care. Why then, would the old forces dare to bring up past accounts to disrupt our group of cultivators? From this perspective, Master guided me through the trial that was a test of my emotions.

Following this line of thought, I found that I had been enjoying the feelings of motherhood: satisfaction when my children formed their families and established their careers, pride that our family practiced Falun Gong, and feeling superior to local practitioners. This was the gratification that I had mentioned earlier.

Digging deeper, I was shocked. I realized that I had turned my family’s cultivation into a validation of my reputation. It was a big attachment. Other practitioners validated the Fa, while I used my children’s cultivation to validate myself. How dangerous this was!

I must eliminate this deeply rooted attachment, treat my children with compassion like any other sentient being, fulfill the prehistoric vow I made, and return home with Master.