(Minghui.org) Greetings Venerable Master! Greetings fellow practitioners!
I live in Buenos Aires and I began practicing Falun Dafa in 2013.
I’m not going to share a grandiose experience or talk about great achievements. Instead I’d like to tell you about a small and humble experience, full of stumbles and ups and downs, loaded with attachments, notions and a human mindset. As I write this I still feel far from being a genuine cultivator.
My friend recently read a sign on a lamp post to me: “Eliminate envy and jealousy for good.” She read it aloud twice.
Hearing this surprised me but at the time I didn’t think it had anything to do with me. We know that there are no coincidences and Master devotes a whole section in Zhuan Falun to jealousy. He tells us clearly: “...so you have to get rid of jealousy.”( The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I kept thinking about the attachment to jealousy. I examined myself and thought about all the attachments that end up being part of jealousy. If jealousy is the source of all or almost all human attachments, then jealousy represents our human side, the “I” that we have to let go of in order to cultivate ourselves.
Days after reading that poster, jealousy towards my husband exploded in my face: all my resentment, feelings of injustice, arrogance, attachment to being right, superiority, and other attachments were exposed. Even thoughts that did not belong to me began to sprout. I could not identify or reject them the instant they appeared. I heard voices telling me that I could not reach the standard, so why continue practicing. I convinced myself that I should stop reading the Fa and treat my practice as a hobby. I also had other negative thoughts.
I wanted to give up everything, including coming to this Fa conference, but I did not want to give up my attachments. The conference activated a countdown, I had three weeks to look inside and get back on track.
I am living in an internal battle between my human side and my knowing side. Maybe it is not as bad as it seems on the surface, because I am evaluating it from my human side. I think this internal battle has helped me to see some things more deeply and I hope it will serve to eliminate more attachments and may elevate my xinxing.
Right now I feel like I’m standing in the eye of a storm and I’m in great pain. I still don’t know how I’ll be able to get through it, so I started with the simplest and most important thing: reading the Fa.
My lack of Fa study is one of the reasons why I got to this state, since I have no Fa to evaluate myself with, look inside and eliminate my attachments. I’ve recently resumed attending group Fa study. Although every day is a struggle with my thoughts, it is the path I believe I have to follow.
In recent years I had important changes in my environment, especially after getting married and having two children who were born almost a year and a half apart. This made my priorities change. I no longer have or can organize my free time as I want, and the two babies are at a very demanding age.
Although I knew I had to be firm and continue reading the Fa, I could not sustain it, I could not adapt to the changes, and I knew I was slipping. In addition, I kept having conflicts with my husband, which were triggered by my resentment and feelings of injustice. My state of mind became that of an ordinary person.
I failed to understand that this is now my cultivation environment and that I should treasure and take advantage of it to improve myself. I failed to cultivate myself when I encountered difficulties, and to take conflicts as opportunities. Instead, I rejected my new reality. Although I read the Fa, each time it was less and less or I could not concentrate. Sometimes I did not want to read because of my situation.
A vicious cycle formed. As much as I wanted to stay afloat, my new circumstances were “drowning” me. It also started to separate and pull me away from the three things that we Dafa disciples should do, because I didn’t feel worthy of reading the Fa. I felt overcome with all these negative thoughts that burdened my mind.
I thought about my situation as though I were an ordinary person. I didn’t want conflict and difficulties. I didn’t want to let go of my self, my ego. I was still attached to my thoughts, sensations and feelings, instead of thinking about saving people. My selfishness was covering my faith.
I understand that there are two attachments that interfered with me: sentimentality and a lack of forbearance.
I’ve always been a very emotional person. Not only have I been carried away by my sensations and feelings, but I also evaluate many situations based on emotion. In writing this experience I realized that sentiment arises when I lack righteous thoughts. When my words, my actions and my thoughts are weak, not straight, logical and rational, there is sentiment. And when one is not righteous, the old forces can use that sentiment to interfere with us.
Even though I kept removing emotion in layers, it still surfaced. Master’s Fa is very clear: “If you don’t sever emotion, you won’t be able to cultivate.” ( The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
Because I was clinging to sentiment I had misunderstandings about certain situations, and I forgot that every being has his own path and makes his own choices. For example, I took care of relatives when there were others with better conditions to do so, thinking that it was my predestined relationship or some debt I owed them from another lifetime. I freely commented on the lives of my siblings, and the decisions they should make, or I committed myself to performing certain tasks.
I know that one has obligations and responsibilities to the family, but here I am talking about situations where we do not see things from the Fa’s perspective.
