(Minghui.org) I never thought I had an attachment to lust, as I haven’t had a sexual relationship with my husband for 18 years. I didn’t even have thoughts of sexual desire either.
My daughter had an outdated iPad and offered it to me: “You can see much better with a larger screen on this iPad, and you can also make phone calls.”
I went out to clarify the truth around 8 a.m. every day, and attended Fa study at a fellow practitioner’s home around 1 p.m. I had some free time around 4 to 5 in the afternoon. So I started to browse cooking programs on the Internet and thought it shouldn’t be a problem.
But I couldn’t control myself and was soon watching Korean dramas (soap operas), as I really liked them growing up. I wanted to know what happened in the end and how each character was portrayed.
Not long ago, I watched a drama and became really involved in it, to the extent that I knew all the characters and their flirtatious relationships.
During that period, when I went out to talk to people about Dafa, there were two occasions when someone spoke to me in an unpleasant manner. My energy field was not righteous, and I knew I had an attachment to lust through watching these dramas. But I still wanted to watch that particular series to the end - and I did.
Cultivation is serious, and I came down with sickness karma right after I finished watching the series. It revealed itself as a urinary tract infection and constipation. I also lost my appetite, had headaches, and lacked energy. The worst thing was I dreamed of dead people.
I had never dreamed of anyone who had passed away since I started cultivating in Dafa. But I spoke to one person in my dream. She told me that she built a house in her husband’s hometown, and asked if I had one. I told her that I didn’t know. After I woke up, I knew the dream was not good, as a dead person’s home is a grave.
A phrase then popped into my mind, “Hold my hand until the end of life.” Initially, I thought this was part of the lyrics from a Korean drama, but later realized it was Master Li Hongzhi hinting that I will come to a dead end if I don’t get rid of lust. So I decided to expose my lust and let it die.
I was 13 years old during the Culture Revolution. My father was a town level official and denounced by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I was an official’s kid and, therefore, implicated. I was frequently insulted by my classmates and cried every day. My mom told me that I could stay at home. So from then on, I stopped going to school.
Propaganda posters were everywhere on the street. My father’s name was on some of them. People were also paraded through town to show others who was being criticized. I knew most of them, as they were all my father’s co-workers or assistants. I was so scared. My father had a heart attack and had to stay at home, so he avoided being paraded around with a dunce cap. But he had depression and his emotional state was tumultuous.
I was so afraid to go out, so I started to read. Between the ages of 13 to 43, I read many romantic novels from Mainland China, Hong Kong, and Korea.
When I started to practice Falun Dafa, I stopped reading those novels and only read Dafa books. However, when the persecution of Dafa began, I had the attachment of fear and dared not read Dafa books at work. I started reading some novels instead.
I read too many, especially those imbued with communist Party culture that were full of lust. Master purified my body when I started cultivation and discharged a lot of foul smelling blood when I menstruated. But I wasn’t able rid myself of this attachment thoroughly and still had strong attachments to watching Korean dramas.
Why did I love Korean dramas so much? It was due to my attachment to lust. There were so many pretty girls and handsome boys, and their love stories were so adorable. I knew that I shouldn’t be attached to them. How can a cultivator be attached to a worldly person’s pursuit of a “happy life”?
Master Li said:
“A person is like a container, and he is whatever he contains.” (“Melt In to the Fa”, Essentials for Further Advancement)
There were so many lustful stories in my head. They were like poison. Master purified me, but I kept filling myself up with poison. I took on so much that my lower body was in constant pain. I was ashamed of myself. It was time to get rid of the attachment to lust!
I thought I was so pure since I wasn't engaging in inappropriate sexual relations, but my mind was full of lust.
Thank you Master for reminding me. I now know that if I hold onto this attachment, my cultivation will surely come to a dead end!