(Minghui.org) I searched for the meaning of life but could not find answers from existing human knowledge. I was perplexed by the chaos in our society. Because I wasn’t interested in human affairs my parents were concerned that I wouldn’t survive. I tried to get more involved so that they would stop worrying about me. I left the field of higher education and went to work for a government agency.
I made an effort to adapt to the new environment, but I was not comfortable telling lies or doing things to make my superiors happy. The worst part was the need to write reports that were not truthful. It was a painful and unbearable situation, and I had no one to talk to. I wanted to quit my job and go back into research, but my child was young and I didn’t want to create more burden for my family.
It was a painful struggle going to work every day, until 1996, when I learned about Falun Dafa. Reading the teachings felt wonderful and electrifying, and my heart was filled with hope. I really wanted to cultivate. But now that I think back, my understanding of cultivation was quite superficial. That is why I failed to pass the test when the enormous tribulation came in July 1999. I didn’t give in at first, but I couldn’t withstand the pressure at the brainwashing center. I wrote a statement, something I shouldn’t have done.
I was in tremendous pain and at a loss. I knew that Falun Dafa was good, and that I made a huge mistake. I felt I wasn’t worthy of Dafa and Master, and I was unsure if I could cultivate again. I was also afraid of being persecuted and bringing trouble to my family. I knew deep down that I had no future if I continued down this road. I struggled amid human desires. My health, my mood, and my temper got worse. I went on like this in a daze, for ten years.
My digestive system was out of whack, I didn’t sleep well, and lacked energy. Although I slept long hours, I still felt like I didn’t get enough sleep. I was under a lot of pressure at work. I didn’t want to drift with the current trends, yet I was afraid I would lose out on ordinary gains. I constantly worried about personal gains and losses.
I was playing table tennis with a former classmate one summer day, and was sweating profusely, so he brought me some mineral water. He was fine after drinking the water, but I had a stomachache after a few sips and had to use the restroom.
I had serious colds every year. Afterwards I would cough for many days and could not sleep. I started to cough after catching a cold back in 2011. I didn’t want to disturb my wife, so I slept in another room. I was in a foul mood and wondered how long this was going to last. Another thought came up, “Whenever I was going through sickness karma in the past, it would quickly pass as long as I did the exercises.” I sat on the bed and began to meditate. I immediately felt waves of energy, and the urge to cough disappeared. I meditated for twenty minutes and then slept until morning. The cough gradually disappeared.
This experience reignited my wish to return to Falun Dafa. I met a practitioner I knew, got copies of Dafa books, and returned to cultivation. I realized that Master never gave up on me. He had been watching over me, pointing things out to me, and bringing me back to Dafa. It had been ten years, and I felt so ashamed!
Master purified my body several times after I resumed practicing. I had a fever during one Chinese New Year holiday. I was alone at home but I wasn’t afraid. I did the exercises and went to bed. I was fine the next day during the family gathering, and no one knew I had a fever the night before.
The persecution brought fear to my family, so I avoided doing the exercises in the past. My confidence in Dafa increased after this experience, thus I gradually had the courage to do the exercises in front of them. They didn’t say anything since my health improved. As my understanding of the Fa principles deepened, I talked about Falun Dafa more often with them.
Master purified my body again sometime later. This time my abdomen swelled up, and I felt discomfort and cold. I sat down to meditate and send righteous thoughts. My stomach felt better after I spat some fluids out. Diarrhea came later, but I knew my body was being cleansed. I continued to study the Fa and do the exercises, and I was fine by the third day. My gastrointestinal condition improved and my energy level increased.
My wife was deceived by the Chinese Communist Party’s (CCP) media and newspapers, and had doubts about Falun Dafa. Her attitude changed after seeing my health improve. My mother also recognized that I was a healthier person after I resumed practicing Falun Dafa.
I was in a bad mood during the ten years I did not practice Dafa. My relationship with my wife kept getting worse. I often lost my temper and quarreled about trivial matters, and then came the cold war that lasted for days afterwards. I felt terrible. I even lost control and beat her a few times.
I knew what I did was not a good thing, but after being away from Dafa books for such a long time, I forgot how to search inward. I only looked at her shortcomings, got myself all worked up, and couldn’t restrain myself.
As I progressed in studying the Fa, I became more tolerant of others, and I understood that conflicts arose to help me improve. When I initially encountered conflicts, I forced myself to forbear, and I regretted when I couldn’t. Later, I apologized to my wife and said that I hadn’t cultivated well (one of the reasons my wife didn’t approve of Dafa). I explained to her that it was not Dafa’s fault, but my fault for not following the teachings.
Although I learned to forbear and apologize, it was difficult to be attentive all the time. Living with my wife was like playing basketball, guarding the opponent every second of the game. It was difficult to avoid mistakes, but if I could achieve that it meant that I had improved.
I eventually learned to look inward and realized that I tended to look down on others. I thought that I was smarter and more knowledgeable. I had an air of machismo and thought my wife should listen to me. Therefore, my words were unkind. I liked to pick on others, put myself on a pedestal, and order people around. It was not hard to start quarrels with this kind of attitude. I thought I was always right, and would not stop arguing until I had the upper hand. I had a strong attachment to being competitive and wanting to win. So how could I have a peaceful family life?