My husband also practices Falun Dafa. One might think that this would make things easier. But in conflicts and everyday situations, I don’t always remember that he is a fellow practitioner. When I wanted harmony in our marriage and daily life, and less conflict, the difficulties increased. It seemed the old forces enhanced things to make them seem worse or even extreme.
Sentimentality was another factor that weakened my main consciousness. It prevented me from differentiating and recognizing my own thoughts. I expected my husband to help me or, although on the surface I denied it, I blamed him for my failures and shortcomings. I hoped that he would help me get ahead and solve my issues.
I also thought I didn’t have a sentimental attachment to my children, but I was lying to myself. Everything to do with raising them, or disciplining them moved my heart. I even wept when my husband set limits for them. The more I tried to satisfy them, the worse things turned out. They were more attached to me, but they were not happy either. They wept and screamed, and were unable to sleep. They seemed overly attached to me.
The second thing that I feel is interfering with me right now is my lack of forbearance. In my cultivation I didn’t really cultivate tolerance, endurance, so now a mountain has formed.
Master taught us, “There is sacrifice in forbearance.”(“Non-Omission”, Essentials for Further Advancement)
For many years I overlooked making sacrifices. Or, I chose those that were easy, such as doing the double lotus once when I meditated, and then never doing it again.
Perhaps because I seem docile or kind on the surface, I don’t seem to have great tribulations that encourage me to speed up in cultivation and not be left behind. Previously, whether I did something or not was up to me. I could manage my work schedule, and because I lived with my sister, I had certain comforts. On the surface I seemed to try very hard, but my cultivation was on a very low level and full of selfishness.
But when my situation changed, my poor ability to truly make sacrifices to move forward manifested. I also did not want to put up with pressure. My wanting to escape and avoid difficulty exposed my lack of endurance.
I was presented with trials and failed to pass them or try to improve. One day I had a conflict with my husband. I wept because I felt that I was being asked to be like Han Xin, and to raise my forbearance. I wanted to pass the test even if it meant crawling between someone’s legs. I felt the deepest pain in my heart: I felt that I was being made to grind and break away from my ego and be humble.
I also understood at my level that the ability to digest bitterness requires eliminating attachments to pride, arrogance, superiority, speaking as if I am right, and cultivating humility.
In this aspect of cultivating forbearance, I still fall far short and have a long way to go.
My state of depression and negativity, thinking “I can't,” weakened my main consciousness. I felt covered by a black substance that controlled me.
Although there was no “illness,” it felt as Master explains:
“70% of it is psychological and 30% physical. It’s usually that they collapse psychologically first, that they fall apart, and have a huge mental burden” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
This state would appear and deepen in the face of a situation or conflict. I found myself in a moment of total despair, in which I knew I had two options: To take the path of an ordinary person or to follow the Fa.
I decided that the only way I could strengthen my main consciousness was by reading through the teachings. Fa study helped me look within and treat myself as a practitioner again. Although genuinely looking within is not as easy as saying it, it helped me become alert and strengthened my main consciousness.
As I read, all kinds of thoughts and emotions came to mind: rejection, hatred, mood swings from one moment to the next; but as I continued reading these negative substances weakened.
What helped was that I never stopped being connected to the local group of practitioners. I used every situation and listened to every sharing to improve myself.
I was able to understand on a deeper level what it means to cultivate through conflict and why the Fa says that we get gong (cultivation energy) in the midst of conflict, by going through situations that seem difficult and complicated.
We know that Falun Dafa asks us to cultivate ourselves in society, and not run away from conflict. It’s very good to read in Zhuan Falun while in the midst of difficulties. Unfortunately when it was my turn to go through a test I could not measure up to the standard of the Fa.
I knew I had to start by accepting that trials, conflicts and difficulties are part of our path of cultivation. We should accept them and take advantage of them because they come so that we can improve ourselves based on the Fa.
We also need to be alert, because the old forces know our weaknesses, and they are waiting for any opportunity to take advantage of them and take us out of the ranks of practitioners. It is heartbreaking when I think about this, but at the same time I accepted them and did not firmly expel them.
I want to tell you the most important understanding I had about how to break with that state and all those things that were controlling me and were trying to pull me out. I also found the answer in the Fa.
To change my state I had to do more than look inside and wait until I could elevate myself and find attachments and notions. I had to do more than thinking that the Fa was going to help me rise at some point, I had to embrace the Fa and break out of that state of passivity.
I needed to become active and alert, to take charge and of my own thoughts to forcefully reject what tried to interfere with me. I have to be firm and persevere until the Fa allows me to create an indestructible shield so that those negative substances cannot enter my field.
I hope that my experience can help those who have been in a negative or depressed state for some time and have not yet been able to break away from it.
All these years since I started practicing Falun Dafa I have had the joy and blessing of being part of a body of practitioners who cultivate ourselves as Master asks us to.
Master taught us,
“The lofty conduct that Dafa disciples have established in this environment--including every word and every deed--can make people recognize their own weaknesses and identify their shortcomings; it can move their hearts, refine their conduct, and enable them to make progress more rapidly.” (“Environment,” Essentials for Further Advancement)
This environment motivates us to advance and improve ourselves according to the Fa, it pushes us to be more diligent. Every time I listen to the experiences that my fellow practitioners share from the heart I benefit enormously. It touches my heart and moves me.
It is not easy to accept criticism, but it is also not easy to point at others. To be able to point at others we have to let go of selfishness and attachment to losing face. For the one who hears an understanding or criticism it is a great opportunity to look within and accept what others see in order to move forward.
Over the years I have seen practitioners go through tough trials and tirelessly strive to eliminate their attachments. In the most critical moments, you can see the strength and the power of Dafa manifesting. I often feel Master’s compassion during experience sharing meetings. Master does not abandon us and gives us opportunities again and again to see our attachments and raise our xinxing.
I could also see how we can rectify situations due to misunderstandings or extremes. That is why it is important to study and participate in sharing with the large body of practitioners.
Xinxing frictions, criticisms and conflicts are inevitable and are even arranged for us to elevate ourselves. When we have a broad heart and are steeped in the Fa we can understand this as part of the path of Zhen-Shan-Ren.
Master spoke on this matter in a 2006 lecture,
“That’s because on your path of cultivation there is nothing that is by chance. So, when you get into a heated exchange and it stirs things up in you, or you get into a conflict over something that concerns your vital interests, perhaps the factors behind it were put there by Master.” (Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan)
As I listen to the other practitioners I gain new insights. Many times I identify with the process that a practitioner is going through. I benefit from being able to see attachments or remember understandings of the Fa. For example, one time when I was feeling blocked by so many thoughts, a practitioner shared how she tried to measure her words and actions with the Fa, and reject thoughts that are not her own. We also all feel encouraged when we hear experiences of clarifying the truth or about being more diligent. I realized I forgot to take leaflets with me and be ready to tell people about Falun Dafa. I should treat every situation as a predestined opportunity.
One time, a practitioner pointed out that I was sending her lot of messages about topics that are for everyday people, and it would be better if I used that time to study Fa. I thought that what she was saying was not true. My heart was moved. I even had negative thoughts about that practitioner, thinking that she is not very diligent but she was pointing out my attachments to me.
At the same time, I knew I should listen to her. Even if it was not true, there must be something I had to look at.
Looking inside helped to eliminate the attachment to reputation, valuing and listening to what a person or practitioner tells me. I was able to see that even though what she was telling me seemed not to be true, it was true at other times or with other people. Being able to hear from others helps me to be stronger in confronting adversities and difficulties without thinking about my reputation, losing face or feeling angry; it also results in a less selfish state by not immediately thinking from my perspective and only about how I feel.
Another extremely important aspect is participation in projects. From face-to-face activities, practice sites or media projects and others, besides being a pure environment, they are of utmost importance for cultivation.
Master gives us opportunities to participate in projects so that we can forge ahead in cultivation and merge in the Fa. By being with others we learn to coordinate, and our attachments and the things we need to improve on are exposed. In order to coordinate and participate in a project we need to let go of ego, and develop humility. In this process we eliminate envy, arrogance and pride. We can learn to see the whole and not focus on a personal point of view. It strengthens us, pushes us and makes us diligent.
I’ve noticed that in certain projects or activities I don’t get to do what I think I know how to do. I’ve also noticed that when some practitioners get things right, they are suddenly assigned a totally new task. I think this is to keep us moving forward in cultivation.
Master’s arrangements are always the best. When we want to do things with a human mindset, nothing flows. When we decide to follow Master’s arrangements everything goes well.
Master said,
“Only when you let go of all such attachments and cultivate with a quiet and calm mind can you meet with success.”(“In the Dao Without Cultivating the Dao,” Zhuan Falun Volume II)
Master is helping us to eliminate the attachments that we have carried with us for a long time. I feel Master's great compassion, and I treasure this opportunity.
Writing this experience was like a battle. I wanted to give up several times, so I want to thank the practitioners who encouraged me to keep going.
I hope to get through this storm and keep moving forward on the path that Master laid out for me. This is my understanding at this level. Please point out what you think is necessary.
Thank you, Master. Thank you, fellow practitioners.