I wanted to get rid of these attachments, thus I memorized Master’s words,
“If you can always be compassionate and calm, you will handle the issues that arise in your life well since you will have a buffer, in a sense.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I told myself to step down from the pedestal. If I encountered things that I didn’t agree with, or when I was dissatisfied with my wife, I should suppress and eliminate any anger or resentment that arose from it.
I asked my wife to hire someone to clean the house but she didn’t want to. When I said I would find someone, she said she didn’t want strangers in the house. We went back and forth many times and she just didn’t want to hire anyone. I was still resentful about it years later. I finally let go of the thought, and decided to do the cleaning myself. Suddenly, she changed her mind and hired someone.
I seldom talked to my wife in the past because we didn’t have much in common. I worked on my own things, studied the Fa, and did the exercises in my study room. She used to complain that I rarely spoke to her. I began to put myself in her shoes. So after finishing a meal or housework, I stayed in the living room and chatted with her over a cup of tea. Sometimes I talked to her about Falun Dafa and the persecution. She had a better understanding of the practice and complained less. She understood why it was important to quit the CCP. Not only did she renounce the Party, she also helped her relatives quit.
My son had good grades and I had high hopes for him to attend a top university. He liked computer programming and spent a lot of time on it. I asked him to put it aside temporarily and focus on preparing for the college entrance examination. He didn’t want to, and I was worried, angry, and I even yelled at him. I realized later that I was wrong. So I changed my attitude and showed more concern and support for him. My son was admitted to the university of his choice. People around us were envious and wondered why it was so easy for him to get into a good school. I realized I avoided lots of worries and troubles by following Dafa’s teachings.
My son has graduated from college and works for a good company. Our relationship is balanced and harmonious. He discusses his problems with me, and I offer my analysis and suggestions. I have clarified the truth to him and he has quit the Party. I have a happy and harmonious family life because of my cultivation in Dafa.
Before I came back to Dafa, I asked to be transferred to a department which was not strictly controlled. I wanted to be in a quiet environment and do research work. Little did I know, there was a lot of competition there too. I told myself that I should not compete with others, listen to gossip, or pander to the boss. I wanted to be a responsible person and do a good job, and avoid writing fake articles.
My department sent a few of us to the countryside to assist with the “poverty alleviation campaign” a few years ago, and I was chosen to be a “village cadre.” I thought I could take a leave from the office work, but the department was short-handed, so I had to do both jobs. Although I was doing the jobs of two people, I was only paid the salary of one person. I didn’t complain or ask for subsidies. Some departments provided a company vehicle, but not my department. So I had to drive my car between the two jobs. My department submitted a gas reimbursement report every month, and the report came back indicating the amount was too high. When my boss decided to reduce the gas reimbursement, I didn’t argue. I knew it was to help me rid of the attachment to self-interest.
My job was done after the “poverty alleviation campaign” was over. According to the regulations, I should have been promoted one level. But upper management said it was not likely to happen due to lack of staffing structure. A colleague suggested that I look for inside connections and pull some strings. I thought a cultivator should not follow society’s common practice. When I didn’t get promoted, others thought it was unfair to me, and my superior was afraid that I would be upset. Although I felt a bit disturbed, I was able to control my emotions and continued to do my job. The department head recognized me as a reliable person, and often sought my advice.
The department head asked me to organize authors and compile a collection of books for the department. I didn’t negotiate any terms or conditions and I agreed to it. The following three years, I sought out friends in academia to help with the compilation. The collection was well received after it was published. I was in charge of one of the books. Since I was already busy, I asked a senior scholar to write the book. He gave me some information and wanted me to write it. He said that he would be the co-author. I added more information and finished the book by myself.
When the book was about to be published, I thought that since the senior scholar only provided some information and didn’t participate in the actual work, maybe I could ask him to review the final draft and not include his name as the co-author. He got upset and refused to help when I told him that. I was a bit embarrassed and realized that those thoughts came from my attachment to fame and self-interest, so I corrected myself immediately. The senior scholar’s name was on the newly published book, ahead of my name. I also let him have my author’s remuneration. My family said it was fine to give him my pay, but I should at least let him know about it. I thought since I already let him have my remuneration, it would sound like I wanted it back if I told him about it. The senior scholar was retired and might need the money. He helped me before when I was doing research, so I considered it repaying him for his help.
The department head placed my name as the second-to-last of all the editors, and I never said a word. Someone knew that I was responsible for the collection from the beginning to the end, and suggested that I talk to the head to let me handle the disbursement of the fees, meaning I could make some profit for myself. I just smiled calmly in response.
People competed with each other for promotion in this small department. Technically speaking, I should be promoted due to my outstanding work and academic qualifications. Another person who wanted the position colluded with the head and used the excuse of my practicing Falun Dafa to attack and frame me. I lost the opportunity to be promoted in the end.
I was faced with pressure at work and the test of my attachments during this ordeal. Although I was moved and distressed, I kept Master’s teachings in my heart. I didn’t compete or fight back, and I didn’t resent or hate anyone. I continued to do my job calmly, and talked to my superiors and colleagues about Falun Dafa and the persecution. When a kind-hearted colleague said I was being treated unfairly, I took the opportunity to clarify the truth to her. She later withdrew from the CCP. Another colleague was a Christian. Although he didn’t quit the Party, he thought I was a good person.
I could talk about my cultivation experiences for many days. Although there have been tribulations and hardships throughout the years, I know that it is the direction of my life, and Dafa is my guiding light. I will continue to walk my path as a Dafa cultivator.